No, I'm not 'Te-dom.' There is a theory of subtyping where if someone seems to be using a lot of the 'wrong' function for their particular type, in such a way that they resemble a different type, you can write that they are one particular type, plus the unusual function that they are using. So someone might call me an ISTp - Te-dominant, or something.
There is a reason why it seems like I use too much 'T.' I am not really using either one of the logic functions. I am not using extraverted logic, nor introverted logic.
They didn't see me when I was younger and not being attacked, when I was actually able to use my senses without being interrupted. Nowadays, if I use only my senses to see and feel and experience something, I get zapped every few seconds, and not only that, I am also getting a bombardment of forced subvocal speech. If you aren't a targeted individual, you can't imagine what a bombardment of forced subvocal speech is like. There is a constant whisper going on that never ends. You can't pay attention to your senses or anything else. There is a constant stream of words. All of your thinking is verbal, because if you try to use either your senses, or a nonverbal intuitive thinking, or any other function or process, you get zapped painfully, and there is no silence even for a second as the forced subvocal speech goes on and on. It is a combination of feeling and hearing the whispers which seem to be someplace inside my voice box and sinuses and ears, constantly, and I can't pinpoint exactly where they are.
I used to play video games. I played Myst. I remember the beautiful images. I played other video games where I remember just seeing the images and moving through them. I was using my senses.
I wanted to draw when I was younger. I used to draw pictures constantly when I was a child. I tried teaching myself to draw even better as an adult, but I was unable to follow the instructions in the book I was using, because I was physically unable to enter 'contemplation mode,' where you do nothing but see the image in front of you and translate it into hand movements. I cannot do this because I am being attacked and have been attacked for years. They constantly disturb the mental focus every few seconds.
When I am trying to do a process of any kind, I am forced to whisper explicit verbal instructions and explanations for every step. It is slow and inefficient.
I'm talking about this because this is what they woke me up with this morning. RDL is a replacement for the crush on Curtis. So they wake me up every day thinking about him now. They woke me up saying that he had thought I was an LSI, then a 'T-dom' SLI. I doubt that he really is even thinking those things. But they made me start arguing against that interpretation. Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows what I am like when I am free, when I am not being constantly bombarded with forced whispers.
Electronic harassment is the result of an evil belief system. They believe, for unknown, unfathomable reasons, that they have to destroy the entire life of a particular ordinary person. I call them soul murderers because they destroy the hours of your time on earth forever, and even though your body and your soul are still alive, your soul is unable to express itself, to be itself, to live the life it would live, until the hours of its life are gone. It is practically murder, even though the soul is still there and is 'merely' suppressed. They fool themselves into believing that what they're doing 'isn't that bad' because they're not actually killing someone's body or causing permanent damage to the brain. But they cause permanent damage to the timeline, the hours of your life, the permanent record of who you are at any particular moment in time. That record cannot be undone. It is a permanent loss. But that's too 'deep' for button-pushing morons to contemplate.
Today, I am going to take a test at Manpower so that I can get started working temp jobs. However, this isn't likely to work out the way I want it to. I know what I want to do, but it's hard to do. I need to apply to several different temp agencies at once so that I can keep going to temp jobs after one job ends. I still need to get the application process going at several more places, not just one. There are long periods in between jobs if you are only working at one place. And I will have to change my schedule at McDonald's every time I get a temp job. So I want to change my McD schedule and keep it that way and then have continuous temp jobs.
What happened with those people I was emailing? Nothing. I froze up. I have become unable to continue speaking to them. They do not have the 'common interests' that I need them to have in order to understand me at all, and so, in order for me to meet anyone, I have to start out by looking for 'common interests' and can't even bother to think about their sociotype until later on. I literally am having a sort of panic atttack or anxiety attack whenever I prepare to try to answer their emails. There are a couple of emails just waiting there to be answered. My 'common interests' are so esoteric, so rare, so hard to find, that they have made me into an outsider forever, someone who is not part of this society. I AM part of it, but I am an outcast, someone constantly dissatisfied and unable to get what they need from society.
What happened with Curtis? 'They' have said that people are wondering whatever became of him, because I haven't been talking about him, and I substituted a crush on RDL instead, to occupy that part of my energy. (Apparently, 'hopeless one-way crushes' are a permanent part of who I am. I don't want it to be that way forever. But there seems to be a need to have that particular thing going on at all times.)
Well, I can tell what happened with Curtis. It's buried here in the middle of a long caffeine-induced ramble.
When Curtis did the fake tattoo prank, I wrote to him on facebook. I hadn't been writing to him or visiting him. I was just leaving him alone. I was trying to look for other guys to be with. But when that happened, I did things that I was forced to do, because I am constantly being controlled, and the way that I express myself verbally is controlled by 'them.' I had strong feelings and strong reactions because I really believed at first that he had gotten a bunch of tattoos. But those feelings are silent and nonverbal. I might express them very differently if I were not being controlled. I would still try to verbalize them but it would not look anything like the way it looks now, when I talk or write about my feelings.
So I wrote a couple of emails to him, and I actually don't recall everything I said, but 'I' told him that I liked him the way he was, etc, etc. I don't really want to go into details.
Meanwhile, on the comments under the picture, 'they' started getting into it. First I wrote that it looked like it was a shirt and not a real tattoo. Then I wrote that he 'had me all upset for a minute there.' That would have been enough. He responded by continuing the joke and saying it was real. (A few other people commented too, and some other people said the same things I had noticed - you can see the neckline of the shirt, you can't see any nipples, etc.)
'They' got even more involved and began to plan ahead about what I was going to say to him as a 'joke' in return. I would pretend to talk about it like it was a real tattoo, and then I would recommend a website (which would actually be a site that sells those shirts) where they talked about 'tattoo removal' in case he ever changed his mind. Their 'amusing idea' (typical of 'them') was that I would describe the tattoo removal process like the process of taking off a shirt - you peel the entire layer of skin off starting at the waist and pulling it up over your head and inside out down your arms, except I would describe this as being the tattoo-covered skin instead of a shirt, and it would be an unbearably painful process. Ha ha, I'm sure that joke would be very amusing. It sounds exactly like the disgusting nightmares that they have often forced me to have.
So 'they' decided to make me start talking about how painful it must have been to get all those tattoos. Then I was supposed to say that it's even more painful to get them removed, and talk about the process of 'taking off the shirt.'
As soon as I started talking about 'pain,' they (he and his girlfriend) freaked out. I didn't even get to the process of taking off the shirt. I had just made a comment talking about how it must have been horribly painful to get all those tattoos for hours and hours and wondered if they can give you an anesthetic while it's going on and saying that I myself 'crumble after the slightest bit of pain' (again, something I myself would not ever say).
He didn't respond to that, and I was simultaneously emailing him and his girlfriend, and his gf told me 'he did not like that at all.'
This is people's normal response when they hear the type of things that the mentally ill murdering morons like to talk about. That's not who I am, and those are not the type of jokes I like to make. I'm not the person who likes to talk about making other people feel pain.
So I sent him an email at the same time asking him to block me for a week and then unblock me because I would have time to cool down and I would stop making comments. He did block me. He never bothered to unblock me or re-friend me, and there's really no point in it anyway - I'm better off this way and so is he.
He never was able to discuss the things I needed to discuss. I had written him many emails, text messages, and even paper notes to make sure he was really getting them and they weren't being intercepted. If someone can't discuss the things I need to discuss, then we can't be friends, because sooner or later, the very things that I predict will happen, will happen. I tried again and again to tell him: I have mood swings, I know what's causing them but I can't do anything to fix it right now; I am being controlled and forced to say things; you need to draw boundary lines to show how much interaction with me is appropriate; we need to talk openly about WHAT THOSE BOUNDARY LINES ARE; we need to plan in advance how we will respond if I do anything that makes you uncomfortable, because you can bet that sooner or later I WILL, not that I want to. I need to know about important things like, for instance, if he gets scared, is he going to panic and call the police on me and get me sent to a mental hospital? Or can we PLAN IN ADVANCE how we will respond if I say or do something scary, so that that doesn't happen? He wouldn't ever discuss any of those things with me, so we cannot be friends.
So that is why my 'hopeless crush slot' is empty and has been refilled by a hopeless crush on a married author in a foreign country.
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