I'm not a real friend

That's what I'm trying to say. I feel bad about asking Carrie for help, and I feel bad that she answered my emails and talked to me about Curtis, when I'm not a real friend, when I'm actually trying to do something that she wouldn't want me to do. And her grandparents died, and I can't give her my sympathy, 1. because I'm not on facebook anymore, and 2. because Curtis is the person that I'm trying to stay connected to, not her.

The voices wanted to make me accept her as 'family' also. But apparently they changed their mind about that and decided not to make me try that. That 'feeling' has disappeared, and all of a sudden, I'm allowed to call her a competitor, instead of viewing her as a family or friend who I'm supporting. Those feelings, those interpretations, are fake, and they can be controlled from one day to the next. For whatever reason, they're not pushing hard on the 'support Carrie as your friend and family member' interpretation today. They were, before. Now they're not. I am a puppet.

I don't want to be a liar. I don't want to pretend to be nice to Carrie when I'm actually trying to get her fiancee.

And yes, Curtis can keep on seeing Carrie. I'm not trying to separate them. I'm trying to visit him on the side. That means either cheating or polyamory. Either way, Carrie never gave me permission to have a sexual relationship with him. She tolerated the idea of a friendship. Polyamory says that everyone involved knows what's happening and gives their consent. Cheating means that somebody doesn't know, and doesn't consent. So it's cheating. Although she would at least have the idea that I'm a possible threat and she knows that I *want* to be with him sexually. It's not a secret and it's not a surprise.

I saw a T-shirt from one of my facebook friends. It said, 'Polyamory is WRONG!' It was a joke. Underneath that it said, 'It's either multiamory or polyphilia, but, mixing Greek and Latin roots? WRONG!' This is because the parts of the word 'polyamory' come from Greek and Latin roots, and you're supposed to use either all Greek, or all Latin, but not both in the same word. So that was the joke. The idea is that polyamory ITSELF isn't necessarily wrong. Only the WORD is wrong. Anyway, though, because of that joke, I like to call it 'multiamory.' I actually agree with the joke.

So today, I'm allowed to feel, or I'm supposed to feel, or I'm being forced to feel, disgusted about myself because I don't have genuine sympathy for Carrie at her grandparents' death.

I never lived close to my grandparents. They were always far away, in New Jersey. It was a long drive and we didn't go there often. So I didn't grow up with them. My other grandfather was living here in Bellefonte, but for most of my life, I lived in other faraway cities - first Greensburg PA, then Scott Depot, WV. So I still didn't see him every day. (My paternal grandmother was already dead a long time ago. I never knew her.) I don't know what it's like to live near your grandparents or live with them and grow up with them there every day.

Curtis's grandmother surprised me. I saw her once when she came to get him at Weis. I thought she was his aunt. She is young, actually middle-aged. That's because his mother gave birth to him when she was in her early or mid-teens. She was a very young mother. My grandparents were always 'old,' even when I was a kid.

Anyway, this is yet another reason why I won't soon be emailing her to ask her to help me find Curtis. Sorry you just lost both your grandparents... Oh well! Can you help me find your fiancee so that I can enjoy his company again? It's the combination of not having any real, sincere sympathy, and at the same time, automatically knowing I have to be respectful. I'm not a real friend. I'm doing something you wouldn't want me to do, something you didn't give me permission to do, something that would hurt you. I'm not a real friend.