self preservation

7:38 AM 10/26/10

Warning: This is a boring "self-preservation" blog. I'm noticing the self-preservation instinct, from Oscar Ichazo's three instincts: self-preservation, social, and sexual. I'm taking my St. John's Wort to help myself do things I need to do for self-preservation.

I don't want to live in this apartment forever. I miss something about the old apartment: I was able to take a walk on the path by the duckpond. It was just a short little path, but it was nice. There was a pond on one side of me, and trees on the right. I can take walks here, but I don't feel comfortable. There are too many neighbors, and I guess I could try walking on the path where other people say they go walking, but I don't really feel right about it. I don't know where it is, and they said it goes over somebody's property or something. I just feel that it's not really private.

I want a quiet place without cars. I want trees and grass and water. I want fresh air.

There are isolated parts of the world where few people live, even though there are almost 7 billion people. Those are undesirable places, but yet, they could be desirable simply because they are isolated. I've looked at the map of Canada, and there are places in northern Canada along the coastline where you might be able to have an Eskimo type of lifestyle, hunting and fishing in the sea.

If you don't want to be too far away from people, then an intentional community is the best way to live near people and be able to make your own rules about where cars and concrete are allowed to go. I'd like to have small, simple cottages, without any asphalt or concrete around them, just grass and dirt, so the parking lot would be a little distance away, and I'd like to be close to my neighbors, but also have a space to go walking privately. Intentional communities are places that you design by yourself to fit your own needs. When I say "by yourself" I don't mean alone, I mean, you control it, instead of random people all doing random things; you and your group of people all agree to do it a certain way. So you can make your own rules about parking lots, houses, concrete and dirt.

I have a problem taking walks at the parks around here. I get duck parasites on my legs. I know for sure that I get them when I walk at Talleyrand Park. I used to get them when I walked by the duckpond at my other apartment, and for a long time, I didn't know what was causing them. There are some kind of mites or parasites on ducks, and they crawl up your legs and dig into your skin, leaving irritated bumps and scratches. It happens if you walk around on places where the ducks are. Anyway, I don't want to have to drive my car to get to a park where I can take a walk.

I got up early to take Peter to dialysis. He doesn't usually go at this time. He asked if I could take him because he needs to go early and then go to a doctor's appointment. So I will be driving him around today.

Zoning laws cause a lot of the problems that I see. Zoning laws are on my top ten worst laws list. (The other laws on the 'worst laws' list are things like income taxes and property taxes, the 'forty hour week' laws that require employers to pay you higher wages if you work overtime, and the minimum wage laws.) I get annoyed when I see a house in the middle of a huge yard, and a lawnmower driving over the lawn, when there ought to be a family cow eating the grass and providing fresh raw milk for the family, and free roaming chickens should be running around eating insects in the grass and providing eggs for the family. But it's probably illegal to just have a cow in your yard if your house isn't in the 'agricultural zone.' If it's 'residential,' I don't think you're allowed to have a cow. I don't know for sure though. In a lot of places, you HAVE to mow the lawn with a lawnmower, and you wouldn't be allowed to have a cow if you wanted to.

I took my SJW this morning after I got home from driving Peter to dialysis. There are things I need to do today. I am drinking coffee, but it's not making me feel very awake. SJW makes me sleepy, or at least, some kinds of SJW do. I have to use a lot more caffeine when I'm using SJW.

'They' were noticing yesterday that I was looking at a tattoo magazine while I was waiting for Peter as he looked around at Wal-Mart. On one of the pages, it showed women as zombies, and said 'When hell is full, the dead will get sexy.' Curtis has 'When hell is full, the dead will walk the earth' on his MySpace page. So he probably got that from the tattoo magazines or something similar. I was thinking of him while I looked at it. I want to understand what he likes.

It's possible to look at pictures of mostly-naked skinny guys in a tattoo magazine. That's the nice thing about it. It's one of the only places where you can find pictures of skinny guys. Muscles aren't what's important in a tattoo magazine. It's really true that I love skinny guys. I could be only interested in short guys, because I'm short (five foot two), but I don't like short, stocky, muscular guys as much as I like short skinny guys. (And, okay, I said the other day that my butt was 'huge,' but in reality, it's not that huge, it's just slightly larger than you might expect. The voices were bugging me about this last night.)

'They' always wonder about it, whenever I enjoy looking at pictures of guys with tattoos, or women with tattoos, or piercings, or brightly colored mohawks, or whatever. Anytime I look at anything at all, the voices start questioning and interrogating me, especially if they think that I am acting bisexual or showing any signs of interest in females. I get attacked, abused, harassed, and tortured by the murderers anytime I show the slightest sign of sexual interest towards females.

(In the old days, before I knew that I was being attacked, I was open-minded and tolerant about bisexuality, but at the same time, I wasn't really interested in trying it. I always had crushes on guys. The only bisexual thing I ever did was, I had cybersex with a lesbian in a chatroom, and when I say that I 'had cybersex,' quote unquote, it means that I typed words on my keyboard while the person on the other end of the chat was enjoying herself, while I myself sat there doing nothing. I used to go to chatrooms and I would 'have cybersex' by writing about things that were exciting to the other person, but I never got that excited about it myself, and I never masturbated while talking in a chatroom. I got vicariously excited, knowing that the other people were enjoying themselves. Also, the murderers often attacked me, and they forced me to feel sensations - that is one of the typical things that they do, they force you to feel sexual sensations.)

Anyway, 'they' always wonder if I'm being a hypocrite by making rules about 'no tattoos' and 'no hair cutting', while I also like to look at pictures of tattoos and piercings and hairstyles and makeup and everything. I always say that if you are a member of the Order, you have to follow the grooming rules, but you are still allowed to have friends who don't. You can have friends and family who aren't members, and those people can dress and style themselves however they want to.

Curtis's family, or his mother actually - I don't know about his dad or his stepdad - his mother has lots of tattoos, and so he grew up thinking that tattoos were normal and okay. He has a few, but not many. I don't want to see him covering himself with lots of tattoos. He has beautiful skin. The skin of his arms has tiny freckles all over it. They're small and faint and hard to see, and you can only see them if you're close to him. From far away, he looks like his skin is just a solid color. That's something special about his skin. If he covered his arms and his body with tattoos you wouldn't be able to see things like that.

I was reading about 'Jackass' yesterday, because I don't watch television, so I didn't know about the Jackass TV show, and I hadn't seen the movie. It's listed in Curtis's favorite shows. So I was reading about the kind of stunts they did. That gave the murderers the idea to give me a dream about 'Saw,' because that movie is also one of his favorites, and I haven't seen it, but I've thought about watching it several times when I was looking around at the movie rental place.

I dreamed I was at my parents' house in West Virginia, and I only remember the last part of the dream just before I woke up. I was underneath the back porch where the swing used to be. Anytime a 'swing' appears in one of my dreams, it's the murderers attacking me about 'being bisexual' or 'swinging.' They have given me lots of dreams in the past about people on swings, and when they wake me up, they then torture me with feelings of artificial rage.

So I was near the swing under the back porch. I was wearing my blue Weis hat. (I'll explain this stuff after I'm finished telling what happened.) I crouched down on the ground, and when I stood up, - and oh, I forgot to mention, I was walking and running carelessly around near these gigantic saw blades that were spinning, and the ground was slippery and irregular, and I was crouching down right next to one of the spinning blades. They were like the kind of blades used for cutting logs. Actually, that might even be a reference to Lemony Snicket's book where (oh no, I have to look up the characters' names in my mind, and the murderers thought it would be funny to call them 'Victory' and 'Curt,' but those aren't their names. Victory is the name of a spider in the 'A Deepness in the Sky' book by Vernor Vinge.) Klaus - that's who - (and his sister's name is Violet) the saw blade in the book where Klaus gets hypnotized. So when I stood up, I didn't watch where I was going, and I moved my head right into the blade of the saw, and it sliced open the top of my Weis hat. It didn't cut my head open, but it hit me on the head hard and it hurt. (I can't remember the secret word that would trigger Klaus to get hypnotized.)

The 'interpretation' that the murderers gave me after they woke me up was that the McDonald's hat is actually a visor, and it doesn't cover the top of my head, so you're able to see my dreadlocks, but the Weis hat is a baseball cap, so for a while, when I first started growing dreadlocks, you weren't able to see them when I was wearing my Weis hat. So when you 'cut open' the top of the hat it showed my dreadlocks. That was making a reference to the time when I briefly took my hat off at Weis, and Curtis saw me, and he looked surprised, as though he hadn't known I was growing dreadlocks. This is a bit far-fetched but I think they were saying that the dreadlocks are sexy, even though I feel insecure about them. My hair is really, really thin, and so are my dreadlocks. You can see big spaces between them. The saw blade cutting the top of my head was also referring to how my hair is parted down the middle instead of on the side. That's the direction the saw blade was cutting, right down the middle of my parted hair.

They want me to go look for Curtis today. I don't feel very hopeful about finding him. I haven't had much luck except the one time. Even if he's at work when I go there, he could be in the back room. There are lots of things they have to do in the back. I might walk around looking for him, and he could be there, but he could be stuck doing something in the back room for fifteen minutes right at the same time that I'm looking for him. He isn't necessarily out in the public part of the store. At least I know which store he's at.