1:03 PM 3/7/11
martin, ethics
not all ethics types are conflict types, only one
'missed connections' feeling - I was supposed to do something, but I did the wrong thing, and I see a hurt look on their face
the bearded bald guy
the enfp club
ghostbusters not intentionally fraudulent
criticising your vulnerable weak function (spell criticise? ze? like circumcise?)
write a 'who are they?' link
I can't recall everything they wanted me to mention. This is the bunch of stuff they were thinking of when I was lying in bed trying to wake up. What are you going to do today? I don't know, but it will involve the internet.
I have about six or seven ENFps emailing me now from my craigslist ad. There might be more than that. I have to go count them. I am not sure of their enneagram types, but I can see that there are differences in mood and style between them. I have gotten into deeper emails with the first two, and with the rest of them, we are only beginning. With the first two people who replied, I've gotten past the 'drop the bombs' email, where I must inform them of all the strange things about me that are likely to cause severe shock or conflict: 'I hear voices, and I interpret it as being caused by electronic weapons,' and 'I don't shave anything, and I have natural dreadlocks and a mustache.' Both of those things are likely to cause conflicts with people. I also have the chemical sensitivity thing and the drug residue thing, but those are slightly less frightening to mention.
One of the guys handled the 'hearing voices' thing well and said that perhaps everyone hears voices if only they sit still and listen and pay attention. He made it sound like a common thing. (The older guy, who I had talked with first, saw it as a negative thing, and remembered an incident where a friend of his had been hearing voices a long time ago, and he saw it as something to be concerned about.) I agree with the idea that probably everyone will hear them - if you meditate, and force your brain to become silent, then you will notice strange things happening while you are trying to meditate. Here are the things that happen to me: buzzing sounds in my head, voices, images that suddenly appear and force me to start dreaming and falling asleep, and sudden almost irresistible urges to go do something else instead of what I am doing.
And if I decide that I will meditate for ten minutes, then I suddenly get the urge to look at the clock, only a few seconds before the alarm goes off. I don't think that's natural - I interpret it as an attack - because it matches my other attacks, like being forced awake all night long every hour on the hour on the minute.
(See Eleanor White's cartoon about 'Targ.' That is an accurate description of what I've experienced in the past - you wake up all night long at exactly 1:00, 2:00, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00, and 6:00, during the 'demonstration phase' when 'they' are teaching you to become aware that you are being attacked. They do extremely noticeable things to you because they want to teach you that this is not an accident - it's being caused by a human being pushing buttons on a weapon or device. They want you to know they are there, so that you will attribute the cause of events to them, and develop a supernatural fear of the people controlling everything in your life. That wasn't how I reacted - I continued to persistently try to troubleshoot the events that happened so that I could distinguish between events caused by an attack, and events caused by natural phenomena, and I never ended up running around terrified by everything or having a God-like image of them.)
I am going to try to stay on topic. I had a half a caffeine pill to get up out of bed today but it will make me write a lot.
Martin, ethics: Showing highly visible facial expressions, and clowning around and making people laugh by using facial expressions, and acting out other people's facial expressions - I believe that that is a manifestation of E in the first position, ethics first, so he would be one of four types: EIE, EII, ESE, ESI. He is not necessarily an EIE as I said yesterday or whenever. He could be many different types and I don't know which one yet. Only one of the types is the 'conflict' type, the EIE, and I have different relationships with the other three.
My LSI co-worker who mentioned Pee-Wee Herman: I have suspected for a while that he might be an LSI, but I wasn't sure. He is intelligent, I'm fond of him, and we even have a few common interests. He watches Harry Potter too. And when we talk to each other, we sort of understand each other.
He seems a little bit unusual and doesn't quite fit in with everyone else socially. He once told me that he used to watch the Power Rangers, and he said he used to want to *be* a Power Ranger. I burst out laughing, and usually, when I burst out laughing, I regret it terribly afterwards because it can destroy trust in relationships if you start laughing when people tell you things that matter a lot to them, when they are being honest and sincere and vulnerable. He wasn't joking, he was serious. It was just unthinkable to me that anyone would like the Power Rangers, because when I was young, I thought they were stupid and I didn't watch them. (It's as though I assume that nobody else on earth likes them either, and the TV stations are foolishly playing the show to an empty audience, not knowing that every single person in the country changes the channel when that show comes on. It was hard for me to imagine that maybe, perhaps, one person might like the show, and there must be a reason why that one person likes the show.) But he was younger than I was at the time, and a different personality type, and so, something in the Power Rangers appealed to him and had an impact on him.
He and I have the 'missed connections' feeling frequently. I feel as though I don't quite know what to say, after he says something. And I like his jokes, and he makes me laugh, but I am often helpless to continue the conversation much longer, I just flounder and the conversation stalls. This doesn't always happen, but it happens often enough to notice.
He did something hilarious the other day. They were almost out of regular meat (we call it 'reg meat' for short), the small burgers for things like the cheeseburger. I was the cook that day and I had been running around doing other things for a few minutes while they ran out of meat. So he said, 'I'm going to need some reg meat soon.' It wasn't an irritable way, it was just an urgent informative way. But I jumped to it and said 'Okay sorry thank you!' and rushed to hurry up and cook reg meat right away. They (the two guys who were there) were amused by this. So the guy said, 'DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN!' in a fake, loud, growly voice, and the other guy grinned and looked over the table at me, and I started laughing uncontrollably for several minutes, and had to suppress my laughter while tears were leaking out of my eyes. And I just kept on laughing and the feeling wouldn't stop. I wrote about this a few paragraphs below this (I'm adding this story as an edit during reread), about how it's inappropriate to express your feelings by touching somebody, but I felt affection, and I would have touched him if I could.
After writing that edit, 'they' started suggesting that he might not be an LSI, because 'ethics' is being used to change or improve the mood of other people, by making a joke and making someone laugh to ease the anxiety. So he might be an E something first. So I don't know what type he is now. And that changes my whole 'Pee-Wee Herman' duality theory.
I actually can't have a good conversation with *anybody* there, really, although I tend to get on well with the other SLIs when I am with them. (It's hard to focus on one thing and keep from writing about every little thought that crosses my mind. I usually like to be thorough and write down every single thing that is even vaguely connected with the subject I'm writing about. I was about to write about my reactions to the LSEs that I work with, but that's too much irrelevant info.)
But I notice with this LSI that there is sort of a desire to connect, and a failure to do so. I have been reading about touch deprivation, and reading about bonobo apes and how they use sex to bond socially, and I compare that to my culture and my life, and I think of all the times when, if only I could just pat someone on the back, or put my arm around them, or do some other harmless expression of friendliness, it would relieve a lot of the tension. He is one of the people who I would like to touch in a friendly way, but I don't because it's inappropriate. It's usually males that I feel that way about, so there is a sexual component to this, and it isn't 'merely social friendliness.' But it's less intense than having a crush on someone, and I don't fantasize about kissing him or having sex with him. I don't like our culture's Puritan attitude about touch.
So the other day, this guy was talking to someone else, and I overheard him say 'Mecca lecca hi mecca hiney ho,' and I recognized Pee-Wee Herman's magic words from Pee-Wee's Playhouse. That was another show that I couldn't stand, never watched, and changed the channel if I saw it on, and I thought to myself back then that the entire world was changing the channel along with me, and that there could be no other person on earth who might be watching this show and enjoying it. So I laughed again when I heard the magic words. I said, 'That's from Pee-Wee's Playhouse,' and he said, 'Yeah... I have all of the episodes on tape.' He didn't merely say 'I like Pee-Wee Herman,' no, he has ALL the episodes. So I was totally bewildered by this, because my entire universe had been shattered. You mean... *SOMEBODY WAS ACTUALLY WATCHING THAT SHOW?* The empty audience of people, all of whom changed the channel instantly, just like me, when that horrible foul show came on - it didn't exist? You mean people *enjoyed* that show?
I don't know why I hated Pee-Wee Herman when I was a child. His particular type of humor was not at all funny to me. He seemed condescending, like the adults who talk down to you in a little kiddie voice instead of talking to you in a normal voice. I probably had memories of the pedophile child molester guy who used to visit my parents and did some things to me. Pee-Wee Herman felt like *that*.
It made his reputation even worse in my eyes years later when he was caught doing 'indecent exposure' in a movie theater. I am a nudist, so this type of thing triggers a conflicting reaction in me. I am simultaneously disgusted and repulsed and annoyed, I have this feeling 'they don't understand' (which is probably what the 'exposer' himself is feeling), and I have a feeling that all of it ought to be okay if only our culture accepted nudity - none of this 'indecent exposure' type of behavior ought to be necessary. It's all unnecessary, and it shouldn't be a bad thing, but there is something disgusting in the attitude behind it, in people who do it - I don't like their attitude and their behavior. I don't have any conflict with nudists who make the transition to social nudity and are walking around in a group letting everyone see their bodies. But I dislike the behavior of someone who 'makes a big deal out of it' and does either 'indecent exposure' or 'peeping Tom' behavior. There is this feeling of shame and a feeling of 'THIS IS A HUGE BIG DEAL' instead of taking nudity for granted as a normal thing. I don't like the feeling of blowing it all out of proportion and exaggerating it to the huge big deal.
I'm rubber, you're glue - whatever feelings I feel originally came from you. I notice that I start reflecting people's repressed feelings sometimes. The 'they don't understand' in the previous paragraph, where the person does indecent exposure and feels that nobody understands him, is an example of my receiving someone else's projected repressed feeling. I find MYSELF looking at the person and thinking HE doesn't understand ME, as though I'm the person who originally felt that feeling of not being understood. I get this annoyance at the exposer for his behavior, and think to myself that he doesn't understand the universe that I live in, and how annoying it is to not be understood.
If I am unaware that I've received a projected emotion from outside myself, then I start re-reacting to this feeling, and getting myself all indignant about the fact that nobody understands me, and how misunderstood I am, and I can carry out this process of feelings as though it is my own. That happens when I have arguments with people and they have an emotional reaction, and I receive that emotion as though it is my own, and I start reacting to it and yelling back at them or whatever. You become whatever they are feeling and start feeling it yourself, so that you are no longer on your own side in the argument, and your original points are forgotten, and you might even end up arguing in favor of whatever THEY were saying.
Some people like it when you get emotionally involved and you start yelling back at them in an argument. But I don't like that. To me it's more important to understand what is going on and to know which one of us believes which belief, instead of messing it all together and not knowing who believes what and who is on which side of the argument and not caring about whether we actually know what our beliefs are.
That's why I feel the conflicting emotions with an indecent exposer. I'm a nudist!!! Why would I even CARE whether he exposes himself! And yet for some unknown reason I am feeling all these intense emotional reactions anyway, as though I'm one of those people who believes everyone should wear clothing. But that's not what I really believe! So that's a sign that I've received somebody else's projected emotions instead of my own. The emotions go directly against my own beliefs! This kind of thing happens when people do something that I don't think is wrong, but *they* think it's wrong, or they think that everybody else thinks it's wrong, but they don't want it to be wrong.
I could give an example. I like long hair on men. But I can imagine that maybe someone would have long hair, and they themselves are ashamed of it. I might look at that person, and have a strange feeling that the long hair just doesn't seem right with them. They might be thinking to themselves that they really wish they could cut their hair but they haven't been able to for some reason. I would have an uncomfortable feeling looking at that person, even though I personally believe that long hair on men is a good thing.
It's too late. I wandered way off topic.
Pee-Wee Herman: can't stand him. But this co-worker who I am fond of says that he loved the show so much that he has every episode on tape. I needed to reorganize my mental universe to accept this.
So I thought, maybe Pee-Wee is an EIE, and he is the dual of my LSI co-worker. Maybe the two of them are off together in their own little world, getting something that they need from each other psychologically, and I just can't understand it. I'll never understand what those other duals get from each other, but I know that they do get something they need, and it's a human thing to do.
(I'm having trouble with socionics because the letters E and I have two different meanings depending on which position they're in.)
That is the reason why I suddenly had sympathy for PWH and for people who loved his show. Whatever PWH was, he was some kind of a 'type.' Whatever he did on his show, it was the behavior of that particular type, and lots of people were watching that behavior, and some groups of people felt that this behavior was something they needed, because he was their dual, or some other enjoyable intertype relation. And I responded with loathing automatically because he seemed to be showing the worst-case scenario behaviors of my conflict type, the hardest type to understand, and taking those behaviors to an extreme, and exaggerating them.
By the way, I also loathe clowns, like Ronald McDonald, who make fake, exaggerated facial expressions, and wear lots of makeup, hoping that you will laugh. But I don't hate everybody who makes any facial expressions. It's only particular people. There is something about it that I can't stand, but only if it's done a certain way and exaggerated. And I like some comedians who do that, too, so sometimes I do actually laugh. I'm not sure why I sometimes like it and sometimes loathe it.
There is a particular face that I strongly dislike. It's the 'open-mouthed surprise' face that people often make at babies. They look at the baby, raise their eyebrows up very high, and open their mouth, as though 'I am suprised! Wow! Amazing! Wonderful!' This expression annoys me. Clowns make that face a lot. People make that face at the baby over and over again, hoping the baby will laugh or make a noise, and often, it does make the baby laugh. Apparently, I must have been one of those babies who doesn't laugh at that face! They would have done it until they got frustrated and annoyed with me, and then would have judged me as a 'bad baby' and given up on me.
Now that I've started this blog, I feel obligated to finish all of the topics that I wrote down. Perhaps I could just finish them with a quick small comment. I need to go eat and I need to do something besides sit at the computer writing a blog. Perhaps I should be obligated to read about 'internet addiction' every time I go online.
'Missed connections,' when you talk to somebody, and it's like they expected you to do or say something, but you did the wrong thing, and they have a hurt look afterwards, and you can't figure out what you said or did that hurt them.
The voices said that I didn't mention the 'bearded bald guy' on 10,000 BC, the movie. There was a 'bad guy' who looked like a Middle Eastern racial type. The bad guys had a variety of racial groups - they were not all exactly the same racial group - and the particular bad guy was bald and had a beard and he had one white eye that looked like it had a cataract. He had a shaved head, and a beard, which is the hairstyle that I strongly dislike. I prefer the natural bald mullet, growing the remainder of the hair long, and growing the full beard at the same time (longer than stubble length), but alas, the bald mullet is the frowned-upon, made-fun of hairstyle that our society hates.
This morning 'they' suggested that I should write a page that says 'who are "they?"' so that new readers who stumble across this blog will understand that 'they' are the voices I hear, the people who tell me to do things and give me urges.
I need to learn how to spell 'criticise.' Does it end with -ze or -se? Is it like 'circumcise?' (If I mention circumcision, I must mention that I am opposed to it.)
Ghostbusters: You can find real people online who offer the service of getting rid of ghosts. I think that these people are not intentionally fraudulent. They really believe that they are interacting with spirits, and that their methods ought to work. They are not lying on purpose, not entirely. But it would be possible to ruthlessly criticise their logic and tear them apart and call them frauds. I have a feeling that that would be an instance of criticising someone's vulnerable functions.
Criticising someone - this isn't so bad if you are able to escape from it! I complain about having conflicts with my attackers because they are something that I physically CANNOT ESCAPE FROM. I am physically forced to hear and interact with them 24 hours a day. When there is a conflict between us, the conflict is extremely severe because of my being unable to avoid them.
I should go eat.
This is internet addiction - writing very long blogs without a clear purpose in mind. I have actually done this for years long before I even used the internet - I had journal-writing addiction first. I remember, I used to spend the entire day sitting in a chair writing by hand in my spiral notebook, because it was all I could do. I would literally sit there for hours doing that. I always had a writing addiction. It happens without the internet.
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