i don't even exist yet

1:27 PM 3/9/11

Well, here we go again. I still have a few more minutes before I have to leave for work. I said that I don't see myself planning a trip to Ukraine. But that isn't an absolute no. It depends on a couple of things.

First, he hasn't even acknowledged that I exist yet. I don't know how he is reacting to me all those miles away on the other side of a computer on the other side of an ocean. We have never actually written to each other interactively.

Second, I don't know how badly he would even want to see me. This is a 'squeaky wheel gets the grease' scenario. If he begged me over and over again to go visit him, and pestered me about it night and day, and - I'm laughing now. Then I might try to find a way to get there. So it is theoretically possible that if I knew I was wanted, I could find a way. It would take time and planning and money.

I don't have any money. I have barely enough to get by. 'They' don't allow me to save money for future use: they deliberately destroy all of the 'extra' money that I earn during times when I am making more money by working two jobs or whatever. It's not me, it really is them, because of the forced urges that they give me. Preventing me from leaving the country is actually probably one of the things they are trying to do. I was planning to leave the country and get rid of my social security number, back when I was being harassed over the computer. (I am still being harassed over the computer, but that's nothing compared to being physically attacked.) So I imagine it would not be easy for me to make a plan and then deliberately save money with the intention of leaving the country.

Meanwhile, what does his wife think about some random lady from the USA having a crush on him and going over there to visit him? I don't want to destroy what they have. And I am not just 'some random lady.' I am 'some random lady with weird beliefs about people reading her mind and controlling her.' Having that kind of person come over for a friendly visit is actually kind of a scary idea.