envy - she's more fascinating than I am; the soul murderers; a fraction of my potential

1:43 PM 10/16/10

I am probably self-pres/social (sp/so) in my instinctual stackings. When I first read about the instincts, and I saw the description of the sp/so, I instantly said, 'I think I'm that one - the most boring of all the types!' That was the very first one that I chose for myself. I think my first impression was right. But 'They,' the voices, have forced me to change my labels over and over again, so that I've gone through almost every single one.

Curtis and Carrie made a new friend named Amber, and I saw Curtis talking to her a couple times (yet another reason why I want him to make his page private and block me from seeing it). I looked at her myspace page. She is probably a Sexual type, but I don't know if she's sx/so or sx/sp. She might be sx/so. I don't know which enneagram type she is.

Envy: I will never be as fascinating and attractive as she is. I read her page, and every single word was interesting and wonderful and expressive and passionate. In contrast with her, I am a stick in the mud, I am cold and boring and unfriendly.

Someday when I have a shield that blocks the attacks, I will be able to express more of my personality, the parts of myself that are trapped and silenced. Then I could be a more interesting person. Right now, my brain is functioning at a very small fraction of its real potential because of the constant attacks and the sleep deprivation. My real soul, my true self, is a lot more interesting than this. But nobody can see it until I am protected against the attacks.

And no, I'll never be as fascinating as she is, and I'll never be as fascinating as any other Sexual instinctual type, but I can be more interesting than I am now. I am functioning at my lowest potential because of the soul murderers. It is also because of having to work too much, and because of the drug residues, and being physically unhealthy overall. But it's mostly sleep deprivation from the soul murderers, and the constant attacks on me anytime I look deeply into my mind or change my mind state at all, or try to learn anything or take risks or do anything different from the usual, or try to do self-improvement of any kind. It is mostly the soul murderers.