he does have his own videos

12:41 AM 10/31/10

I'll write while I'm waiting for this. I'm downloading Curtis's video. I haven't been able to play Carrie's video on my iPod using wi-fi. I decided to see what happens when I play it at home. I went to her page and saw a link to Curtis's page. It showed a picture of him in the Halloween costume that I liked so much. I actually dug my speakers out of the closet so that I could hear them talking. I tested it and Carrie's video was working. I had to test it on hers first because I was too excited to try doing anything with Curtis's video yet.

I looked on Google to find out about saving Flash files. I'm not sure if I'm able to do it, but I might be. It downloads them into a cache, and if they really are in the cache, I should be able to find it and save it. According to the theory. I don't know if it will work. Yes, I'm competent enough to do things like that with my computer, but I don't know if it really is saving it to the cache or not, and I'll have to find the cache, and the file type, and find out if I'm able to replay it again. I might be able to find the file but not have any way to replay it once I've found it. I might not know how to command Flash to start up and play the file.

Right now he's playing with the camera's special effects while stoned. He hasn't actually spoken yet.

He finally made his facebook page private. I looked at it today. I'm not sure what made him finally decide to do it after I've asked him to do it over and over again, but he did. Today, when I first saw that it was now private, I had the hurt/rejected feeling. However, I am just going to do whatever 'they' force me to do. That means that they will decide when I go try to see him again, if I try at all. This isn't something that I have a choice about. Whenever I try to let go, I get constantly attacked until they force me to do something else.

They have this sort of scary/creepy thing on their video camera software that lets you operate a puppet face using your own face. It has a picture of something, like a dog, or a teddy bear, or a statue, and the videocamera watches your facial expressions while you talk, and it controls the puppet to make it move the same way.

So, I never saw this before, because on the mobile website, it doesn't show you the links to Carrie's friends.

Oh no. I lost my download. I was walking over piles of junk and I accidentally kicked the telephone off the hook and disconnected it. No, it seems to have recovered. I hung the phone back up and it's downloading again. Phew. This takes a long time on dialup. I didn't want to have to do it over again.

He lives with Carrie. That's something I can't give him. I can't give him a place to live. I can't let anyone live with me. I could do it if their life depended on it and they had no other way, but anything less than that, I can't do. I cannot let anyone get this poison residue on their belongings the way it is on mine. The landlady and the maintenance guy have it on their shoes by now, and there's nothing I can do about that, because I can't keep them out of the apartment.

Another thing Carrie is doing that I can't do is, she's studying to become a nurse. She will be making a lot more money than I do, at a 'real' job in her field. I can't go to school or study for a couple of reasons. First, I am not willing to risk borrowing lots of money to do something that I might not follow through on.

Second, I have chronic fatigue and I am being attacked by murderers. They zap me whenever I merely try to meditate. I don't know if they would let me learn or study anything or not. I remember when I was in college, I observed something happening. I was trying to read and study something, and every couple seconds, I felt this painful clenching in my abdomen. It wasn't agonizing pain. It was a very low-level, hard-to-notice pain and anxiety that I hadn't been aware of until I paid close attention to it. That is very similar to the attacks I have nowadays, except back then I didn't know that I was being attacked by murderers. But it made it very hard to study. I would try to concentrate and every few seconds I lost my concentration. So I don't know if my fatigue, and the murderers, would make it too hard for me to study. They 'punish' me whenever I try to do housework or take care of my own needs in any way. They cause physical pain, burning, and distraction. They want me to waste my time doing things that go away from my goals: they want me to chase after a young teenage boy who's rejecting me, instead of working on my goal of finding a real husband and having children with him before it's too late. They want me to waste the rest of my eggs until I become infertile and it is too late, and I will die without having children.

Curtis and Carrie are interacting in this part of the video. She's doing things in the background and he starts censoring her by drawing things on the special effects to block her out. It makes me jealous to see them together and to hear him calling her beautiful.

I wish it was easier for me to find people I'm attracted to. I wish that I didn't care whether they had long hair or whether they were cute skinny young guys. I wish I didn't have any standards and I could just be attracted to any random guy without giving a shit what he looks like. And I wish I didn't have strange problems in my life that no one else can understand. I would just have normal kids and not give a shit about their health or their education. They'd grow up fat because I bottle-fed them because I went back to work a couple of weeks after I gave birth to them. They'd go to the doctor and get blood pressure drugs because all of their belongings were covered in drug residues and they couldn't ever fall asleep again. I'd have kids who stayed awake 24 hours a day every day because I never finished cleaning up the ephedra residue from when I handled the seeds, because I'd deny that ephedra residue even exists, so I'd go to the doctor and I'd buy sleeping pills for my kids so that they would go to bed. They'd go to public school and they'd learn that the government will solve all of our problems for us. They'd go deeply in debt and never save a penny in their entire lives because they trust the banking system and the credit card companies to give them everything they need, because I wouldn't bother to teach them any differently. They'd go into the future, the world of the 21st century, without knowing that electronic mind control is real and it's already controlling all of us, so they'd never know the joy of free will, how it feels to control your own mind.

Actually, he said that the heart was beautiful when he put a heart on the screen. I can't hear him very well because I have the volume turned down low since it's the middle of the night. I don't have the earphones out. They're somewhere in with the rest of the computer stuff.

This is the enneagram Four, 'envy.' I wish that I could have it as easy as everyone else has it. I wish I didn't give a shit about anything and I could just marry a random guy, someone ugly and stupid and boring. Then I could at least have kids, even though I'd raise them in the mainstream way. It wouldn't matter to me that I had no passion in my marriage and that I found my husband sexually repulsive, because I wouldn't have any standards, and lots and lots of guys would look sexually attractive to me. I'd have no preferences about what they looked like. I wish I didn't mind being trapped and bored in a loveless marriage for the purpose of raising kids. Or an abusive marriage. It's either going to be loveless and boring, or violent and abusive. Either way, I will be trapped after the kids are born. I can't imagine it being safe and trusting, while also being passionate, and exciting, with real love, and also having kids and raising them they way that I think they should be raised.

It's the belief in breastfeeding that is making this so difficult for me. I believe that there is no alternative to breastfeeding, and also, I believe that it has to be 'extended' breastfeeding, where you let them nurse until they stop on their own, years and years later. That means I have to stay home with the kids. As non-traditional as some of my ideas might seem, I still require myself to have a 'traditional' marriage where the mother stays with the children and the husband is required to pay the bills. I don't WANT it to be that way: I would prefer to have division of labor where both parents provide somehow. If I had a business at home, that would work. I'd take my babies to work if it were legal, or if the workplace would allow it, but they never do. I don't like depending entirely on the husband to give money to all of us. That means that I, and the kids, are at risk of violence. Men get angry when you make them slaves. I don't want my husband to be a slave, but at the same time, there is no way around the breastfeeding requirement.

... Curtis's video is making me laugh. He's still playing with the special effects. This one distorts the image into different shapes and he's making little sound effects to go with the distortions.

Marrying a boring, ugly man, and never spending any time at all with the type of guys I find attractive, or this one particular guy (Curtis) who I've bonded with and don't want to lose - I can't even see it. (And, no, I don't see myself marrying Curtis, and I doubt that he would want to, either. But I would want to at least spend time with him.)

I think it was yesterday that this happened. Kayla, her mother, and Caden (Curtis's son) went through McDonald's drive-thru. Caden looked up at me and waved. He had to have been forced to do that. It was unusual. Kids do sometimes look at me and wave or say hi, in the drive-thru. So it's possible he did it on his own. But I seriously doubt it. 'They' (the murderers) made him do it. 'They' control kids all the time and force kids to say things, or to have dreams about specific things at night, and so on.

I don't know about Caden's personality, but I hope that he is an echo of Curtis.