Stalking Log

I stalked Curtis this morning at both stores and didn't find him at either one. The voices were telling me that emails are not getting through.

Today their little idea is "Nicole is a Type Four." Well, they already thought I was a type four, and then they changed it to type five! Of course I'm acting like a type four. I just lost someone I care about very much. Everybody acts like a type four when they lose someone they love! The rest of the time, I suppress my feelings and I've never acted like a 'drama queen' in any way. And I am interested in learning lots of useful knowledge and skills and I get the feeling that it's impossible to learn everything there is to know, which is the 'five' description. I fit all the other parts of the description, about not wanting people to intrude on my time and space, and that kind of thing.

But yes, okay, I have doubts too about being a Five. I thought being a Four was cooler than being a Five.

But whatever.

So I stalked Curtis at both stores. I didn't 'smell' him today. But I cursed and swore at him, because I decided that I couldn't find him because he's not getting enough hours. At the one store, there was nobody walking around the produce department. At Weis, you see somebody out there stocking the shelves all day long, at any time of day. There was nobody at all at Giant. What if I'd had an important customer question? (Such as, 'Did you guys just recently hire a guy named Curtis?' :D ) So I swore at him and called him names. I called him a lying bastard piece of shit son of a bitch, no wait, your mom's not a bitch, she's a WHORE!!! But it didn't make any difference, he still didn't appear no matter how much I cursed and swore at him.

I stalked him because they told me to, and I agreed with the idea of it. Also, there is the idea that he might not live very long, because of his lifestyle: drug use, drinking, drunk driving, no seat belts, signing up for the army, having no hope and giving up, fighting battles over money with his ex-girlfriend, possibly going to jail again, not paying his bills. He is an 'at-risk youth.'

I started thinking, what if I read a fake web page when he wrote where he was working? What if I was totally in the wrong place? How would I find him then? How would I figure it out? I guess I'd figure it out if I broke down and asked a co-worker if they knew him, and if nobody did. I'm scared that he's working in some inaccessible department, like the loading dock in the back room or something. He isn't necessarily in the same department he was in. And he could be stocking shelves overnight or something depressing and boring like that. It could be a horrible job where he's alone all the time doing a brainless, robotic routine. I've stocked shelves before, briefly, and I hated it. So I don't know where, and when, he is in that hell. Where in hell are you?

My movies, I have some of them on video, and my video player is in storage along with all my contaminated belongings. I'm not sure if I can find my videos - I'm not sure if they're in the box with my other media. I have some of it out here at the apartment. Anyway, I haven't watched 'What Dreams May Come' in a long time. That's the movie where they go to hell. I should get that movie on DVD.

So I had an anxiety attack while I was preparing to stalk Curtis. I was having an anxiety attack and I went in there anyway. He wasn't there. He also wasn't there in the middle of the night when I first went there a few nights ago after McD. So I'm getting desensitized. After going there again and again, and not seeing him, I won't have anxiety attacks anymore. I would have to go at the right time of day. I was having an attack and I went in anyway, and I just decided that if the anxiety attack was too intense, while I was seeing him, I would just confess to him that I was in the middle of having an anxiety attack. I would just have to tell him that's what was happening.

But I didn't see him. I left, and went to get something to eat at Long John Silver's. I like their Salmon Platter. It's new. I usually get that when I go there. So I got that, and I went to Barnes & Noble. As I drove, I was crying. I didn't see him yet. I tried.

It's like pushing a button. Lines from songs will make me cry. Not always, but very often they do. I found a picture of you... those were the happiest days of my life... And I ask myself, were those really the happiest days of my life? It's true. It really is true.

Having a crush on a boy: When I was young, when I was a teenager, I had crushes on boys back then. But I never talked to any of them. I never hung out with them. I never spent time with them. I did have a boyfriend, eventually, when I was fifteen. That was Terry. But my other crushes, I never spoke to them. They were crushes from afar.

Curtis is a young-looking teenager. Having a crush on him is exactly like all the other teenage crushes I had. It's very different from being attracted to an adult. But, for the first time in my life, for the first time ever, I had the wonderful privilege of spending many hours beside him, talking, standing close to him, looking in his eyes, listening to him, letting him show me things, answering his questions and helping him, especially during the time period when he was working in the evenings and we were both by ourselves closing our departments alone. When nobody else was there, we spent a lot of time talking together. That was the first time in my life that I could spend many hours talking with a beautiful teenage boy that I had a crush on. In reality, it is true: those were the happiest hours of my life. I've had other kinds of happiness. I've been happy about other things. But in terms of love and relationships, in terms of spending time with someone that I felt passionately in love with, passionately attracted to, it's true that that was the happiest time of my life.

'You were the first one... you were the last one...' That's from Video Killed the Radio Star. That line puzzles me. I've read the lyrics, I don't know what the song is about, I've read web pages where people tried to interpret them or explain what it was, and I still don't know. But I like that line. You were the first one, you were the last one. It means that ... nobody was ever like you, ever. Nobody ever will be. When you left, nobody was ever like you again. You were the first one, you were a surprise, I'd never experienced anything like you before. I learned it all from you. You were the last - when you fell, when you left, when you disappeared, nobody else could ever be like you. It gives me this feeling of pain and longing, and that is the special feeling that always felt like 'me,' like part of who I am, which is the reason why they started calling me a type four again today. The lines from songs that trigger grief, loss, melancholy, over someone unique who is now gone, those are the songs I like most. It isn't necessarily a song of constant misery and pain. It is the 'sweet' melancholy that they describe as part of enneagram type four. It is indescribable. And I have had that feeling all my life, ever since I was a child.

Also, I remembered reading in one of the books - I forget which one - I think it was one of the Riso/Hudson books - that the Four has a 'saving grace.' They said the four was able to look into the future and see how badly things would go if they kept doing what they were doing, and so they would be realistic about it and say, I have to stop doing this, I have to change something. That's *EXACTLY* what I used to do before the murderers attacked me and started zapping my brain all day long so that I can no longer focus enough to perform *any* brain functions at all. But I used to do exactly that. I used it to motivate myself to make difficult changes in my life. Every enneagram type has a 'saving grace', and they are all described in one of the books, but I could be remembering wrong - I might not have remembered the Four's. That might be some other type's. I just remember that description.

They told me emails aren't getting through. I am going to stalk him again, when I get a chance.