Warning. Sexual topics. Female stuff.

12:59 PM 10/10/10

Ovulating

I'm not sure what set it off, but I am ovulating very noticeably this month. Here is how I know. 1. My urine smells good. It smells like pheromones. It smells the way my armpits smell whenever I like their smell. 2. Stringy cervical mucus. 3. At work, I am talking to all the guys and wanting to hug them. These are guys I'm usually not that attracted to. Driving my car, I saw two teenage boys, one of whom had the kind of long hair that I like, and the other of whom had a little bit of a beard the way I like, and I actually moaned out loud when I saw them, and then started laughing and I said out loud, "I'm ovulating." So I'm having very strong reactions to men.

I am always interested in which foods, chemicals, and environments trigger this kind of thing to happen. (I also need to know what kinds of things trigger severe menstrual cramping.) I have been eating some different foods because of stalking Curtis and buying things at the store when I'm there. I've had some fruits - pears - and canned fish, and some cookies, and Kimchi fermented cabbage. But it can also be caused by things like plastic and bisphenol-A. It can also be caused by pheromones from other females, or males, around you.

*******
Today, the murderers allowed me to write a note to McDonald's asking them for more hours. Because I was working two jobs, I didn't work 40 hours at either job. I was working 30 something at both. So I've written McD a note telling them that I now need 40+ hours, overtime if ever possible, and that I can work earlier in the day than before. I'm definitely not working at Weis, and no one expects me to show up, but I never talked about an official decision with the manager. My paycheck stubs are all still there. I guess they might mail them to me sometime. (I get direct deposit.)

If you haven't experienced electronic attacks, then you don't know what I mean when I say they 'allowed' me to write a letter. Before the attacks began, I could sit down, focus my mind, and see what tasks needed to be done, and motivate myself to do them. Now, however, if I sit down and focus my mind, it doesn't matter how trivial the task is, it could be focusing on doing the laundry or something - no matter how trivial it is, I get zapped and attacked when I focus my mind into any other mind-state, no matter what. If I try to motivate myself nonverbally, they zap it. I have to wait for the murderers to artificially command me to do my laundry or write a note to McDonald's, once somebody somewhere gets 'permission' somehow to do it.

I am inside a constant attack field 24 hours a day. It is a constant background noise in my brain and my body. I assume that this is a surveillance field, but it also strongly inhibits changing my state of mind or my mood. I am constantly in an unfocused, unmotivated mood and I cannot make major decisions, or even trivial decisions, that require action. This is worse than simply being depressed or tired. I actually hear and feel sharp, painful, or distracting attacks when I try to focus my mind. I hear voices, see images, fall asleep, find myself thinking about another topic, or my body parts twitch and jerk, like my fingers or legs.

So today 'we' wrote a note asking for more hours. The other effect of this is that I will sometimes work earlier in the day, which means that I will be free in the evenings. That means that I am able to stalk Curtis in the evenings at his job. Right now I can only stalk him in the evenings on my days off, because I work in the evenings on all the other days. In order to accomplish the mission, I have to be able to stalk him at a variety of hours, since I don't know when he's working. The mission is to give money to him, to see him in person, to give notes to him, to tell him that I care about him, to maintain a bond with him, to let him know how important to me he is. This is to discourage him from doing things like signing up for the army.

I saw a magazine at the checkout lane at the grocery store. It had pictures of three little boys who had committed suicide. They were all three very young. It said they were victims of bullying, but I wonder what else was going on - that's not the big picture. There are always more reasons why someone committed suicide. Drugs, chemicals, family violence, physical deformities, dental fillings, heavy metal poisoning, all kinds of things, and many of them are physical and medical instead of social. But social and personal attacks can trigger it. I also want to know what made them so vulnerable to 'bullying' in the first place. Some people seem more vulnerable than other people.

The bullies were probably also using drugs. Drugs cause so much evil: I am thinking of Abu Ghraib. (Did I spell that correctly?) The voices were saying that the insanity at Abu Ghraib was caused by drug use. The torturers did what they did because they were on drugs.

...
Anyway, I have to fix my car... I have to reach Curtis... I have to build a shield. I called it a 'house of solitude' when the voices were talking about it with me. But I only can afford a small box right now. I would need help to build it, mostly because I cannot think or motivate myself. I wouldn't need so much help otherwise. I would be able to do a lot more things myself. Inside the shield, if it works at all, I will be able to think more clearly. Plans and decisions can be made inside there, and they won't be attacked over stupid, trivial things like 'doing laundry' or something. The murderers attack *ALL* changes in your state of mind, and they don't care what its purpose is.