Why not???

So, I've gotten a couple emails back and forth with Carrie. She (and also Curtis) doesn't understand why Curtis and I can't be friends. I kept telling her and him that he must block me permanently out of his life and tell me to stay away from him, because later on, he's going to hurt me when I start asking too muh from him, and I'm going to be giving him the creeps or bothering him too much. She says that it should be okay for us to be friends.

Why not? Why is this such a big deal to me?
1. I am head over heels in love with him.
2. He has a girlfriend who he will marry sometime, though I don't know when.
3. I want to fuck his brains out. Also, I fantasize about having his baby, although I probably won't do that right this instant. That seems like a good reason why his girlfriend might not want me to be near him.
4. He probably weighs less than I do. My weight ranges from 120 to 135 pounds or so. I could probably rape him without his consent. However, that won't be necessary, because, as I've said before, he sometimes seemed attracted to me, depending on our moods. And no, I would not do that in reality, but I am saying this as a joke to get the point across that letting me see him is a bad idea.

("jokes" almost always come from the voices, not from me. Men really do get raped for real. Everyone who watched shawshank redemption knows about prison rape. But women can rape men in several ways too. In reality I always want to treat him with respect and I can barely even touch his arm or shoulder for a fraction of a second without worrying that I made him uncomfortable. It is very unlikely that I would ever do that.)

So, yes, some of that was a joke, but it is true, it's not just an ordinary harmless friendship. It is a friendship, yes. But it is not harmless or innocent. I am being controlled by "them," and they are giving me this feeling of lying and sneaking and having an evil plan and taking advantage of carrie's trust. They gave me a hallucination vision of people in the ocean near the shore, and a lady was laughing and smiling with her back turned to a shark coming up behind her in the water. The voice said "shark in shallow water," and everyone else could see the shark except her. That might represent her friend Jayme, though. Jayme could easily cheat with Curtis if they wanted to. The voices were calling her shallow because she (Carrie) is an enneagram type nine, or seems to be, so she tends to believe everything is all right when it isn't.

Anyway I get jealous thinking about Jayme with Curtis. But the point is that I am not just a harmless friend. I am also not just an ordinary person. I am a targeted individual who hears voices and gets controlled by other people inside my head. My life is very strange. I have motives for seeing him and she hasn't explicitly consented to a "multiamory" relationship.

I guess I will post this and go home.