I told Peter all about it last night

I hadn't been telling Peter about Curtis. The only thing I told him was ages and ages ago. I told him that there was a guy that I had a crush on, and I didn't know if it was going to be another Martin. I told him, this might be a false alarm. I might send him a bunch of emails that never get a reply. Probably nothing will happen. That's about all that I ever told Peter about it, and that was a long time ago. Since then, I haven't spoken about it at all, except a couple hints now and then that 'something was going on,' and I was 'having a problem' and I was upset about it. That's about all.

It seemed like it would just hurt Peter if I told him about it, and there was nothing he could do, and 'the voices' were so involved in it, making me try to do things that I wouldn't otherwise have even tried because I knew it was hopeless and impossible. It seemed pointless to tell Peter about it.

I told him about it last night because I confessed to him that I wasn't really working at Weis anymore, for all practical purposes. I might be not completely fired, and I might not have completely quit all the way - I told them I still wanted to talk to the store manager about it, but in reality, I can't bring myself to do that. So I'm in limbo. I had to tell this to Peter last night, and I decided that it was time to explain why, now that the Curtis crush is pretty much over (unless I start stalking him at his new job).

So I told him I'd had a crush on a guy since summer of 2009, and I've tried texting and emailing him, and I hardly ever got any answers. Every once in a while I'd get a reply. Every now and then I'd ask him and he'd say he didn't get the messages. I don't know how much is true.

I told Peter that this guy lost his job recently, and that he had been about the only reason I had for going in to work every day, because I really hated my job for a lot of reasons, and the job just got a lot worse recently. Everything happened at once, but mostly, Curtis was the only thing I could look forward to every day, and he was gone, and I just couldn't motivate myself to try anymore without him. So I told Peter all about it.

As usual, Peter's blood sugar was crashing while I talked to him. This is why I really can't have a conversation about anything at all with Peter. His sugar is always either: 1. so high, he's restless and can't sit still, and he gets irritable and interrupts me too much or changes the subject to complain about his own problems, or 2. so low, he can't think clearly anymore, and changes the subject to complain about his own problems. He is on so many drugs, and has such unstable blood sugar, that his mind can't focus on a conversation well enough, and I never really try to tell him anything important. But I told him last night.

He had the 'making peace with it' response, like 'this is something you're going through, it's going to be all right, you can tell me anything you need to tell me, I know this is hard for you,' that kind of thing. He knows about my hearing voices and he knows that they control me and make me do things I don't think I should do. He knows it's hard for me to talk about it. He knows that 'the voices' were involved with my Curtis crush and with my trying to write letters to him and get him to spend time with me. ....

I have to get ready to go to work. If I keep feeling this way, I'll probably start blogging from work, too. It's because I'm sick and I'm drinking coffee and I feel terrible today. I'm wishing Curtis was reading my blog. I emailed him a link to it, and I also gave him the URL on one of the paper notes. But he showed signs of total cluelessness, more than once, as in, he has no idea about anything at all, and obviously wasn't reading anything I wrote. Totally clueless. So he's probably still not reading it even now.