12:35 AM 3/25/11
I'm having a bad day in terms of emotional weirdness. The drug residue reaction was giving me the usual effects of feeling extremely needy towards whoever is in the 'unattainable crush' role at the moment. This is usually helped along as 'they' fill my head with obsessions of the unattainable crush. So I was looking at RDL's websites again, as he is in the unattainable crush role at the moment. Then I was looking at friends-of-friends-of-friends websites again, people who are indirectly related to people who are indirectly related to him. I get there by clicking on the links of people who have posted comments on his blogs, and things like that.
Many of these people are religious missionaries. Several times I have been led to religious missionary blogs and other articles associated with that. Another one was about trying weird foods, which is something that I myself used to do back in the days when I was able to use the kitchen. I loved trying weird vegetables, cooking them horribly wrong, and wondering how on earth anybody could ever eat this. I saw exactly that type of behavior going on at one of the friend-of-a-friend sort of blogs associated with RDL. That was how I ended up trying to eat bone marrow after reading about it at Weston Price. That led to contaminating my whole fridge with the toxic vapors that cause vomiting. (Note: It's actually dangerous to try eating weird foreign vegetables that you don't know how to cook. Some of them are poisonous and have to be prepared a special way to destroy the poison. I think 'cassava' is the one I'm thinking of.)
Actually, I should write more articles about what happened with the bone marrow, because a lot of people finding my blog have been doing google searches about things like 'The dangers of eating bone marrow' and things like that. Apparently I am not the only person who has discovered that something horrible happens if you eat bone marrow. I should write a clear retelling of the story, and I should add the other things that I have learned since then.
People who find my blog, after searching for random miscellaneous things, must be surprised when they see that, not only am I writing about eating weird foods like bone marrow, I am also writing about electronic mind control, and hearing voices, and drug residues, and about how I always get crushes on guys who are unusually skinny, and about what happens when you stop washing and combing your hair for a few months. The word for this blog might be 'eclectic.'
But I have learned a few things after the bone marrow incident. 'They' urged me to try something, and I did. They urged me to try drinking mineral water. I had wondered if it was possible to remineralize decayed teeth by drinking mineral water. They urged me to get some of the water when I was shopping at Wegman's. I got the weirdest, worst one - the water that said 'high mineral content' and came from a naturally carbonated spring in a foreign country somewhere.
I had only just touched the bottle, and I started to get a weird, tickly sensation in my fingers, which made me suspect that something was wrong. I hadn't even opened it yet, but my fingers were already having a reaction to something.
I drank barely a sip. As the first sip went down my throat, it felt like I was having an allergic reaction, like my throat wanted to close, the way it closes when you are going into anaphylactic shock. I knew immediately that this water was undrinkable. Within a few seconds, the vomit reflex started triggering again and again. I had only taken one sip, and I am emetophobic, so I will do anything within my power to prevent myself from vomiting, even if I have to sit there swallowing and suppressing it for hours and hours until I can't suppress it anymore. So I sat there gulping and swallowing over and over again to suppress the vomit reflex. I threw all of the bottles into the trash.
There was no warning label of any kind on the bottles. There was nothing at all that would warn somebody that this water would cause vomiting. I guess you are just supposed to know that drinking mineral water causes vomiting.
Not only that, but merely opening up the bottle in my car released vapors which lingered in the car. Every time I got into the car, for several days after, I would get the vomit reflex triggered again and again merely because the bottled water had vaporized for the few seconds that I had the bottle open while struggling to drink the first sip. So I had to air out the car.
That is exactly similar to what happened during and after my eating the bone marrow. The bone marrow vaporized and filled the fridge with a 'spirit' that would trigger vomiting. Every piece of food or glass of water in the fridge was contaminated, so that it triggered the vomit reflex if I drank or ate it. I had to throw away everything in there and the fridge still has the vapors in it. I stopped trying to use the fridge, and I bought myself a little small fridge like the one I had in my college dorm room.
The same thing happens when there is spilled blood. Blood releases a vapor that will trigger nearby people to do one of several possible things: 1. pass out, 2. vomit. This is NOT a 'psychological' response to the 'fear' of blood. It is a direct, physical response to a vapor released by blood. I know this. I saw a woman at Weis who had fallen on the floor and her head was bleeding heavily all over the floor - she was an old woman and I would bet $100 that she was on anticoagulant drugs, and that was why she was bleeding. My grandmother died that way, because of anticoagulants, when she fell and hit her head. I walked near this woman and I sensed the vapor immediately, and I lost control of my body and I almost fell down on the floor and almost passed out. It was involuntary and it had nothing to do with 'fear' or 'something psychological.' I do not have any kind of fear, phobia, or disgust associated with blood. There was a vapor that commanded all of my muscles to involuntarily collapse and that commanded my brain to black out.
I don't know whether this vapor is a hormone, a pheromone, a mineral, or what. I connected it with the bone marrow and the mineral water because they have the same sort of effects. It could be a mineral ion. It might be a calcium ion. Calcium can cause vomiting. It is an electrolyte. It directly commands the body to do something. It directly acts upon the nerves and sends an electrical signal. This is all theoretical - I don't know enough to prove that this theory is true. I only know what I observe, and I know what 'they' told me, which is, they suggested to me that calcium is what causes it with the bone marrow and the mineral water. I'm not sure if calcium is what's causing it with spilled blood.
This is also similar to the smell of fear. I have written several times about the smell of fear, about how I recognize that the fear is not my own, about how I separate myself from it, and how Roger Callahan's Thought Field Therapy tapping works very well to help me remain calm in spite of the fear smell. (And someone else stole Thought Field Therapy and published it for free, and renamed it 'Emotional Freedom Techniques,' because they didn't like it that Callahan requires people to buy his videotapes in order to find out where the tapping locations are. I heard about Callahan, and also about Judith Swack, on Nathaniel Branden's website, years and years ago. I did actually buy several of Callahan's tapes, and taught myself the tapping, but I always improvise and I tap in random order. I don't have any particular sequence for the tapping - I just tap whatever feels good. I think that there are actually a large number of possible tapping points, if you looked at an acupuncture meridian chart, but Callahan picked out points that were especially useful or important. I think Callahan got it from Applied Kinesiology if I recall. And on a totally different but similar subject, RDL had an article on the socionics.us site about how introverted sensing is associated with the ability to create pleasant experiences. Yes, people on the forums mentioned several times about how great it is to date an ISTP female, and I know for a fact that the rumors about ISTP females are true. Back on the discussion of acupuncture, I will say that it must have been introverted sensing that discovered the acupuncture meridians the first time, thousands of years ago, as some person sat there and painstakingly touched every single square inch of skin on their body and then followed the line to the next spot while observing the sensations of energy flow - either that, or the ancient Chinese people already had invented electricity, and they were giving people electrical shocks on their meridians or something. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that the Chinese already had electricity thousands of years ago. Am I still inside the parentheses?)
Now that I have broken free of the parentheses, where was I?
I should wash off the drug residue before going to bed. That McD uniform will have to be rewashed several times and I might need to buy a new one, because the reaction is pretty bad. I have been extremely weird all day long. I am having the shame-and-fear type of anxiety attacks too, which is what I was originally writing about.
I followed some of the blog links to missionary websites, and saw, once again, happy, healthy, normal, high-functioning people writing their nice, neat, normal blogs, and compared it to my own clusterf*ck blog where some of the posts have tags, some of them don't, and this happens pretty much at random depending on whether I'm in the mood to tag them or not, and I'm writing about an eclectic group of bizarre topics that lead some unfortunate people to stumble upon my blog while trying to find out what Justin Bieber did to his hair, or how exactly Yulia Tymoshenko wraps that braid over her head and whether or not that braid is fake, since her hair isn't that long - only to discover that I am not a normal blogger writing about healthy, happy things, but instead, I am a rather dark and unhappy weirdo who spends way too much time typing at the computer, because I enjoy the sensation of typing and because I have such severe chronic fatigue that I can't do much else besides that. So I was ashamed and humiliated looking at those other normal people's blogs, realizing that I don't fit in anywhere in RDL's life, at all.
'They' keep urging me to send another email to RDL again, but haven't decided what exactly it is that I am going to say to him or ask him. They also tried to urge me to give him a friend request on facebook. It's true, I used to be friends with Mike Gogulski on facebook, because I found nostate.com while I was reading FSK's Guide To Reality, and if I can be facebook friends with Mike Gogulski, then technically it should be okay for me to be friends with RDL too. They're almost the same. Both of them are expatriates who don't like a lot of things about American society and who are blogging about it. Technically, yes, but it doesn't feel the same. I didn't have a crush on MG. I just liked his blog.
I don't trust myself to be facebook friends with RDL, because I will want to make inappropriately intimate comments as though I actually 'know' him when in fact I am just another reader of his websites and I am Adoring Fan #Whatever amongst all his other adoring fans, and I am not somehow a different or special person who somehow understands and appreciates RDL better than anyone else does, as though he is my own amazing discovery and nobody else has ever found him before I did. It might have been different before he was married, but he is married now, so somebody else has already found him and appreciated him. And they didn't meet each other on facebook, as far as I know.
So I would be competing against all of his other facebook friends, trying to make myself look smarter and weirder than they are, and say something that nobody else has ever said before, and tell them all something that nobody else has ever told them before, so that I can say that I am more special than they are and better than they are and that he needs me more than he needs any of them. Meanwhile, in the real world, I will still be sitting here alone in my toxic apartment with my chronic fatigue and my minimum-wage job and my drug-residue-contaminated belongings that have to be cleaned or thrown away, and my electronic harassment attacks 24 hours a day, spending too much time typing blogs on the computer, instead of living life, here on the other side of the ocean where I have no chance whatsoever to actually see RDL in person. (I've been disconnected from the internet before. I can do it again. Maybe RDL should tell me, 'Nicole, I'll be friends with you on one condition: you have to disconnect from the internet.')
I especially don't trust myself to be facebook friends with him if (as 'they' pointed out to me) he might possibly have a phone number or something in his contact information. What if I was tempted to call that number? That never occurred to me, but 'they' suggested it to me earlier today and I reacted by feeling horrified, mortified, and overexcited at the same time. Calling him on the phone is unthinkable. It might be helpful, to give me a more realistic sense of who he is, so that I can get rid of the larger-than-life Internet Celebrity fantasy image, so I can see him as a real person. Hopefully, he would do something stupid that would annoy me and irritate me so much that I would dislike him (I can't imagine what that could possibly be, though), and I would stop having a crush on him. (He could annoy me by calling me on the phone at all hours of the day and night wanting to talk about things while I was trying to sleep. LMAO. Then he would stop being an unattainable crush and would instead become an unavoidable nuisance.) Then I would go on with my normal life, except I would then have to find somebody else to occupy the 'unattainable skinny guy who already has a girlfriend/wife' crush role.
I think I should finish this up and post it. I'm sure I've probably forgotten an unfinished tangent and there are probably two or three unclosed parentheses up there somewhere. It's not a C++ program, I can't compile it and look for open parentheses or unfinished tangents. I have to reread it manually.
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