They're terrified that 'everything I do is unethical.'

8:28 PM 3/7/11

I am having an attack of phobia (shortly after having had a mania phase). I am frozen and immobile, and have been this way for a while.

After looking at the vulnerable functions, it's looking like 'everything I do is unethical.'

For instance:

1. I haven't returned the DVD to those guys. I am terrified to go knock on their door. I want to avoid: knocking too late at night when they're asleep, although I myself am often awake at 1:00 AM and other inconvenient times; I want to avoid just hastily giving them the DVD and then running away rudely because I don't feel like talking to them anymore, which would make it seem like I just 'used' them for the DVD, and like I don't care about them as human beings, I only care about what I can borrow from them, and I don't feel like hanging out with them and chitchatting anymore. But I am also terrified because if I keep the DVD forever, that was stealing, and that is also unethical.

2. I have a whole bunch of ENFps in my email now. This is hard to explain, but, I don't want to drop any of them, because inviting someone in, and then rejecting them, is unethical. I have to keep forever everyone who I invite in, and who I talk to in email a couple of times. I already feel unethical enough for writing an ad that induced large numbers of people to take the online tests, only to find out that they were the wrong type, and then lots of people sent me emails saying 'I'm an ISTJ,' and that kind of thing, as though I wanted to simply talk about types as such, all types, instead of seeking one type and rejecting all other types, which is what I was doing, and that's an unethical thing to do. All those rejected people must feel terrible and worthless, and annoyed with me because they wasted their time taking this useless test, even though my ad didn't command anyone to take the test - I said I was hoping for people who had already taken it and already knew. I don't want people wasting their time taking the test.

When the mind control people began attacking me and forcing me to experience learned helplessness, one of the biggest things that they attacked was my ethics. They told me that I was a soulless sociopath who deserved death, basically, to sum it up. I could attack them in return and tell them that they are morons who are incapable of finding healthy ways to get people to cooperate. And in fact, I do frequently say exactly that. The fact that they must push buttons on a machine and say 'bad horsie' to me tells me that they are incompetent horse riders who blame the horse for their incompetence and who abuse the horse for doing things that horses naturally do, which any COMPETENT horse rider can tell you.

It reminds me of Temple Grandin, who wrote a book called 'Seeing In Pictures,' or something like that. She was autistic. One thing she did was, she crawled through the areas where cows or pigs or other animals were going to get slaughtered, and she observed what was causing them to panic. Most of the time, the abusive morons would just brainlessly sit there and scream at the animals and whip them and beat them nearly to death if they panicked and refused to move, but Temple Grandin observed that if, for instance, a flapping waving object was visible, it could cause the animals to panic, and that kind of thing. (My mother observed that horses panic if they see flapping, waving objects blowing in the wind, so that's the example I thought of. And yes, she is a competent horse rider who doesn't just scream at the horse or beat it to death. We read 'Black Beauty' as a child and recall the 'whip the horse while it pulls the carriage uphill while wearing the wrong kind of harness' scene.) They panic if they see certain kinds of images, and they won't move.

The same kind of thing happens if an agoraphobic person walks into the grocery store and sees all the parallel lines converging in the distance, all the parallel grocery shelves converging together, and they feel like they are looking down from a tall building instead of looking horizontally at objects on the ground, so they freeze. Their brain can't connect together the sensation of 'gravity is pointing downwards while the images are pointing sideways,' for some reason. But many times, when somebody sees someone who's having an attack of phobia and can't move, their reaction is 'scream at them, beat them, and push them while they panic.'

I like using Callahan's Thought Field Therapy, and I would use that on myself, but unfortunately, the mind control attacks completely prevent me from using that method at all. They don't like it when I treat myself using any kind of nonverbal method. Everything must be verbal or they won't allow me to do it. (Again: evil morons.) They won't allow me to create any new nonverbal, physical, kinesthetic, or spatial image structures unless they know exactly what it is.

I was fighting with them tonight because the morons won't allow me to learn the language of socionics. I am having trouble because E and I can be used several times in different positions, but if you do it the wrong way, you can create invalid combinations, like SII. So I am trying to learn to recognize invalid combinations, so that I can easily and quickly create valid combinations (like EIE) without hesitating. This is extremely easy for me to do whenever I am not being attacked, and when I can sleep at night for a long time without having forced dreams and without being forced awake and forced asleep and constantly zapped during sleep and while awake. However, in the existing situation, I am not capable of creating visual, logical, spatial structures that I would have used (for instance, mental charts that I can read in my mind) to make it quick and easy to learn the socionics language.

So I am getting these morons who deliberately sabotage all of my attempts to learn the new language. They are putting voices in my head that are continuing to use the old language, like ENFp and ISTj and so on, instead of using the new language.

Tonight, I had a sympathetic helper who cooperated with me to help me learn which combinations are valid and which ones are invalid, but we had to do everything 'out loud' using subvocal speech whispers, and I was forbidden to manipulate the visual images silently inside my mind without letting them know everything I was doing, because they don't want me to learn 'secret things' that they don't know about, which would be encoded into the visual structures. They don't want me to learn anything that they don't understand along with me. I hate the mentally ill murdering morons. Anyway, this person tonight was helping me create lists of invalid combinations mixed with valid combinations, and then I would circle the valid combinations, and cross off the invalid ones, and I did this a couple times. I wrote rules for which combinations are valid, for instance, you can't use two E's in the first and second position - you can only use two E's in the 2nd and 3rd, or the 1st and 3rd. I shouldn't have to do all that verbally. I would do it visually by recognizing the overall shape of the whole word, the same way that I recognize all English words by their physical shape. I recognize that parts of the word are physically higher or lower, larger or smaller, and so on. All words are shapes.

Similarly, when a baby learns to speak for the first time, they are never translating from one language to another. Instead they use baby talk, like glossolalia, nonsense syllables, and then they 'get results.' People react to their babble, and if the babble is right, then they get the desired results. If the babble is wrong, then nothing happens, or the wrong thing happens.

Babies CREATE language. They don't just learn language. The simple words like 'ma,' which is almost universal in almost all languages, is the result of a baby's mouth being easily able to form that sound. It was babies who created the word 'ma.' Same with 'ba' and 'pa.' Babies didn't learn those words from their parents. Instead, parents learned those words from their babies. It went both ways.

But I am forced to hear the voices of murderers who slowly, stupidly, awkwardly force me to translate one language into another, instead of directly jumping in and learning the language without any reference to the old language. They don't want me to learn anything in a visual way. They don't want me to create any suspicious, secretive, unknown new mental constructs that they don't understand, so everything has to be slow, stupid, inefficient, ineffective, and verbal. Again, I hate the murdering morons. They made loud snapping noises in the room and in my head whenever I was trying to restructure the images visually, every time.

And also, what am I losing when I sleep at night? How much knowledge would I have learned if I could sleep and dream an entire night without being controlled and interrupted?

I hate them.

I would help myself easily untangle the 'everything I do is unethical' phobia, instantly and quickly, using all of the knowledge I have, using nonverbal methods like Thought Field Therapy or anything else that I already know. I have everything I need to solve this, but the mentally ill murdering morons won't let me solve it myself, because 'that would be nonverbal and all nonverbal activities are forbidden.' The end. So I am stuck, unable to get a job, unable to finish completing the application process because apparently, somebody somewhere is afraid that I might do something unethical. And I can't finish getting a boyfriend or even a platonic friend either, because somebody somewhere is afraid that I might do something unethical. Apparently, every mental process that uses visual, kinesthetic constructs is unethical.

I need to go eat again. I'd clean out my refrigerator and get rid of the bone marrow vapors that prevent me from putting anything in my refrigerator, and I'd do all the other things necessary to help myself cook food at home again instead of buying fast food from drive-thrus, but alas, it would be unethical to control myself.

They let me do lots of things IF: I use an antidepressant drug like St. John's Wort, if I let them directly command me, step by step, moment by moment, to do each and every specific thing that I do, all day long, because SJW makes me suggestible and obedient, so I tolerate the constant controlling. Without that drug, I am forbidden to do *ANYTHING AT ALL* on my own using my own mental constructs and my own self-initiative. Again, I hate them. They are also refusing to let me do anything at all on my own without caffeine, too.

I haven't decided what I will eat. I know that I hate them. That's all I know.