wanting to give up on the stalking project

So what happens when I try to give up?  Well, I emailed Carrie about something, since I was having a reaction to drug residues in the past couple days, and I told her Curtis was getting emails from me and not answering them, and I said that he had to actively say 'no' to me in email every time I emailed him anything... I haven't gotten a reply yet, but this morning she tweeted about taking him to work, and of course, now I have an idea when he works - it's like giving me more hope again to keep trying.  That's what happens when I try to give up.

The voices were talking to me when I woke up.  We were making realistic predictions about his future.  There are different scenarios.  Different possibilities.  I have to look at all those possible futures, and say, "I don't care."  I have to look at him in his future and not care whether he is happy or sad, successful or failing, healthy or sick, rich or poor.  I have to not care.

But I have seen Josiah and Travis in the past few months - just happened to see them in various places, Josiah in the drive-thru, Travis at the front counter of McDonald's - I wasn't even all that close to Travis, not really.  I just liked him a little bit, or so I thought.  But I see him years later with his girlfriend and his baby and I actually got quite upset.  These are people who I liked somewhat, but wasn't really that close to.  What's it going to be like with Curtis when I accidentally see him in some random place a few years from now?  I actually WAS close to Curtis for a long time.  Not really close, just co-workers who had some conversations, but still.  I never really knew him, but I had the strongest feelings for him, stronger than the other young guys who I've liked and loved over the years.  I won't be able to just forget about him and stop caring.

It would be nice to give up on the stalking, but now I've had a 'hint' about what time he works.  Still, I think he works in a back room someplace and he's not visible to the public.  He's probably back in the loading dock area where all the shelves are.  It won't matter if he's there when I go stalking him, because he won't be out in the public part of the store.

It would be nice if they would just do what I've told them to do, and make their pages private so I can't see them.