I'm not going to act like a cutesy little child.

10:43 PM 4/25/11

So, there was a puppet incident tonight. The bookkeeping guy emailed me and wanted me to call him tonight around 8:00 and I emailed back and said I would try. Then, I was 'thinking to myself,' quote unquote, about how 'funny' it would be if McDonald's got three buses full of US Senators (this is what I was imagining) during the time when I had to make my phone call. I was planning to take a quick break from work during that time, as we usually aren't too busy right then, and I knew I'd be able to take a few minutes for a phone call, as that's something I don't normally do, and they would understand. So I was assuming it wouldn't be too busy at 8:00 PM.

Well, we really did get a bus, just a couple minutes before I was getting ready to take my quick break to make the phone call. It was a bus full of 'hot, illegal teenage boys.' I'm not sure who they were or what they were doing. They were teenage boys, probably some kind of sports team, and it looked like they were all boys and no girls. They didn't look like the yucky 'jock' type of sports team though. They didn't seem like a football team. They also didn't seem to be wearing uniforms, although I only got a few glances at them, as I spent most of the time in the kitchen and I couldn't really see them. Some of them were just wearing normal clothes.

But the 'joke' was that I would have to choose between frantically helping out in the kitchen, as I would suddenly be desperately needed, right at the moment when I was supposed to take a break and make the phone call. So I made a quick call on the cell phone and asked the guy if I could call him back in a few minutes, as we had just gotten a bus full of people. He said that was okay.

Eventually, after we had gotten through the bus, I did call him back. It seems like just the kind of job I am looking for. I will recognize the 'job cluster' more easily in the future. It was like this: an entrepreneur is starting a new business, and he's gotten overwhelmed because he has too many customers and too much work to do, and he's making lots of money, and he's getting this big, messy pile of paperwork and receipts and money that he needs to keep track of, and it's getting backlogged, and he's too exhausted every day when he gets done actually DOING the work that he does for his business, and so he isn't able to focus on the side jobs, like paperwork, associated with the business. That's the pattern to look for. I will probably hear that exact same pattern again and again from anyone who contacts me asking for help. I started a business, and, man, I thought it would be really hard to start up a business, but all of a sudden, I'm a millionaire, and I have so much work to do that I can't do all the paperwork - please help!

(*Rick said in an email to me that my description of his relationship with his wife was inaccurate and insulting. Everything that I've written here is based on unpleasant past experiences that I myself have had where I have been in relationships with people who wanted me to play the role of a child while they played a paternalistic role. I haven't seen Rick and his wife interacting in the real world. So, take everything I said here to be imaginary and wrong.*)

The 'hot, illegal teenage boys' connected with Rick, as I have noticed that his wife has the 'cutesy' behavior which I can't stand. And Rick himself prefers to take a paternalistic role. He wants to be the person who teaches the other, but he does not want anyone to teach ANYTHING to him, ESPECIALLY not a woman, his inferior. His wife is, or was for a while, dependent and helpless, as he was the only one who could speak the language really well, and she needed him to get everything for her, and she needed him to take her places when she went out - she couldn't go out alone. This is the type of situation he likes to be in. She worries that she's a burden on him, but he likes to have someone who depends on him in a childlike way. And her way of talking is extremely annoying to me, as I read some of her comments - 'I feel so poopy about my dumb computer :( .' You will never, ever catch me saying that I feel 'so poopy' about my 'dumb' anything. She does the childish cutesy thing, and that would be the reason why he likes her. Again, as usual, I'm attracted to intelligent (*epithet - I edited this out*) who can't stand me because I'm too old, too strong, and too smart for them, and I refuse to act like I'm inferior. I can't tolerate any relationship where I am expected to act like a cutesy little child, an inferior, someone dependent who has to be protected by the other.

I want someone who respects my competence and my intelligence. I want someone who takes me seriously. I want someone who doesn't expect me to act like a cutesy little child to be patted on the head in a condescending way. That cutesy little child is the type of woman that Rick is attracted to, and that is why he married the woman he married. She doesn't mind being a passive, helpless, dependent little follower without any initiative of her own.

I want someone who can see me for who I am. I am bitter and harsh because I am living in a terrible situation that I must endure day after day. I would be happy and playful if only my mind were not under constant attack 24 hours a day by unknown people. I would be happy if I could sleep at night without being interrupted and without being forced to have fake dreams, if I could think any thought of my own without being forced, if I could feel any feeling of my own, initiate any plans or ideas, desire anything on my own.

I want someone who respects me. I want someone who sees through me. I want someone who sees what is inside me that has been quietly suppressed all these years.

I sent Rick a couple more emails. I seriously doubt that I will get any reply. They are either being intercepted or ignored. Oh well.