9:18 PM 3/11/11
I'm not able to sleep, and I'm kind of hungry. I've been sick on and off in the past day. This title on my Notepad file is 'See your love in the eyes of a monster,' but that wasn't my phrase, it was someone else's.
polar bear king
musial mydual
going google
dual dial
cam (can) CSM
why the app locked up
So I cyber-stalked RDL (and I am a puppet, forced to use particular words as they are given to me, and these are not my words - I am constantly controlled), and 'they' have been teasing me all day long about how I am his favorite cyberstalker, because I started out by reading about socionics, and then I noticed that I liked one of the socionics pages better than the other page.
I had been googling socionics, because I was told to look that up, after I had been told to join the Typology Central forum. They had simply said 'socionics' in my mind, and urged me to google it, and that was how I began finding out about it. Many of my reactions to it were also written by 'them' instead of me, for instance, the 'joke' that I wrote in the forum about how socionics says that I am supposed to love 'crazy wackjobs' or something. That is a perfect example of 'their' language being forced into my language. Now that I recognize the functions, that would be an unhealthy use of the extraverted ethics: emotionally laden epithets. When they use insulting name-calling, I can recognize their presence in my mind, because that's not me. They use the names against me, and also against other people. So if you see me calling people insulting names in my blog or anywhere in my writing, then that is a puppet incident where I was forced to write someone else's speech and not my own.
This is EXTREMELY rambling and disorganized. Again, I'm not feeling well, I'm a bit sick, I have a headache, and I am being urged to write instead of sleeping.
So I noticed that I liked socionics.us better than socionics.com, and I had to remind myself of that several times while I was first learning about it and googling those sites. Socionics.com uses the type of 'visual identification' where you guess a type based on someone's facial structures. This triggered my response that such a typing system would be distorted by the Weston Price facial deformities, which are not genetic. I mentioned that on RDL's blog when I commented (does he have his blogger set up to notify him if someone leaves a comment on old ancient blogs? I've been looking at things from 2006 and stuff) about Weston Price.
That's not the kind of visual identification that RDL is doing. He watches them on video, for instance, during an interview. He watches them doing and saying something, interacting with people. That's very different from merely looking at a photo and seeing someone's facial structure. It's that particular visual identification that is giving socionics a bad reputation. I've seen socionics mentioned a couple times in the forum (when I've been googling this or that) and often, people complain that socionics is bad because they glance at people's photographs and guess what their type is. That's only one small branch of socionics, according to RDL, and it's not the mainstream - not all socionists do visual identification by merely examining a photograph and looking at someone's facial structures.
Anyway, I started going through the socionics.us web page and clicking on links. I noticed that I had to 'explore' the site, because I couldn't find all the pages. (Actually, I could go to the site map.) I just noticed that there would be links to other pages mentioned in the middle of a sentence, for instance, and when I find a website like that, I have this desire to explore the entire thing, and locate every single page. I get this feeling that I might be missing something important, if I overlook one particular link in the middle of a sentence. The links go to extremely valuable and important pages and I don't want to miss any of them, so I get this urge to comb through the entire website and find every single link no matter where it is and make sure that I read every page. I don't actually do it because I don't have enough time and energy.
What I mean is, I think about setting up a web page that uses frames, because I am an HTML Frames Devotee. And in the navigation frame, every single page must be listed somewhere, so that you won't accidentally miss a single thing if one of the pages mentions a link to another page in the text of the article. I like frames partly because they help encourage people to structure a website like a book, with a table of contents, chapters, etc, and they encourage people to put everything in some kind of category. This wasn't intended as a complaint against RDL - actually I kept finding when I was on the site that I didn't want to miss a single thing, and that is why I wanted to see it all listed in one top-level index page, like the site map, so that not a single page would escape me.
But that would be sort of the pot calling the kettle black, because I myself find it difficult to organize everything under categories, and have wanted to be able to do that better than I do. This is extraverted thinking versus introverted thinking, if I understand correctly. (Warning: Probably this is all wrong! I will most likely disagree with all of it later on. The truth is that I don't know how to recognize or define the various function yet! I need to learn a lot more before I can!) I am able to notice 'empirical events' - I did this, and the result was X - but it's harder for me to use 'internal' logic, putting things into categories or whatever it is that the introverted logic does, using rules and principles and making the rules internally consistent. However, I was very good at math in school, but I was best at visual math, and I felt weak at the math that involved pure logic - I remember struggling and struggling to understand things like 'the limit of x as y approaches infinity' or whatever, but I understood instantly a picture of a graph and how the derivative is the formula for the tangent line at a particular point on the graph, and things like that. But I was able to do geometric proofs, too. So I don't know - I'm not sure what types of math ability correspond to either introverted logic or extraverted logic - I have no idea, actually. There might be no correlation at all.
So then I started randomly clicking links and exploring that site, sometimes visiting pages I had already read, other times finding something I had never seen before, sometimes finding things that weren't finished yet (there weren't links to every single type's profile). Exploring random links on that site is what led to my 'cyberstalking' RDL to some of his other blogs and other web pages outside of socionics.us. He had another blog about Ukraine and I tried to post a comment, but my Windows 98 running Opera doesn't like that particular Blogger template, so I couldn't post the comment. I can't use Firefox or Internet Explorer, by the way, because both of them are now messed up and mis-configured somehow as a result of things that I've done, in addition to the hackers and things they've done, and I need to clean up the computer (yes, I know how, I've done it many times before) and fix everything, but I haven't been able to get to that project. Anyway, I emailed him the comment, saying I couldn't post it, and I was all happy to get a brief little reply saying thanks, he had posted the comment for me. That's all he said, nothing special.
By the way, I'm being attacked this evening, apparently as they pretend they don't know what my type is, and they are pretending to be RDL himself, who would be looking at me and trying to figure out what my type is. (He might not be, actually - he said that he doesn't always do that, especially when he was first meeting people for instance while getting ready to hike the PCT). 'They' are attacking me and reminding me about him constantly this evening, since ... I really get tired of all this rambling. Since he had gotten back online and noticed my email and had posted the comment.
He doesn't get online all the time. He doesn't have the internet at his house - he uses the 'Amish Internet' - you can have it, but not inside the house. That is one of the things that I really like about him.
'They' were reminding me of that movie, The Polar Bear King, which I have on videotape, and since my TV with the VCR is packed in storage - I can't get any channels on it, and never had cable, but I used that TV to watch videotapes... I miss those tapes, actually - I don't have them on DVD, and I don't think the Polar Bear King is available on DVD. There was a scene where she sees the flowers in the bear's eye and recognizes that this is actually the prince. That is the scene 'they' are reminding me of, because it's like recognizing your dual no matter what physical appearance they have. It's funny that there are duals all over the place. But you can lose interest in them if you don't have other things in common, which is what's been happening with the people I've been emailing - I don't feel that they are right for me. Merely being a dual isn't enough.
RDL writes, and lives, at a different level than I do. This is painful to me. I am sick, and I am also a puppet. I know many of the things that have caused, and are causing, my sickness, and I want to prevent them in my children, but that is all that I have the power to do, because sometimes, you can't undo physical damage that has been done to you through no fault of your own (like circumcision or tooth removals). So I am not at my best, but yet, I read this author online and really like him, find out that he's a dual, find out that he has other web pages and that I really like those too - but: he doesn't use the internet much, and he disapproves of internet addiction (so do I! I wish I could live that way! I need to do some stuff to get my life the way I want it to be). So I feel like he would disapprove of me for being a writing addict and an internet addict. This is my reaction to his enneagram One-like behavior: he might be a Seven, or a One, but either way, Ones can act like Sevens, and Sevens can act like Ones. So I fear that I am being judged and that I am inferior and not good enough. In addition, I have this sloppy, informal, disorganized, rambling writing style, although my spelling is good. When I write to him I want him to see that I could be better than this, but for a lot of reasons, I am not what I want to be. (I have only written a couple of blog comments, by the way.)
His writing is much more organized and purposeful than mine is. But as soon as I started thinking that his writing was better than mine, 'they' started pointing out to me that his website could be described as 'sprawling,' which is what I was talking about up above, where I feel like I might be overlooking some important link to a great article because I don't know where to look for it at the top level, and it's just mentioned in the middle of a page somewhere. So 'they' started giving me the 'he's just as bad as you are' kind of argument, as though they are trying to make me feel secure by making him look weaker. They kept on looking for ways that he wasn't perfect, that he was flawed somehow, or ordinary instead of great, and so that was supposed to make me stop feeling inferior and insecure. But that didn't work.
That doesn't fix anything. It was more helpful to simply admit 'I like my dual, and my dual likes me,' which is what I was trying to write this morning when my Wordpress app locked up.
Why did the app lock up? It's happened before. I was at McDonald's using my iPod on the wifi. Sometimes, I get disconnected from the wifi and have to reconnect. It happens at random times, and possibly it might happen periodically at a set time, and it also happens if I go down in the basement where you can't get reception. So I was using the Wordpress app, and I tried to hit 'publish,' but it was disconnected at that moment. If it's disconnected before you hit 'publish,' then the app locks up, nothing responds, it sits there with a spinning 'wait' image just spinning and spinning with no progress, and you lose everything you were writing. So don't try to publish while disconnected, and check for a connection before publishing. If you push the 'home screen' button on the iPod, you can still get back to the home screen and restart the Wordpress app, but if you click on the particular blog that you had been writing - you can see it in the list of posts, and it's in the 'published' section as though it was published, when it wasn't - you can't click on it. Or, you can click on it, but it won't open. You can't go back in, you can't read it and edit it, you can't salvage anything you were writing.
Fortunately it was a short, brief blog. Then, after I lost it and complained about losing it, 'they' reminded me by putting voices in my head to tell me the typos that I had forgotten. I was struggling to remember all of the typos that I had thought were funny, but couldn't remember them, so 'they' reminded me of what I had formerly written that I had lost.
I had written something like this: What do I like about duals? Duals like me too! It's not a one-way thing. I can assume that a dual probably likes me, at least a little bit, even if all they can see is my writing style, and they don't know anything about my looks, my physical presence, my 'aura,' my speed of speech, and anything else that would make them feel attracted, or not attracted, to me. Anyway, by simply knowing that someone is a dual, I can feel slightly more confident and less insecure, because I *know* that there is a good chance I can assume that they like me in return. They will probably like me at least a little bit.
So I've written comments to him and gotten a brief, polite reply, and we haven't become 'pen pals' and haven't been writing long letters back and forth or anything like that, and he disapproves of internet addiction and online friends who are too far away to meet in real life. So I am writing to him (again, just a tiny number of comments, not like a huge spam attack or anything, it's like five or six comments so far) and he can't reply to me because he doesn't want to start a long-distance online pen pal relationship, and actually, I don't like long-distance online pen pals either.
Well, I was writing about that, but my iPod's spell check was messing things up and it became funny. I was having a lot of errors, partly because I was holding my iPod upright instead of horizontally (that happened because, when you first start writing a new blog post in the Wordpress app, it won't allow you to turn the screen horizontally while you are still giving the blog a title - you have to wait until you are in the edit section of the screen to turn it sideways, and so, I got started writing, and just didn't bother turning it sideways after that - and actually, it wasn't merely that I 'didn't bother,' it was also because I 'didn't believe' - I got used to being unable to turn it sideways, so I kept on believing that I couldn't, even though I knew from past experience that I would be able to turn it only if I had clicked in the 'edit' section), so I was typing on the narrow screen, on 'portrait' instead of 'landscape,' and there's not much room to type.
I wrote 'mydual' (without a space) and it changed it to 'Musial.' Musial? What the hell is 'Musial?' And it has a capital M, too! I misspelled 'going' and it changed it to 'google.' I wrote 'duals' several times, and each time, it changed it to 'dials.' Then I tried to write 'can,' but wrote 'cam,' and it changed it to 'CSM.' CSM? You mean CSM is a frequently-used word that I'm very likely to be writing? Not likely, but the A is next to the S. And if you try to stop it from replacing those words, you have to hit a tiny little X which is a couple pixels wide, with your thumb, while also focusing on the rest of the typing you're in the middle of, and usually, you don't even notice that it's offering to automatically replace a word for you. So I was laughing and struggling to write this. I was thinking I might just turn off the spellchecker, but I do rely on it most of the time on the iPod. Then finally I tried to hit 'publish,' but had no internet connection, so it locked up the app, and everything was gone, and I had thought it was so funny and was very annoyed that it was gone.
Why my writing quality is bad: I am writing in a state of mental fatigue. I am writing because I enjoy the sensation of typing on a keyboard. I enjoy the process of writing, even though the quality of my writing is sloppy. I am constantly in a state of mental fatigue, because of my poor health and because of the attacks and the years and years of sleep deprivation, along with many other things that cause me to function at a very low level almost all the time. I don't WANT to live at this level. Writing to RDL, and feeling insecure about the sloppiness of my style, in comparison to how his blogs are written in a formal style instead of a sloppy casual style - it makes me feel like I wish he would like me, I wish he would understand that I have potential and that I'm interested in troubleshooting my problems, but right now I'm in a terrible place and I'm in bad health.
I am aware that things can be much better than this. In fact that's why I'm so fascinated with anything having to do with preventing damage to your children. I'm interested in dental fillings, the dangers of vaccines, nutrition, environmental pollution and environmental illness of all kinds, transdermal chemical absorption, pesticides, the quality of the drinking water, the differences between synthetic vitamins and vitamins that occur in whole foods, breastfeeding instead of bottle feeding, circumcision, prescription drugs and over-the-counter drugs and herbal drugs and how they affect you and your child or the developing embryo - everything having to do with protecting children from suffering the same problems that I suffer from. I can't fix myself (from any permanent, irreversible damage done to my body and mind), but the least I can do is protect the next generation. That is the only thing that I still have control over. I know that I am damaged because I was much healthier when I was younger, and because the problems began happening in more recent years, and I was very much aware of the things that were happening and how it changed me.
I can still remember that I was much healthier before I had my mercury-silver dental filling put in, for instance. There was a lot of craziness after that. My whole life is a long series of things that you shouldn't do to a person.
So I had written him a comment, when I thought he was an EII instead of an IEE, about how I had the urge to tell him all this stuff (and I was probably in a manic attack at the time from a drug residue reaction) and how I thought that must be what it feels like to have an 'activator' relationship (which is what the EII would be to me). My feeling that I have the urge to tell him things is because I want to tell him that I know a lot of reasons why I am the way I am, why I am not healthy, what's wrong with me, and I know what to do about some of it, but for some of them (like vaccines, or tooth removals, etc) I can't fix them in myself, but I can prevent them in my children, and that is all I can do. It's this urge to tell him that I am not as unhealthy as it might seem, or that some of this unhealthiness is only temporary and it can be partly fixed. It's because I admire his writing so much and I admire what little I know about his life, and I agree with him about a lot of things.
I write because I enjoy the process of typing on a keyboard. I don't have a clear purpose or audience in my mind or a clear message that I'm trying to convey. My writing isn't organized and it isn't intentional. I am often a puppet, and I am often physically sick or having a drug residue reaction or exhausted from work. I write because it occupies me for a while although I should be doing other things that I need to do.
I hesitated to write about my reaction to his photo. The first photo of him that I saw, it was the one that he has on his blogger profile, where he seems to be standing in a hall, and someone else took the picture. Pictures that someone else takes are always different from pictures you take yourself by holding the camera in your hand. I know this from my own photos - I always have a sad, lonely, depressed look on my face, perhaps even downright miserable, when I take my own picture. So in that photo, the person was looking up at him as though they were somewhat shorter than he is. I wondered if it was his girlfriend/wife taking the picture, and it almost looks like he has a loving look on his face. I loved that picture immediately and had a very intense reaction to it and thought he was beautiful. So then I went looking for more pictures, and actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I want to find the one with him and his grandmother or aunt or whoever she was. But 'they' wanted me to write down my reaction to his picture. - Actually, I went and looked at it - he took that photo himself.
Well, so that is what is going on with this.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment