The strange and frightening fantasy world that I live in, and the real world.

10:51 PM 4/5/11

When I love someone it means that I let them see the strangeness of my inner world. I have always had a strange inner life for as long as I can remember. I wrote fantasy stories and I played out pretend story plotlines and had imaginary friends when I was young. I have also had variable moods and outbursts of weird behavior for a very long time, since I was a teenager. It has been a long time since I let anyone in to see this with me. My best friend Rachael, a dual, separated from me around the time when I dropped out of college, and that's a long story which I have mentioned several times in my blog. She was the last person who saw my inner fantasy world.

Now as an adult I learned things that convinced me that some of the fantasy stories are true. But it scares people to get lost too deeply in them. The real world is real. When I talk about mind control, I still believe that the world around me is real. These objects that I see in front of me are really here.

Mind control isn't creating a visual image of a fake world that I'm walking through. Instead, whatever it is, whether it is accidental or deliberate, this constant attack that I experience makes me less able to function, less able to understand the world, and less able to express myself. I am functioning at a much lower level than I should. It is more mundane and less terrifying than you might think. I don't want anyone to be terrified about it. It is just something bad that somebody somewhere is doing, and we need to do something about it, and we have our own plans and strategies for how to cope with it, and these are ordinary, mundane, realistic plans and strategies, for instance, to build physical shields and then find out whether it's helpful to block out electromagnetic background noise. That is an ordinary and mundane thing to do.

However, in my mind, the fantasy stories still go on, and the fantasy characters still talk to each other, and they take the names and characters from books that I've read, as they like those people's personas. Those personas are like forum avatars to them. They like to see themselves as being that character.

As I really am having a reaction to St. John's Wort, it will be helpful that I have patched up a big source of the drug residue and will stop reacting to it, for the most part, over the next few weeks, and I will seem more like a normal person again. But trusting someone enough to let them into my mental world - THAT might make me act strange for a while.