How does my partner answer the question: What is blocking our happiness?

12:38 AM 3/21/11

Tonight I went and looked at some more of RDL's websites, and read his wife's blog. She has blogs about food and about healthy hair. There was one that said it was about healthy living or wellness or something but it didn't have any posts in it.

I was thinking about some things.

I was asking the question, what do my partner and I do together if kids were irrelevant? My main reason for marrying, for seeking a husband, is so that we can have children together and give them a safe, stable life.

I need to mention this or I'll forget it: I've decided that air pollution causes a lot of the Weston Price bone deformities, things like the weak chin, the malformed sinus passages, the maloccluded teeth, the narrow hips and other things WP observed.

Anyway: I had been asking what do my partner and I do together without children?

It is me and him against the world. We look at each other and we understand that there are things that matter more than anything else. You make drastic changes in your life because your life matters. You don't just sit there suffering.

However, there is one way that RDL is lucky, and I am not, and I envy him and feel separate from him, and I felt this while reading his pages and his wife's. They don't know about mind control. They think that there are other issues in the world, other things that are more important. They still feel that they are able to be happy.

So one of the questions I ask with my partner is: Why are we unhappy? What causes us to be unhappy? And he and I have to agree about the answer to that question, and we have to agree about what actions to take to solve the problem.

For instance, I have met one person from my ad asking for ENFPs, and he is interested in New Age religions and psychic phenomena. He has told me some things that I understand right away to mean that he has been a victim of 1. electronic harassment, and possibly 2. drug poisoning, residues, or chemicals. He doesn't interpret these events the same way that I do. He understands them to be psychic forces and he believes in Ascension.

There is someone I've read occasionally who writes a blog about Ascension. (Not the guy I've been emailing, but someone else entirely.) It's the belief that the whole world is changing and that we are moving to a 'higher dimension,' and I can't tell you much about it because I'm not very interested in it and don't believe in it. I've read the blog because it relates to me in some ways: 'they' have been pushing me to create a religion, and 'they' were always giving me these feelings of 'huge importance' and 'changing all of history' and that kind of thing. Ascension seems like a metaphor for what the puppeteers are doing to the world. Whatever beliefs appear in the Ascension belief system, those beliefs came from the puppeteers and are an expression of what the puppeteers want to do - that is how I interpret it. I've read that blog about Ascension because I see him as a fellow sufferer, a victim of mind control who does not know that he is a victim.

There is a protective belief that makes victims feel secure. If you believe that you are 'psychic,' 'indigo,' a 'crystal,' and so on, then you are someone special and important. Their illnesses and symptoms are all explained by Ascension and by the fact that we are moving up to a higher dimension. I explain all the symptoms totally differently: electronic harassment, drugs, chemicals, residues, etc. When you experience any strange symptoms, you explain it by saying it has something to do with Ascension and you feel less scared about it.

The guy I'm emailing even told me that he had had a container that had something along the lines of 'negative energies' associated with it, and he washed out the container and it got better. I call 'negative energies' 'poison residues.'

Note: I don't know how such tiny quantities of drug and poison residues are able to trigger reactions. I can prove it in an experiment, if you let me design the experiment my way. If someone else designs the experiment, they will be testing for things that I don't claim to be able to do. I claim that I am able to tell you, for instance, which piece of fabric has touched a seed of ephedra sinica, and which pieces have not. You simply brush the seed against the fabric, and I will touch it, and you can give me a whole bunch of other pieces of fabric that haven't touched the ephedra seed, and I will tell you that those fabrics are clean, and I will correctly identify the one that touched the seed. You can then wash that same piece of contaminated fabric as many times as you want. I'm guessing you can wash it in the washer about 20 times. I will still be able to tell you that this piece of fabric was contaminated with ephedra. However, you have to allow a certain amount of time in between the handling of each piece of fabric to allow the poison to diffuse through the skin, and in my experience, it takes about five minutes.

After washing something in the washer many times and finding that it still has poison residues in it, I wondered if there might be some truth to the beliefs of Homeopathy. Homeopathic medicine believes that if you dilute something many orders of magnitude, it actually increases in potency. I don't believe it necessarily increases, but it is still there. I believe that perhaps only a molecule or two of a poison are enough to trigger a reaction. You can react to a single molecule of poison the same way that, for instance, you react to a single molecule of your own body's hormones. Hormones are designed to work at extremely low dosages. I don't know how this works - perhaps the molecule connects to a receptor and then disconnects and moves on to another receptor elsewhere, over and over again, triggering impulses at every receptor. I don't know.

I also wondered if there might be some truth to the concept that there is some kind of 'energy,' as in, an electromagnetic field, which is triggering the reaction, instead of the molecule actually penetrating the skin. This thought occurred to me because I was wondering: If the drug sticks to fabric so tightly that I can't wash it out after dozens of washings, then why is it suddenly able to let go and pass through my skin while I'm touching it? Maybe it really HAS left some kind of 'electromagnetic signature' in the fabric, or 'energy signature' as they say.

There are several answers: Again, it only takes one molecule to trigger a reaction. There are so many molecules still in the fabric that I would need exponential notation to count them. So I could still be getting just one molecule, while the rest of the quadrillions of molecules are still there.

Another answer might be: they diffuse through oil more easily than they do through water. Perhaps in the washer, they don't come out. But against my warm, oily skin, the molecules let go of the fabric and dissolve through my skin oils because they are an oil-loving molecule. Ephedrine is, in fact, oil soluble, if I recall correctly, but it's been a while and I can't remember for sure, and I might be wrong. It's also a vapor if I recall. I could be wrong about all of this.

Well... so I can see that these other people are talking about the same things I experience, but describing them by a totally different belief system, in a totally different language. And this is very frustrating to me. I want to talk to someone who says 'drug residues' instead of 'negative energies,' and 'electronic mind control' instead of 'psychic powers,' and 'I am a targeted individual' instead of 'I am an Indigo.'

I want my partner to answer the questions the same way I do. Why are we unable to be happy? Because we are physically sick... and why are we physically sick? Because of this, this, and that (which I have written about many times before: bad food, vaccines, air pollution, electromagnetic pollution, chemicals, permanent irreversible damage to our bodies, permanent irreversible deformities that we developed in the womb and also while growing up, which were caused by all of the above, etc). And also, the last one: We are unhappy because we are constantly being attacked by unknown people using electronic weapons, which interfere with our minds and bodies so that we cannot focus our minds for even a second without a zap, and we cannot sleep at night or dream our own dreams. I want my partner to answer the question the same way I do, and to take action the same way I do.

If you are an Indigo, suffering from the usual problems that Indigos suffer, then you treat the problems in a different way, possibly by meditating or praying or holding crystals or whatever they do. If you are a targeted individual suffering from electronic attacks, then you solve the problem by building shields, by tracking down the attackers, by using equipment to detect the attacks and determine where they are coming from, and if you are an activist, then you also try to do things like inform the public, and communicate to the government and the media (which I don't want to do - I want to focus on direct action like shielding, which doesn't depend on convincing large numbers of people to believe me. I can get results by having my own shield, and it won't matter who believes me and who doesn't.).

So even though I feel like I have a lot in common with that person who I've been emailing, one of the people who answered my ad, I don't feel like we can cooperate on solving the problem of why we are suffering and what needs to be done about it.

My partner must agree with that feeling of importance, that awareness that yes, we must do something about this, and we must do it ourselves because nobody else is going to do it. The government won't do it for us. Nobody can help us. This is the same feeling I get from 'The Order of the Phoenix,' one of my favorites of the Harry Potter books, where they decide that they can't depend on the teacher to show them how to defend themselves, so they make their own group to learn self-defense. I want my partner to look at me and feel that way: the 'let's do it' feeling. (And I don't mean sex, I mean, let's make a change in our lives, let's take action, let's solve this problem, let's stop suffering and do something about it.) The do it now, right now, feeling.

I have this envy reading about RDL and his wife, because they haven't been targeted individuals, they are not suffering from constant 24 hour surveillance and electronic attacks, and their bodies weren't harmed as badly by early influences the way mine was. They both look physically healthy and do not have badly deformed faces.

People have priorities. They have beliefs about what is important and what is not important, and a range of degrees in between. RDL thinks that environmentalism, for instance, is very important. Like the most urgent and the most important thing that humans need to worry about is the environment. I know a lot of people believe that. I'm not sure how much of an environmentalist he is or how important it is to him, but I get the impression that environmentalism is behind his beliefs about what is important and what is not.

About Julian Simon: I used to be getting into the environmentalism thing too when I was younger. After reading Julian Simon I still believe that the environment is being damaged, but I also believe that the government isn't the solution - making lots more laws isn't necessarily helping it, and most of the laws are corrupt. I also believe that disaster scenarios and end-of-the-world scenarios are mistaken. It's more likely that we will nickel-and-dime ourselves to death instead of a big huge cloud of pollution covering the entire sky so that we all starve to death because our crops won't grow. (In other words, life gets worse in small ways over a long time, and it isn't all because of pollution - a lot of it is because the government is growing bigger and bigger and destroying the quality of life and taking away the money you earn. 'Nickel and diming to death' means that you don't get one big sudden loss, but instead, you just lose a nickel here, a dime there, etc.) And yes, it is true that things like electricity have improved pollution - I was just listening to the radio today and hearing about how different Pittsburgh is from the way it once was, because much of the smog is gone now that there is no coal burning.

It was Julian Simon who made me believe that having children would be okay. So I am looking for someone who still wants to live in a clean environment, but who also believes that having children is a good thing.

But I had been asking, what do my partner and I do together if children are irrelevant? How do we merely enjoy each other's company?

I have to be able to tell him things and have him agree with my interpretation, which I wrote about above.

What do we do together? What do we do to make life worth living? What do we do to make it so that, when we die, it's okay to die? When we die forever and never come back, we can say, that's okay, because we lived the way we lived. What will we do to live that way? Do we want to create something big and long-lasting together? (Aside from children and family.) Do we want to explore the world, travel, have adventures? (I have been envying RDL for doing that.) Do we want to read as many books as we can read and learn as much as we can learn? Do we want to create works of art or write books? What are we doing to make life worth living?

I want my partner to understand: There is a barrier to my happiness. Something is preventing me from being happy. I would do all of those things and I would enjoy life, but unfortunately, there are things preventing me from doing that. We must agree about what those things are. We must agree about what needs to be done to fix those things.