not feeling well

I went to the storage unit and got out a bag of something that I wanted to sort through. There were these balls of yarn from a time when I started learning to knit and crochet. That was the same time that I got the epedra seeds and tobacco plant seeds and I got tobacco and ephedra drug residues all over my other apartment. It was tracked all over the carpet, and the balls of yarn were lying on the carpet. I dreaded looking through the yarn because I was pretty sure I would have to throw it away. I left the bag in the storage unit and got some easier things out and threw them away. There's some stuff that I already knew I didn't really want or need, things that weren't special, that I didn't mind throwing away, so I did those things first.

I was right about the yarn. I tested it. I touched the yarn, and there was a lot of it, and I touched every piece, and washed my hands over and over again. I started having a reaction as soon as I started touching it. That night, I was awake with insomnia all night long. I washed it off myself as well as I could, but I got it on the foam pad where I'm sleeping. Now, every time I lie down, I get hit with a tobacco/ephedra drug residue mixture, and so I lie awake all night long. My body adjusts to it after a few hours, and eventually, the murderers push the 'sleep' button and I fall asleep. But in the beginning, *nothing* will put me to sleep.

*****
Carrie's pictures are private, and only friends can see them. However, when Curtis comments on them, it puts a link to the picture on his wall and says that he commented on this photo. When I click that link, I can see the picture even though it's supposed to be private. That shouldn't happen. Today I looked at the comments on the picture of him and Carrie and I noticed that he said (or maybe it was Carrie who said it? actually I'm not sure who wrote the comment) that the best part was in the background. I looked, and I never noticed it before, but there's a girl behind them, and she has fat legs with lots of wrinkly cellulite, and she's wearing shorts.

I don't think that Curtis, or Carrie, either one of them, should be saying anything at all about fat people, when Carrie is a little bit fat. And no, she's not huge, she's only a little bit fat. But neither one of them should be making fun of somebody else's cellulite legs.

Here is what that means to me. You make fun of other fat people, but not Carrie, is that it? Or maybe you *do* make fun of her, and she's supposed to be ashamed, and as long as she's ashamed and inferior, she's okay, but if she gets any "ideas" about being superior to you, there will be hell for her to pay. Then you get to make fun of her for being fat. As long as she's meek, inferior, and properly ashamed of herself for being fat, everything is okay. But if she starts to think well of herself, watch out. I hate that attitude. There are people who *want* to be with somebody who's inferior to them and ashamed of themselves.

I have noticed this before. The people who *ought* to be on your side are often your worst enemies. Fat people make fun of other fat people. Women with mustaches are the worst enemies for me, a woman with a mustache that I don't shave off. The other women with mustaches attack me the most. Christina at Weis did it, and that was also one of the first things Carrie said to me. Your fellow sufferers attack you the most, because *they* are obeying "the rules" and being "properly" ashamed of themselves the way society tells them to. If *they* have to obey the rules and be ashamed, then why can *I* get away with not being ashamed of it? Why should I get to break the rules? This is how the practice of circumcision is done to men. Circumcised men look at uncircumcised men and say, 'why should he get to be however he wants to, when I have to follow the rules?' Then they try to force the uncircumcised man to get circumcised.

I hope I can see more comments like that, making fun of people. It will help me stop liking him. Let 'er rip. Let's see lots of comments of Curtis making fun of people. He called that one lady 'mushroom ass' because, I guess, she was saying that he and Carrie won't ever get married, or they're not really in love, or something.

And the guy apparently said Curtis was 'living the dream,' because Curtis keeps repeating that now. Apparently, that guy was saying, 'You think YOU have problems? Let me tell you about problems! You think YOUR problems are bad? You're "living the dream," you have everything you want, it's easy for you.' I'm just putting the pieces together based on what little I can see of who said what. The result is that now Curtis is repeating 'living the dream', and he called Carrie's sister 'mushroom ass' (I think it's Carrie's sister and her husband they're fighting with) and he keeps defiantly bragging about his marijuana because he knows it makes them angry.

(And no, he never called me 'worthless rock' or 'wilted weed.' He called me the opposites of those things. They were new nicknames that I had never heard before. But apparently he also uses this ability to make fun of people too.)

It would help if he did more things that I don't like.

I am hoping that this pain goes away and I hope I stop caring. I haven't been able to find him at work. I think he works in the back room, probably, and he probably doesn't get many hours, and he usually isn't out on the floor where customers are able to see him when he's there.

I need to clean up the drug residue on the mat where I sleep. It's all over me and it's going to affect my behavior. It already is affecting me.