I might have to use St. John's Wort

I haven't decided yet. I don't have a live plant nearby. I know a few places where it's growing wild. I got rid of all my plants. I absolutely will not grow it in a pot in my apartment because the vapors, and the leaf crumbs, contaminate everything. I might have to buy pills at the store and take pill fragments the same way I take tiny pieces of Vivarin.

I'm thinking of doing it because the hopeless feeling is overwhelming. It's autumn - oh... I just remembered something.

When I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking that it was Fall, and that I am falling, I am falling apart - everything is falling apart. I have fallen. One of the voices said that 'Fall' was like the Fall from Eden. The seasons of the year could be interpreted as the Garden of Eden and the Fall of Man. Spring and Summer are the Garden of Eden. Then, in the fall, the apples fall off the trees, and all of the flowers and fruits and leaves fall off and leave the trees bare, and mankind is thrown out of the garden into the barren cold winter. So the story of getting kicked out of the Garden of Eden might actually be a story about the changing seasons of the year. I never thought of that before. That idea was in my head in the middle of the night.

So I have been hopeless. I've been randomly trying different advertisements but I can't follow through. I can't bring myself to meet anybody. I can't finish any projects. I can't bring myself to go to work at Weis, but I haven't been able to hunt for a new second job either. I have to have two jobs to be secure. One job isn't enough. My money is going to quickly disappear. And I really do hate the job at Weis, too. I don't like the job itself in a lot of ways. And I don't like the loneliness of the job, where there is nobody to look forward to.

So I might use St. John's Wort again to make myself able to work on projects and actually get them done. I have been so miserable and hopeless that I can't do anything.

Every time I use SJW I become a puppet. I am afraid of what they will make me do this time if I use it. Will I go visit Curtis at Giant? That's probably the most likely thing they will try to make me do. They also make me write, and write, and write, and write. I also become able to read a lot better, and understand what I read. So I will read things on the internet, technical things, and I'll remember the really long words, like when I'm researching medical problems and I have to read the long names of chemicals, drugs, and hormones.

But then I get much worse attacks. I become hateful towards the attackers. When I talk to them in my head, I want to kill them. That happens because of using St. John's Wort or any other antidepressant.

Many of the projects I've done in the last few years have been helped by my SJW. But then again, I haven't finished much of anything... except my pride and joy, the Schaum's Outline of Bookkeeping and Accounting. I finished that.

I want to finish songs. I want to finish the 'having a baby' project. There are things I need to do before I can do that. I need to clean up the drug residues, get on the special diet, and I really, really, really want to remove these plastic dental fillings from my teeth, and sacrifice those two teeth. I'll keep the teeth - I just mean, they will have holes in them, and they will probably be destroyed over time. But the plastic causes my face to be swollen on that side, and my nose is always clogged on that side. And that only began after I got the plastic dental fillings. My eye on that side of my face gets swollen shut more than the other eye. And whenever I use SJW, it makes my breasts hurt. SJW *never* caused breast pain in the past. It *only* causes breast pain if it's *interacting* with bisphenol-A in plastic. I used to have breast pain whenever I had a plastic retainer in my mouth as a teenager. It's the plastic causing it, but it's triggered by using SJW. It's the interaction between those two chemicals. How can I breastfeed if my breasts hurt? Also, the plastic affects the brain and the body of the developing baby. And it might make me less fertile, too. I don't know.

But if I do use any SJW, it will probably be a pill bought off the shelves at the store. I'd rather use a leaf, the way I used to - I would get a single leaf, crush it up, and then breathe the air above it, so that I had only a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny dosage. I don't want to have bad reactions, and I only need a little bit. All I have to do is smell it, that's enough. But I would need to go hunting for the live plants at the places where I know they grow. And they will soon be dying, if they're not already dead.

The voices suggested that I should use marijuana. I don't really have a problem with that... one of these days, I might try it. I have heard that it's possible to buy 'legal' marijuana at some stores nearby. That would be a low-dose marijuana. It's true, I have wanted to try that. I would do an extremely small dose of it the same way I do with SJW. It would be 'medicinal use.' I think it would enhance my creativity. But I need something that helps me to *finish* a project all the way through. I have to be dedicated to finishing things. I have already got a million projects started that have never been finished - I don't need any more unfinished projects.