Awake again, again. Hearing voices. A really complex system of thousands of subtypes. My crush.

3:54 AM 4/9/11

I am awake at a time when I don't really want to be awake, as usual. It's been worse than usual the past few days. (I tried to title this Notepad file 'Awake again.txt,' but that file already existed. Apparently this has happened before. So I titled it 'Awake again, again.txt.')

In the world of a person who hears voices: Hearing voices in your head is actually much more common than many people think it is. Most of the time, we don't talk about it if it happens. Obviously, I cope with it by complaining about it in my blog. There was actually a 'hearing voices movement' that I read about on the net, a social movement that wanted to de-stigmatize the phenomenon of hearing voices, so that people would not be automatically thrown into mental hospitals and drugged if they talked about this happening to them.

With me, it happens every day, and I have conversations with them. Sometimes I have fights with them, especially if I am using particular drugs such as St. John's Wort, which I don't use anymore except in emergencies such as sudden job losses, where I have to react quickly and force myself to go job hunting again, which is almost impossible for me to do. The rest of the time, I'm not actually using the drug on purpose - I am having chemical sensitivity reactions to the residues of the herbs that I grew in my other apartment.

There's a lady named Lizzie, and everyone knows her. She used to come into Weis and she comes into McDonald's too. She hangs out for hours, talking loudly to herself as she walks around. She scares some people. There really is something wrong with her, and I don't know what it is. She has very little control over her social behavior or her tone of voice, so sometimes she's talking and she'll suddenly shout loudly and unexpectedly. I'm glad I'm not as bad off as she is. I feel sorry for her.

My conflicts and misunderstandings with other people happen whenever we try to talk about what is CAUSING me to hear voices. I believe it is caused by something different from what most other people believe is causing it. So I usually don't try to argue with people about what's causing it and what needs to be done about it. In the future, I will do experiments to try to solve the problem myself, my own way. I will observe what happens - do the voices stop, do they continue to happen, do they get quieter at the very least?

I have some conversations with them where I get a lot of ideas. Tonight we were talking about the enneagram and how there's something wrong with it. I remembered in one of the books that, in addition to the three centers - head, heart, and body/gut/instinctive (whatever they call it) - there was some kind of 'higher center.' I don't remember the name of that either. It was one of those things they briefly mentioned with a tone of 'this isn't really important, don't worry about it, forget we said anything.' I think that the 'higher consciousness' center might suggest the 'Intuition Center.'

This got very complicated. You might think at first that this would cause the enneagram to get sixteen types and we might be able to match it up to socionics and the Jungian types. But, oh no, nothing can ever be that easy. I started looking at 'the scrambling of the centers.' There is this concept in the enneagram books that says, several of the centers tend to 'scramble' or somehow work together at the same time.

I started wondering about the T-F scramble, which is in the Withdrawn personality types (Four, Five, and Nine). If your decisive functions are scrambling together, it might make you indecisive, so you sit there doing nothing, which is, in fact, what withdrawn types are known for. It sounds like an 'irrational' type. So I wondered, what if there was a scrambling of the irrational centers? The movement center and the intuition center (which I added) would scramble, so that someone's perceiving functions were scrambled, being used at the same time somehow, in such a way that they couldn't really perceive anything very well. Instead, they would just sit there, constantly judging things. That sounds like a 'rational' type.

In the book, there are these little U-shaped lines drawn over the letters T, F, and M, and sometimes, one of the letters has a box drawn around it (for types Three, Six, and Nine). We would have to add 'I' to those letters for the intuition center.

Anyway, I still wasn't satisfied that irrationals (and ONLY irrationals) became types 4, 5, and 9, because I remembered the little book, the tiny little yellow book which is like half an inch thick. It's in my boxes somewhere in the storage unit. In that book they had a chart, and in the chart it showed the Myers-Briggs types that tended to correlate with the enneagram types. It was not viewed as a one-to-one correspondence where only one MB type becomes only one enneagram type. Instead, many different MB types could become a particular enneagram type, but not all of them TENDED to do so. So from the beginning, I have viewed the enneagram as being something which can vaguely correlate some of the MB types with some of the enneagram types, instead of viewing them as having a one-to-one relationship (like saying, all Nines are SLI's and SLI's can only be Nines). I said instead that SLI's might fall into a variety of different enneagram types, but they are very unlikely to go to particular types (like Two). I'm sort of changing my mind about this, strangely enough.

Anyway, in that little chart, they did show some rational Jungian types in the withdrawn enneagram types. Like, an ISFJ might become a Type Four. So how would an ISFJ have a scrambling of the head and heart centers? What would that look like? How would you write it out symbolically? How would you model it?

I was wondering about all the various ways that 'scrambling' could occur between all of the socionics functions, if you treated those functions as being like the 'centers' that were scrambled in the enneagram. You would want to define what exactly the word 'scrambling' is referring to.

Of course, after getting into all this, I wanted to add that I'm also interested in the Ichazo's instinctual subtypes described at http://www.ocean-moonshine.net/e142857369/. So I'd want to somehow throw those into the list of things that can be scrambled. And now that I'm here, I'll mention that... I still can't say his name. Um, that somebody somewhere has described differences between people with different body types, like ectomorph, mesomorph, and endomorph.

This whole line of thought became very complicated and it looked like there were going to be hundreds and hundreds of subtypes. Maybe thousands. There would be so many subtypes, it wouldn't be very useful or easy to remember. I can't even remember all the details of it. I started writing out some of it on paper, and saw that there were going to be a large number of potential combinations, but I didn't write them all out. I also had a feeling that there were WAYS of combining them which were different.

Then I started thinking of the acupuncture meridians, and how each acupuncture meridian might represent a different 'center.' So there would be hundreds of centers.

You might also look at each particular way of sensing, in the body, and put it under the category of 'introverted sensing,' and yes, there would be lots of different details under all the other functions too, not just introverted sensing. Most people were taught in elementary school that we have five, and only five, senses, and then later on they hear that some people are 'psychic' and they have a 'sixth sense,' but that still isn't enough for me.

There are all different kinds of senses, not just seeing, hearing, touch, taste, and smell. You can sense the position of your joints and limbs, and there's actually a technical word for that sense - kinesthetic sense maybe? I think Howard Gardner wrote about that while describing the types of intelligence. You can sense the pain and other sensations in your internal organs. You can sense the pulse of your blood. You can sense your mood. There are so many different things you can sense. I don't like to categorize all of that under 'touch,' which is what I assume it would officially be categorized under. It isn't just 'touch.' If you wanted to be really general, you could call it 'internal sense' or something.

Anyway these combinations and subtypes were all an attempt to explain why it is that people who have the same sociotype can have a different feel or style or overall mood to them than others of the same sociotype.

I'm actually not all that worried about this. It was an idle thought process.

As for not being able to say someone's name, that's because I don't want to admit that I have any connection with him. Maybe this is just a temporary little obsession that will go away whenever I find my own reincarnation of him in the real world. I won't have to go reading through all his web pages looking for bits of info about his personal life and photographs and all that. Maybe after a few more weeks of reading him, maybe after a few more direct interactions with him, the novelty will wear off and I will get used to him. Maybe he will write his autobiography, which I would love to read. It doesn't even have to be a book about socionics. The autobiography would be interesting simply because of the kind of life he lives. I imagine he has enough devotees in the forum that he could find other people who would read it besides me.

The extreme clinginess feeling is always associated with drug residue reactions, too, which make me extra-friendly and needy and desperate. When I'm having a reaction, I feel like I desperately need this particular person, whoever it is (depending on whoever I have a crush on at the time), and that nothing else on earth matters but that.

What he means to me at this time in my life: He's done a few things that I would like to do. I've wondered about moving back to West Virginia, or maybe going someplace else. He has really done that, gone to foreign countries. It makes me feel like I CAN go somewhere if I'm ready to. He has also worked under-the-table, which is something I have wanted to learn how to do - I've wanted to start my own business doing something small, and it didn't have to be much - I just wanted to do my own thing informally. I can look at him and see that someone else is doing that and has done that.

He wrote a blog about how hard it is to get the official government paperwork allowing you to work in Ukraine, and how it took months and months of going through 'the nine levels of hell' to get permission for his wife to work there - only to find that all the paperwork would have to be renewed again next year! and how, when you're doing paperwork there, you give it to someone and they'll say something like, 'This has a square stamp on it. You need a rectangular stamp. Take this back to Person X and get a rectangular stamp and bring it back to me.' So it was easier to just work informally instead of getting the paperwork. The blog is at http://tryukraine.blogspot.com/, and the rest of the website is http://www.tryukraine.com/.

Thank goodness, that particular Blogger template is one of the ones that mysteriously won't work in my browser - I can read it, but I can't push the 'comment' button - so I'm not able to leave comments there unless I do it from another computer (or send him the comments in email, which is what I did one time, which is awkward and embarrassing and a nuisance, since a comment is supposed to be a way of avoiding direct interaction, and just leaving something there that will be sort of ignored, and I can walk away and pretend I didn't say that.). That's a good thing that I can't comment, because I am trying VERY HARD to restrain myself and *NOT* leave comments all over his web pages, and *NOT* send him several emails every day, and not make a facebook friend request and then put long comments on all his facebook conversations, and look and see if his phone number is listed in his personal information, and call him on the phone and find out how it feels to talk to him - not too much interaction, not too much of a bombardment, just a little bit. I am starving for someone to talk to, and I have an enormous amount of energy that could all be directed at him. He simply doesn't have enough time in his day to write dozens of responses to everything I say. Woe to whoever it is that I get a crush on, and right now, that happens to be him.

He has actually been amazingly nice to me so far. I don't want to ruin it. It's this type of behavior which is one of the reasons why I need to get disconnected from the net. I prepaid it at least a month in advance, so I still have a few more weeks before copper.net starts emailing me and telling me I haven't paid. Then I'll email them back and say, sorry, it's nothing personal, I'm just having a problem with internet addiction and I'm trying to disconnect and get back to real life. Then I won't be able to write six or seven blog posts every day, and send random emails on impulse to my crush, and surf the net instead of dealing with real-life problems and goals, and do all of the other things that I do on the net. It's a huge amount of time. The time goes by, more and more and more.