brain burn; superfluous

5:49 AM 4/30/11

They woke me up much earlier than I need to be awake.

I can feel 'brain burn' again. Using wi-fi to upload videos from my netbook is not going to be done very often. The netbook emits radio while sending out the videos, and if I am sitting right next to it, then it does something that affects my brain for hours. So I woke up with brain burn this morning. It wasn't as bad as the first time I uploaded videos a few weeks ago. I think I was sitting there with it a lot longer. This time I went to Barnes & Noble, and each video took only a few minutes to upload, because for whatever reason, it is faster there.

Being a targeted individual changes my personality. I 'get the idea' to 'do something' because that idea is planted in my head. I also cannot motivate myself in the way that I used to do. I used to sit there and meditate about something, and I would look into the future and see what would happen if I did nothing. And that would motivate me to change what I was doing. I cannot do anything like that at all anymore.

One of the paper ads I would like to write is an ad for people to get together and talk about electronic harassment. I don't want to merely 'talk about it' like a support group. I don't want to merely sit there and complain to each other. Instead, I have some specific ideas of things that I would like to do. I want several different people researching it, and we can divide up who does what. I also want us to all make observations and keep them written down somewhere, like 'It's worst when I'm doing this or that, but it seems to get better when, whatever.'

We would also record geographic locations where the harassment and the electrosensitivity were least severe - Rick says that when he goes into the mountains, the 'low level background anxiety' quiets down, or something. This is partly because of the negative ions in the air, but also, it might be because there is less radio. I would have to ask him for specific details as to exactly what he means, but I can't remember which one of his pages I read it on. And 'asking him' something is no use, as he is not speaking to me. Or rather, he said that he wouldn't be reading my letters and he wouldn't be replying to them. There are a few things that I've seen and remembered and can't really find again. The beautiful photo of him that I want to find, I didn't see again when I went looking, but that's because he has a couple of pages where it's filled with a WHOLE BUNCH of photos and this doesn't work out well on dialup unless I tell Opera to show no images at all, and then individually click on each one and tell it to reload one image at a time. If I let it load all of them simultaneously, then for whatever reason, it takes an hour and still only a few have appeared.

About the way I look: I put the videos up to show the harsh and unpleasant reality of my extremely primitive, ascetic, natural grooming. 'Looking pretty' is not the purpose of this, not in the usual way of looking pretty. I am meant to look primitive. And anyone else can interpret it however they want to, for instance, people might like the idea of not using any chemical shampoos. But no, it is not pleasant or attractive in the way people are used to.

When I talked on the phone briefly with dad the other day, he said he was 'just getting old.' I need to set up another vacation and go visit them, but I mostly need to set up a vacation so that I can do my projects of cleaning things up and getting rid of stuff.

I finally got my comments to appear on Rick's blog, but I can't do it from home - for whatever reason, whether it's my browser or what, there is some problem when I try to use my computer and my browser, and my comments appear intermittently and then disappear. I can get them to appear, and stay there, if I use other computers. This would be a low priority thing to do, except for the moods. The goal to achieve is vague and undefined. Am I trying to achieve a real world friendship? Am I trying to be his second wife and have his children?

Mostly, I write to him because 'they' are giving me delusional beliefs about him actually wanting to read what I say. I call that delusional because... I'm accustomed to nobody giving a shit what I say, I guess. I would expound upon every line of some of his blogs if I were in the mood to do that. I look at them, sometimes just glancing over them, other times seeing a hundred different words and ideas that trigger memories, thoughts, arguments, and things I wanted to tell someone.

Often when I tell him things I find out he already knows about them. Which author was it that described that experience? Oh, I remember - Harry Browne. There was someone who admired Harry Browne, and it might have been Carla Howell and Michael Cloud, or it might have been someone else, I forget. They wrote about how, when they finally met and spoke to HB, they started telling him all these things that he should change and all these new ideas for things he ought to do, as though he was their own personal slave who existed for the purpose of taking their clueless newbie advice and doing everything they said. Meanwhile, they were telling him things he already knew and had known about for years, or things he disagreed with and had good reasons for disagreeing with. And they laughed about that incident later - remember when I met you for the first time and I told you that you should be doing A, B, C, and D instead of what you were doing?

I am having exactly that kind of reaction to Rick. Often, when I go through his blogs, I see that he's already talked about some idea that I wanted to mention, in an earlier blog. Mostly, I am superfluous. He needs a cook. That's about all. I can't cook for him over the net, and I have some issues with cooking, but not because I don't want to. It's a long story. He doesn't 'need' someone to write comments on his blogs. That is just another blog commenter saying something slightly different from what ten other people have already said, or writing a longer and more personal comment than they did, or mentioning some random detail which turns out to be not all that useful or relevant. So 'they' give me the delusion that he actually cares about receiving my blog comments, and they have been urging me to write more of them. I complain about his wife, I complain about how stupid she is, I make fun of every little comment she ever made on facebook or elsewhere in her blogs, and I say she's there to do three things: feed, fuck, and follow. All she has to do is cook, provide sex, and follow him when he goes hiking. And he's perfectly content with that, which is why I'm superfluous, and why my emails and blog comments are just going to be ignored. (Note, when I say 'I complain about her,' I don't mean that I'm writing emails to Rick complaining about her. Those complaints are in my mind whenever 'they' are forcing me to think about her. In reality, I just don't think about her. This entire situation is fake, and in the real world, I wouldn't be spending much time at all thinking about him or his wife.)

After reading his socionist blog I was thinking about what it is about myself that I think is the biggest 'problem' with my personality. I think that being an irrational type causes me the most conflict with the world. It is hard for me to 'get stuff done' as much as this particular society demands, in the particular ways they demand it, and I can only do something if it's urgent and some terrible thing will happen if I don't do it.

However, my personality is so severely distorted and disturbed by the attacks that I actually don't know what I would be like if I were not being constantly bombarded with delusional ideas and desires and being woken up after only a couple hours of sleep each night. But I won't go into complaining about that right now.