So last night I was restless, and I went around taking pictures in town in the dark. I went looking for creepy places and found them. I found the 'dark entrance,' http://www.flickr.com/photos/eagledove9/5056225010/ a little entrance underneath a building in an alley, and took a picture of it. I didn't really pay attention to what the little graffiti picture was, but I just noticed it's a thundercloud with lightning. I don't trust any lightning-related symbols because of electronic harassment.
Second thing. I was searching for radio frequency on Twitter and found a fellow sufferer named Jivisha who I tried to follow. I've been able to follow other people successfully, so I know which buttons to push and where to go and all the basic stuff. But no matter how hard I try I can't keep following Jivisha. It unfollows me. I was following him/her for about a day. (I actually don't know whether it's a guy or girl, I thought it was a guy.) I then started having technical problems on my phone where it kept saying I had to log in to look at Jivisha's page, even though I had already logged in several times, and I had successfully followed other people without having to re-login.
Carrie: I was just about to send Carrie an email (using my gmail, not facebook) to tell her I was sorry to hear about her grandfather's death. I opened up my gmail, and Carrie had already written to me to say hello and ask how I was doing. I had resolved that when I wrote to her, I would say nothing at all about Curtis, and I wouldn't ask her for any more favors or any help, I was just going to say sorry about her grandfather. So I replied to her and I said that, and also told her I had deleted my facebook to try to stop myself from causing any more problems for anyone.
Yesterday, they wanted me to google Martin again. I found a new page I hadn't seen before. He has a blog, but it's a Penn State 'public' kind of blog, not a personal one. Sort of formal. He also has a flickr account that I had never seen before, with pictures of golf courses, because he was studying turfgrass as his major. I have a link to his facebook page somewhere, because it doesn't show up in searches. I haven't tried it anytime recently. I haven't looked at Martin at all for a long time. I don't know why they suddenly wanted me to look for him again.
I have to work at McD tonight. 'They' haven't been pushing me very hard about getting a second job. However, I need one because I am hemorrhaging money all the time, because of my unusual expenses having to do with 1. drug residues and 2. the refrigerator not being usable. Although yes, I am using a small fridge in my bedroom, but it's still not the same as using the big fridge and filling it with groceries and cooking my own food. All my food is fast food, and I hate it. I *hate* fast food and I'm sick of it. I tried using Craigslist to arrange to buy home-cooked food, and I got lots of replies, but I haven't been able to follow up on the project, because of my falling down in general and not caring about anything. So I still need extra money and that means I need a second job at all times, even if I only work a few hours. Forty hours isn't enough, in the long run. I will slowly, or quickly, drain my bank account if I work only forty hours. And it doesn't have to be much more than forty. It only needs to be a little bit more than that. It doesn't have to be 72 hours. It could be up to 50, and that's just barely okay. It's good enough. I've been hemorrhaging money...
That fits with 'I will bleed for you.' This is one of the phrases they say in my head about Curtis. That I would bleed for him. My money is my blood. I would give him this. This is the hours of my life, of my slavery. Giving money to him means a lot to me.
I still haven't seen him. I don't know what Carrie will say. It's possible that she might ask something like, 'Did you get a chance to say hi to Curt yet?' or something. If she asks me that, then we will talk about the 'Where and when is he working?' details. I still don't know how to tell her how I feel about him and what I want to do.
Here is the problem. Curtis was always kind, gentle, and tolerant. He showed some signs of sexual attraction to me, but not all the time. It depended on both of our moods, and the drugs we were using, either one of us. Anyway, he always tolerated me if I touched him, and I didn't touch him a lot, but he let me do it when I did. It's possible to strongly reject somebody, to tell them strongly 'no,' to make them not touch you, ever. He never did that. He accepted the touches.
And so, if I see him again, I can take advantage of that tolerance. I could give him a hug, I could hold him in my arms longer than a hug is supposed to last, I could kiss him or stroke him or do something that goes beyond friendship, I could touch him in ways that Carrie wouldn't want me to touch him. I think he would tolerate whatever I did, even if he wasn't quite sure about it or wasn't quite comfortable with it. He doesn't usually say 'no' to me in a strong way. He might allow it, he might enjoy it, or he might not really enjoy it but not have the heart to say 'no' either. But I could do it. And it seems unfair that Carrie would help me to achieve that goal with her fiancee. I have tried to tell her how I feel about him, how strongly attracted I feel. I am not just a casual friend going to visit him and say hello. I am an intensely focused crush, a potential lover, being pushed and encouraged by the voices in my head, I am someone who is not entirely in control of my own actions, but also, I agree with what the voices are pushing me to do. I'm not just a 'casual hello.'
So I will see what she says.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment