using the ego block

11:41 AM 3/9/11

Learning about the functions has made me able to explain how I know when I'm being attacked. 'They' are using EVERYTHING BUT my ego block.

My 'ego block' in socionics is: introverted sensing and extraverted logic. My introverted sensing notices things like whether I'm comfortable or sick. My extraverted logic notices empirical observations, what works and what doesn't work, and I use this information to help me make myself comfortable.

That is exactly what I used to write about when I was in college. I kept journals, and I remember one particular journal where I wrote down lists of unusual symptoms I was experiencing, and then on the other side I wrote down lists of possible correlations to them, lists of 'what I had done.' In that way, I noticed that drinking the tap water at Shepherd College, WV caused me to have a large number of symptoms, like a sore throat and swollen tonsils, itchy throat, and mucus in my nose and throat. I never had those problems before I went to Shepherd College, but all of a sudden, they became a constant, chronic nuisance. As soon as I bought bottled water and totally stopped drinking tap water, the symptoms stopped completely and did not return. This is the use of introverted sensing with extraverted logic.

I also wrote lots of journals that weren't using those particular functions in quite that way. I wrote stories of things that had happened to me, like 'I said this and he did that.' I would tell the story, in as much detail as I could, and sometimes I would jump back to an earlier point in time in a 'flashback' if I remembered something that was relevant, if something in the past had caused something that was happening in the present.

The mind control attacks are not using my ego blocks, or, if they are trying to use them, they are not using them very well at all. Instead, they give me these passive fantasies that go on and on and on and on for hours while I am lying in bed after having been forced awake. It's always a passive fantasy of saying something to somebody. I'm preparing myself to say this or that to them. But if I look too closely at the fantasies, I instantly notice that this fantasy has nothing to do with anything that matters to me and is irrelevant to my goals and things that I need. Because of this, problems don't get solved, and everything lingers on and on and on much longer than it should.

And I am not saying that I don't need social interaction. I am saying that my life is in a hell that you cannot imagine right now, and that I am being constantly attacked and sabotaged by murderers who make all of my activities several orders of magnitude slower and more inefficient than they ought to be, and so, I am still stuck with drug residues and it is a horrifying four years later after the original incident at the end of 2006.

I am saying that this matters very much and if I were free to use my introverted sensing and extraverted logic, then I would be totally focused on doing everything possible to solve this problem instead of ignoring it. But, as I said, I am constantly zapped and sabotaged, especially if I try to use the other function which I now know is introverted intuition. If I try to look into the future and get a feeling for how long something will be, and get a feeling for how all the events fit together in the long run, and think about how important something in the future is to me, and how I feel I need to hurry in order to get it done soon enough - if I think that way, if I motivate myself using that sense of time and the future, I am instantly zapped the first millisecond that I even try to think about time and the future and how I need to hurry. That was the first thing they destroyed when they began attacking me.

I'm having a reaction this morning and last night, and, as usual, went and pestered poor RDL again by attempting to leave a comment on one of his blogs, and failing because of a browser problem, and emailing it to him instead. And it was another one of those 'excessively long, inappropriate friendliness with laser-beam intensity' style of comments. So now he has the discomfort of deciding what to do about this, when he doesn't get on the internet as often as I do, as he doesn't have it connected in the house.

I've decided he is a Seven, after having mentioned it a couple days ago and then having been bombarded with voices debating about it for the past few days. His wife must be a Nine, although he has never said that anywhere, so I am just guessing.

'They' gave me a dream last night about another guy, and it is someone I know online, and at the end of the dream they said 'I - F - P.' We don't know whether to call him INFP or ISFP. I know who they are referring to. It is someone else.

About RDL, as a Seven, he would have 'disconnected type' behaviors. The 'disconnected, connected, and ambivalent types' idea was one of the add-ons to the enneagram. It wasn't originally there. Somebody noticed that Karen Horney? I think that's who - Karen Horney's three types could be correlated to the enneagram types. The Seven is a disconnected type. To be disconnected means that things aren't good enough for you - and that's making a long story short. It's a feeling of dissatisfaction, and a perfectionistic tendency. So 'they' kept warning me about his 'angry faces.' They were wondering whether I would still like him if I knew that he made angry faces.

None of this matters anyway, because he is in Ukraine, and I don't see myself making a plan to go visit, and it's not likely that he will be coming over here to visit me after I have merely written him a grand total of three inappropriate blog comments. Three blog comments doesn't warrant him dropping what he's doing and rushing over here to Pennsylvania to meet another blog author, at his own expense, especially when the comments were written while I was in a manic state induced by a drug residue reaction (although I realize that few people believe that the drug residues exist - most people believe that I just spontaneously act out of character for no reason).

It's not really 'out of character' per se. It's more like 'high intensity misdirected energy.' I'm a writing addict. I enjoy writing and I enjoy typing on a keyboard. When I see another writer and when I like his writing as much as I like RDL's writing - it's clear and easy to read and understand, and his way of explaining things has helped me understand socionics - when I see that, then I want to write back to him. I view him as this all-powerful, all-knowing, larger-than-life internet celebrity, but in reality he is a human behind the computer. (Just as I am much, much, much less in real life than I am online, he probably is too. He would seem like a normal person if you saw him and didn't know he was writing web pages.)

So this morning I was trying to get 'them' to use my ego block and only the ego block - intraverted sensing and extraverted logic. Then we were focusing on problems I need to solve, and asking how long it will take to solve them. They don't like to let me use those two functions, and especially not when I help them by using intuition to give it an overall structure and a place in time.

First I focused it on the drug residue cleanup project. I also focused it on changing over to a healthy diet and solving the problems that are preventing me from doing that.

All of this would be so easy and would happen very quickly and efficiently if I were allowed to use my brain and body the way it was designed to be used. I am designed to notice uncomfortable symptoms and get rid of them by taking actions that have been correlated with fixing those symptoms in the past. (The voices say, proudly, 'I am a doctor's daughter.' To be more precise, I am the daughter of a doctor and a nurse. I probably will never achieve as much as they did, since I am physically ill and constantly sabotaged.) I am able to pay attention to my physical state right now: constant low-level pain. I am able to recall every cause of pain that I have ever read about or observed on my own. I am able to take actions and observe whether my actions remove the pain. That is what I need to be doing. I don't need to sit there with these whiny, passive, neverending fantasies about what I'm going to say to this or that person.

RDL questioned, years ago, whether the belief system of socionics has a strengthening effect or a weakening effect on people. He questioned whether he ought to even be promoting this belief system or not, whether it was of value to anyone. I am finding it valuable as an electronic mind control victim, although that is only because they are letting me, or forcing me to.

I was just thinking now about them, the attackers. It's like they were given the command: 'destroy the ego.' So they identified what the ego is, in each individual, and then destroyed those functions and prevented the victims from using them, and forced them to use weaker functions instead, or, rather, use nothing at all, and die. Because that is what they have done to me for all these years - destroyed my brain's functioning by constantly zapping me every time I try to think and prepare for action.

I don't really know what command they were given. The people attacking me are people who happily obey commands regardless of the damage inflicted on innocent people. These attackers feel happy and comfortable about doing activities that physically hurt other people and destroy their lives - they LIKE doing this, they believe they are doing a good thing, they WANT to destroy people's lives and hurt them. So I wonder what commands they are given.

(After posting this, I am going to be bombarded with attacks telling me that no, they don't like hurting people, it makes them anxious and afraid, and so on. What do you care about my opinion of you? My opinion means nothing to you. I can't hurt you. I don't know who you are. I don't know where you are. The words I write on this screen cannot harm you in any way at all. Why do you care what I think of you?)

I should just finish this up and go do something else.