2:17 PM 3/30/11
No, that wasn't an emotional reaction.
There would be people who look at what I wrote, and they would interpet it as my having an emotional reaction because of the text message that was accidentally sent to me by Chris. Yes, chronologically, the crying and wailing and all that was after I had received the message.
That is not the same as my kind of emotional reaction. I have had emotional reactions before. I have been devastated with grief. It has no resemblance to what I was doing last night. (taking one step and lifting my foot way up and slowly putting it down in slow motion while shaking and trembling and flapping my hands and wailing and having heart palpitations).
When I have a truly emotional reaction, it is very different from that. It happened a while back when Curtis sent me a text message that either 1. I misunderstood, or 2. 'they' wrote the message instead of Curtis himself writing it. Curtis was totally bewildered when he saw me later on and I was reacting strangely, and he hadn't meant to send me a 'rejection.'
Whatever it was, I understood it as a rejection. I had been friends with Curtis for over a year and had seen him every day at work and was bonded with him.
When I was devastated by that rejection, I cried and cried for hours, producing real tears and lots of them, until my nose was so stuffy and I had to blow my nose. My chest hurt so badly it felt like my heart and the whole middle of my chest was crushed. I recognized 'emotional pain' and 'grief' and 'rejection' as a physical feeling in my body, and it was not at all the same as what I was doing last night.
When I was heartbroken, I didn't make any effort to 'repress' the feeling, and I didn't 'fail to recognize an emotion for what it was,' or any such thing. I clearly recognized that I was feeling grief and agony and was heartbroken and devastated. There was no repression and there was no problem of 'repressed feelings coming out as physical symptoms.' It was clearly grief and it was being expressed directly as grief and I knew that's what it was.
Chris is someone who I barely know and didn't have strong feelings for. I never saw him before last night, except in photos. We haven't bonded and I haven't invested much emotion in this relationship. I also don't find his body physically attractive, because there are two physical characteristics that I am strongly sexually attracted to: 1. guys who are very skinny, or else adolescents, and 2. long hair and beards.
Chris isn't either of those things. With Chris, it's disappointing, but not a big deal. What's more frustrating to me is that it's hard to meet the right people. But that's not about Chris in particular. I am not so much grieving and in agony because of having invested a huge amount of hope and love into the relationship and then having it all destroyed - it doesn't feel like that at all. It felt exactly like the purely physical sicknesses that I have from other drug residues. It was not a 'repressed emotion showing physical symptoms' or anything like that.
***
On a totally different subject, I went to Fisherman's Paradise yesterday and took pictures of myself. I also made a video of myself talking about how I can't actually make this video because I'm not ready to give the speech that I wanted to give. So it's a video about not making a video, basically. I should title it 'I'm not making this video' or something. Or 'this video doesn't exist.' Or whatever.
I just started using 'introverted sensing' and complaining about how this isn't the right spot for me to sit down, I shouldn't do this while walking, I'm not comfortable, I'm too cold, I feel anxious sitting here, blah blah, I can't make the video here, I'm not ready yet, I'm not able to do this, and so on. It seemed sort of like introverted sensing, but I make a lot of mistakes when I try to identify which function is being used.
There was a scowl between my eyebrows much of the time, I noticed. It seems like a scowl of doubt and worry. It was also a squint because of the bright sunlight in my face. That scowl sometimes goes away, but it has left a permanent wrinkle embedded in my skin. I also accidentally took a close-up photo of my crow's feet eye wrinkles, the laughter-and-squinting lines, because the camera was zoomed in when I aimed it at myself, so there is an extreme close-up of the 36-year-old eye wrinkle. (This is one of those days when I don't like being a Three. I don't like Threes very much today and I'm sick of seeing them all over the place. Where are all the other enneagram types?)
A couple things bothered me in the video and photos, so I won't do those things next time I make a video. It bothered me when my hair was hanging down around my face. I kept wanting to push it back out of the way. This is like watching Justin Bieber and wanting to brush his hair away off his eyebrows. (He's cut his hair now, which is even worse. Wrong way to go, Justin! You should have parted it in the middle, or at least on the side, and brushed it out of your face instead of cutting it... but who am I to tell you what to do with your hair?) I also had a Bad Whisker Day, where one of the whiskers on the left side of my mustache was pointing outwards to the side, like a handlebar mustache. I kept wanting to brush it down in line with the other whiskers. So I will check for those kind of things before making another video.
I can't do anything about the bald spot on the right temple of my head. There is hardly any hair there, and it's been that way for quite a few years now, and it's only on the right side. I don't know if it's traction alopecia from how I restrained my hair years ago (barrettes? ponytails? don't know), or if it's related to my dental fillings on that side. With the dreadlocks, the bald spot is visible.
There is one huge monster lock developing there over my right ear, then just a couple more thin locks above. The monster lock is forming because the hair falls out and joins the lock from many places around the big lock, where the hair is balding - I think that short hairs grow there, and then fall out, and the short fallen-out hairs merge into the monster lock.
I have a couple monster locks, two of them, on the back of my head, which I think are probably caused by my braiding my hair and keeping it often tied back for work. I can't do anything about that - I have to keep it restrained for work. None of the locks on the left side of my head are the 'congo' monster locks - they are all small and medium sized and they don't join with each other. The left side of my hair has always been more manageable than the right side, back when I used to style my hair.
I can see the spiral of my hair too, which way the hairs grow around the spiral. It's more visible with the locks, because the locks form around the spiral and they try to face the direction of the spiral. I have some locks at the top back of my head which want to hang forwards, but are hanging back because of gravity, and you can see which way the roots of the hair are growing.
I wanted some more pictures of my dreadlocks. I have older pictures where my hair is long and loose, but not many recent pictures with dreadlocks. I took some pictures using the phone, but I'm not using the phone much because it costs $30 a month to buy a Straight Talk card, and I have nobody to text, and I don't like texting (Chris's message went to my old tracfone, the one that is able to receive messages but can't send them because of an unexplained glitch that tech support can't fix). And the ones on the phone were terrible quality, and I felt that I disliked the bad quality photos so much that I just didn't enjoy taking photos at all. I was always pleased with the photos from my real camera. So I got that out and used it again.
It's strange how someone can be humble and humiliated, but also proud of something and feeling superior, at the same time. Superior, and inferior, feel almost exactly the same. You feel inferior but tell yourself that you're feeling superior. You feel judged by other people, but you are also judging them. This is how my dreadlocks make me feel. I know that they are gross and disgusting by mainstream standards, but at the same time, I feel that they are a high achievement for me, even though they are not understood by mainstream society. I am achieving something in a different market niche. I am not achieving something that the mainstream values.
(I wrote about RDL in the previous post, about how he believes in peak oil. He himself would feel frustrated because people don't listen to him, since he doesn't have the social status that they will listen to. Meanwhile, he is also reflecting that feeling towards others, so that other people don't have enough social status to tell him what to believe. He is powerless to influence people to stop using gasoline (or whatever, that's just an example, I don't know what he really would say), but meanwhile, a blog reader like myself feels the same powerless/inferior feeling when trying to convince HIM to change his mind about something. This is all part of my extremely negative and cynical 'everybody is an untrustworthy, backstabbing, enneagram Three today!' feeling.)
So I accept the way I look with dreadlocks, although I actually don't think I look very pretty. This is when I say 'it's not about image.' I have reasons why I say these things and do these things.
If everyone worries about what they're going to look like, because of this or that tiny imperfection, then we end up with the horribly boring and unsatisfying world that we live in right now, where everybody shaves their heads and their faces and everybody is terrified of going bald and women are terrified that their long hair looks 'creepy' when their hair grows an inch below mid-back (what? wth? I know, right? They say it looks 'creepy' to have hair just a couple inches longer than mid-back! What the hell is 'creepy' about that? Where did the word 'creepy' come from, and how did it get associated with the image of a woman whose hair is longer than mid-back??? The only thing that I ever heard anyone say is that it reminds them of the lady on The Addams Family, and in that respect, it's 'creepy' because The Addams Family is 'creepy.'), and terrified that they have 'split ends' when actually the hair is merely tapering to a point, and so on.
When everyone is terrified about how they are going to look, the world is a very unsatisfying place where I don't see ANYTHING that I like to look at or touch!
So in my strange, twisted way, I am doing my part to make this place a more beautiful and satisfying world to live in, even though it might not seem like that.
So then I loaded the pictures onto the netbook, which will be able to connect with wi-fi to put them on the net. I also have a video where I was driving to West Virginia in the night, in December 2010, and I stopped at a rest stop. A large part of the video shows nothing but blackness with my voice talking, so that video should be very entertaining, lol. I had the lights off and was sitting in my car in the dark while doing the video. Then I have some videos of Dad making hamburgers in the snow. I thought those videos were cute. He wasn't actually 'making them in the snow.' He was using a grill, on the front porch, while it was snowing, instead of frying hamburgers directly on the snow or whatever that grammatical construction made it sound like he was doing.
I never uploaded the naked videos. But if you want to see them, just send me your credit card numbers and your address and I'll mail them to you. They're pretty boring, actually. (I am just kidding by the way. I do really have some naked videos. But if someone actually sent me their credit card numbers, I wouldn't even know what to do with them. How exactly would I *use* someone's credit card numbers? I would have to use them someplace where you just type in the numbers, maybe for an online purchase or something. And I probably wouldn't have key pieces of information that I would need to use that person's credit card numbers.) I'm not sure I want to be mailing out my naked videos to people who are mailing me their credit card numbers. But I will be uploading non-naked videos. And maybe sometime I will put up non-sexual nude pictures, because I am a nudist.
The speech I was thinking that I should give is a speech about the evolution of long hair in humans. There are a few common fallacies that people have about evolution, where they often make evolution sound almost exactly like intelligent design. So I would work around those fallacies as well as I could. I was thinking about introverted sensing, and how I defaulted to that when I didn't know what to say and I was embarrassed and anxious in the video - 'I can't do this while I'm walking,' etc. The speech would be about extraverted logic: how stuff happens. There would be a little bit of introverted logic: what are the principles behind this. (again, don't take my word on what functions I'm using, because I'm not very good at recognizing functions yet.) I don't know if I want to get into it right now, because the speech would require some serious planning and preparation.
So I was thinking, in order to show my true strength, how might I make a video that shows my introverted sensing in use? (instead of a speech that uses logic.) Something that directly engages and challenges introverted sensing. I don't mean doing a juggling demonstration or something like that (I never learned to juggle very well, but I tried.) How could I challenge my particular style of introverted sensing, in a video, to demonstrate what introverted sensing looks like?
The 'logic' of evolution is serving the needs of my introverted sensing, to see and touch long hair. I would be using it to explain WHY I feel the need to see and touch long hair, why is this necessary, why is this instinctive, why is this programmed into my brain and body, why have I felt this way my entire life since childhood even though nobody ever explicitly taught me or told me to feel this way?
For nobody did ever teach me to love long hair. I loved long hair when I was in kindergarten. I learned how to pet the soft fur of cats and dogs, and it seemed normal to want to pet the soft fur of humans, and how can anybody pet something that doesn't have any fur? And how come large numbers of people are totally oblivious to a need for long hair, while other minorities of people experience a desperate, intense, starving need for it, so that it gets called a 'sexual fetish,' because not everyone feels that way or feels it this intensely?
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