This username is unique.

Nobody can accidentally stumble across my blog while google searching for some OTHER 'retmeishka.'  As far as I know, there is no other retmeishka on google except me.  That was the point of creating that word.  It doesn't refer to anything else on earth except this.

People are wondering who it was that decided to come into the forum out of nowhere and go directly up to 'Richard' and confront him about when he's having children.  Some strange and unknown person with an unfamiliar name - what is that name?  Has anyone ever heard that name before?  Yes, there's this blog, and it has hundreds and hundreds of posts, and it's been around for years, and it's some lady complaining about how her life sucks.  She lives in some strange, mysterious little fantasy world, and for some reason she decided to go after this one particular guy on this one particular forum, and declare her devoted crush in front of hundreds of people.

Will the crush fade away after a while?  Maybe.  I won't be using the internet from home, as in a few weeks, I will be getting disconnected, and will have to use the net from the library and on wi-fi.  I simply won't have as many opportunities to go online and send him emails, blog comments, or forum confrontations.

I just noticed the other day that the comments I left on his blog disappeared.  I never thought to check whether they were actually appearing.  It always gave me a message saying that the comment would appear in a few minutes, and I always went away and forgot about it.  When I saw that all the comments were gone, when I was sure of it, when I did a site search for my username and didn't find it, I got very, very angry for a few seconds.  It was strange to feel angry at someone.  I haven't felt hurt or angry in a long, long time.  I haven't cared about anything or anyone enough to actually feel strong emotions like pain and anger.  I guess I got hurt and angry with Curtis sometimes, but that was different.  The particular feeling of anger was different.

When I recall the anger, it triggers numbness, automatically.  I have an internal shutdown switch on the emotion of anger.  It takes a lot of effort to make me feel anger and to make me express it.

There are also fake feelings that are triggered by attacks, and whenever I name or acknowledge or internally talk about those particular feelings, 'they' usually stop the attack.  If an emotion disappears suddenly merely because you used *VERBAL*, logical reasoning against the emotion, then, for me personally, that is a sign that the emotion was never real to begin with.  The artificial feeling that they were forcing me to feel, this evening, was a feeling of being ridiculous, inferior, stupid, pathetic, and other negative things, and as soon as I noticed that that feeling was there, as soon as I paid attention to it, it suddenly disappeared.  I didn't pay attention to it of my own free will - I was attacked and forced to suddenly pay attention to the feeling, and was forced to suddenly understand that the feeling was fake.  That is the type of thing that they do.

I say that 'Richard' is pessimistic about the future - but I myself have knowledge about dark and evil things that should not exist, but they do.  That awareness gives me a sort of pessimism and cynicism too.  I know something that other people do not know.  I know that there is an evil in the world causing pain and suffering, I know that it has not been acknowledged by the mainstream media, I know that mainstream society is doing nothing to deal with the problem, and so I see a dark future where electronic harassment and mind control continue to torture people and destroy lives, although I see that there will be a slow, tiny, gradual increase in the number of people who are aware of the existence of radio frequency weapons and other devices used to do these things.   I don't know if they will develop countermeasures that I can afford, cheap shielded areas that an ordinary person can purchase, in the next few decades.

So in that way, I myself also have a pessimistic view of the future.