Just kidding... While stalking, I have been buying little impulse buys from the grocery store. I decided to get Kimchi. It's fermented cabbage - they eat it in Korea. A few minutes after I ate it, I had a funny feeling. It was sort of a heart palpitation. I don't know if it actually contains alcohol, or if it's just 'lacto-fermented,' the stuff they talk about in Weston Price websites. It probably doesn't have any alcohol.
But I am having a really hard time typing. I ate other foods that trigger my food sensitivities - I had dried pineapple preserved with sulfite, for instance. The Feingold diet, and food-sensitive ADHD, is connected with dyslexia, bad spelling, and bad typing with reversed letters. You can greatly reduce dyslexia by using the Feingold Diet.
Yes, the kimchi gives me a headache afterwards. And it doesn't contain any MSG either. It's all natural. I looked at the ingredients.
Carrie's grandfather just died. Her grandmother died a few weeks ago. Why do people die together?
1. They died of the same cause.
2. Somebody gave up hope after the other one was gone.
People always assume it's psychological - the other gave up, they were lonely, they couldn't stay alive without the other. But I wonder about that. I think that when you're old and vulnerable, you can die of relatively harmless causes, like a common cold. I think that colds and other viruses can kill people when they're very old and weak, and this is the season for it, not just because it's cold outside, but because of football and large numbers of people traveling and bringing viruses.
I don't know the exact cause of death. She just mentioned it on her facebook page.
This is *yet another* reason why I feel bad about bugging her to help me visit Curtis. So I'm not writing to her right now, and I'm not on facebook officially - my 'Jean Williams' facebook page is what I use to look at them, and I can't see their photos anymore, because they're private. Thank goodness. The photos were causing me the most pain, but even the status updates are causing problems for me. 'Jeanette' is my middle name, so I picked the name Jean, and Williams was just a random common name - my other fakebook pages had names like 'Smith,' and I got tired of using Smith.
I wondered if Curtis lied to everyone on his facebook page, or if I saw a fake version of the page, and he really doesn't work at Giant. I visited another grocery store in town looking for him.
Why won't I write to Carrie and ask her? Right now, she's grieving over her grandfather and grandmother both. It's bad enough dealing with your fiancee's stalker on a GOOD day. If she cuts off communication with me I won't have *any* connection to him. She's usually nice and she wouldn't cut off communication altogether - they still both refused to block me on facebook even after I had written to Kayla and got Kayla all stirred up. They should've blocked me and they should've told Kayla to block me too. I told Kayla to do it and she still didn't. Nobody seems to understand this.
This kimchi really is giving me a headache. I wonder what's in it that I'm reacting to? Some product of fermentation.
I really do feel guilty about myself being the center of the universe and not caring about Carrie's suffering. She is grieving over her grandparents, and honestly, I don't care. I don't feel any real sympathy for her right now. We aren't real friends, and I'm stalking her fiancee, and for whatever reason, she was nice to me when I sent her emails, especially since I paid for their sweet tea at McD drive thru when their credit card didn't work. I paid for it out of my pocket. It wasn't a big deal, but it was an act of goodwill, and Carrie's attitude towards me changed after that.
But I am trying to have sex with her fiancee. Most people aren't polyamorous. They get jealous of people who are trying to have sex with their fiancees. It's hard to be friends with competitors. They don't usually say, 'Go ahead! Have fun with him.' They say, 'Give up, stay away from him, you should move on.' That's what she said to me in the beginning.
I have been paying attention to 'social shame.' That's since they decided to call me a Four again. I have social shame about stalking Curtis. I don't want the co-workers to know what I'm doing, unless I absolutely have to break down and ask them for help. I can ask them if they know a guy named Curtis who was recently hired. But it's best if I don't ask that yet. Not only that, but the answer might be 'no.' I might find out that he's not at *either* store, that he lied on his page, or else it was a fake modified web page. I'm still going to look for him by myself. But 'social shame' is there.
The voices told me to listen to my instincts. The social shame is an instinct. It's the social instinct. I see a thousand hostile faces turned towards me, like in the movie Inception where the people in the dream, the projections, realize that you are an invader and you are changing things. They will get hostile to you and kick you out. The real world is like that. If I go around breaking the rules, a thousand angry faces will turn towards me. I can get thrown in a mental hospital or get convicted of a crime. Or I can simply fail the mission. If they start talking and telling him that I'm there looking for him, he could hide every time anybody sees me. That means I fail the mission. So for now it's best if the other employees don't know that I'm looking for someone. I'm just a really lame shopper who wanders around and buys random things.
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