The insanely stupid ideas they give me; he will not change anything at all

7:10 PM 4/23/11

I am in the middle of a crisis, and I know perfectly well the things I need to do to get a job quickly and effectively. However, 'they' decided to 'give me the idea' to start trying to focus on getting a bookkeeping job now - starting my own business - right at the worst possible moment, when I am totally insecure and don't have any money. Starting a business takes a long time. I *KNOW* that I cannot do this now. However, they planted this insane idea in my head that now is the time to do it, and I can't un-plant that insanely stupid idea and go back to the original plan. When I think about plans and time and goals, I get zapped and attacked with extremely severe bombardments. I have to do exactly whatever insane stupid idea they force me to do, and nothing else but that insanely stupid idea.

I am getting angry about this right now because my job interview at the one place is being postponed and rescheduled, which means I will go even longer without a second job. I don't have money and will have to get money from mom and dad, which means wasting and destroying their retirement money uselessly, which I do not want to do and which is not my fault. I took a nap and when I woke up 'they' were talking to me about the insane stupid ideas that had been planted in my head to try some kind of crazy project that wouldn't work, which I know from the beginning won't work, and they brainwash me to do it anyway.

I have other examples. Know why I moved to Bellefonte? Well, I had to leave the other apartment because my landlord was basically evicting me for all the problems I was having - long story. I should have gone to someplace else in State College, which was my own plan. However 'they' decided it would be a good idea for me to move close to Peter in Bellefonte so that I could be more a part of his life. This was not my idea. Now I am miles and miles away from my jobs and my car is about to break down and/or have an expired sticker. I really am having problems with my car.

The other insanely stupid ideas that they try to do are: they try to force me to bond with some particular person and make some kind of a deal with them. They forced me to keep going after Curtis even though I knew perfectly well that Curtis did not want to be with me. Now they are forcing me to do something insane with Rick, and this is NOT my idea. They keep giving me these fake, delusional ideas that Rick actually secretly likes me, and they keep telling me he was 'only joking' whenever he said something that hurt me, and that I'm not supposed to take him seriously, and they keep trying to twist his words around, and whenever I try to point out to them that he is being deadly serious about it and he is NOT JOKING, still, I fall asleep, and when I wake up, they have put the idea back in my head that Rick thinks everything I'm doing is 'cute' and 'charming' somehow and he's secretly watching me and loving me, but when he talks to me he's telling me to give him his space and not to get personal with him - oh, but he doesn't really MEAN it. And I, the real me, I myself know perfectly well that he DOES mean it. He is trying to protect his marriage and his reputation, and if he talks to me the wrong way, it can be viewed as encouraging me, and he can be blamed for that. These are things that I myself know.

I myself know exactly what will happen with me and Rick. Here is what will happen. Rick will make me cry several more times. He is going to be ruthless towards me because, as I said, he is protecting his marriage and his reputation. I really did cry. I was at work. I usually know NOT to look at Rick's replies while I'm at work, because I know to expect that there is going to be hurtful coldness as he tries to protect himself. But that day, I did look at his reply and I got hurt. I started crying but I was able to suppress it. I had to suppress the crying for quite a while, like an hour, and it kept coming back. I was in a very bad mood for the rest of the evening, very sad and depressed.

So, not only will he make me cry several more times, he will be even more ruthless, cold, and cruel in his unfriendliness and his self-defense than he already was to me. In addition to that, he will not do any of the things that I sincerely, seriously am asking him to do with his websites to discourage people like myself from combing through them for personal information. He won't even go so far as to make his facebook page private, and THAT is a relatively simple, easy, mainstream thing to do, which is being recommended by large numbers of other people, not just me - and he STILL won't do it. He will simply not want to do anything at all, merely because of the fact that *I* am the person who told him to do it.

And about Peak Oil: After arguing with me, he will believe in Peak Oil more strongly and fervently than he ever did before in his life. He will forever associate the anti-Peak-Oil belief system with people who are personally attacking him and threatening his family and his reputation. 'Hostile forces' and 'Anti-Peak Oil' will forever be connected together in his memory, so in order to be with the 'good guys,' he will continue even more strongly to believe that Peak Oil is real, because 'the enemies' believe in anti-Peak Oil.

And it won't make much difference, because his vision of the world is accurate and perceptive, and he is making realistic decisions using only his own perception of the world - the 'peak oil' is, as I said, a background belief which has little or no effect on his perception, even though he thinks it does. He actually is making wise lifestyle decisions, and his wise decisions have nothing to do with Peak Oil. They would be wise lifestyle choices even in the absence of Peak Oil. Even if we had tons of plentiful oil, it would still be a wise choice to live the way he has chosen to live his life. That is why I'm saying Peak Oil has no effect on what he is doing. So, after arguing with me, he will believe in it more than ever before.

The emotional pain between us is real, and I can't ignore it, and every time I talk to him, I violate his 'social distance.' 'They' also give me ideas for things I should say to him. He doesn't understand that these are not my ideas, and would not believe me, or care, if I tried to tell him that this is not my fault.

Eventually, this summer, he is going to go away on his hiking, and it probably won't be long now before he is gone. I won't have affected his beliefs about Peak Oil in the least, no matter what I say, because he perceives this as a hostile attack. He also will not have bonded with me and will not be friends with me. He is finding his own way of dealing with this and he has had to deal with this kind of thing before. I will desperately want to convince him that this is not my fault and it is not my idea, and he is not going to hear me or believe me, and he will go on living exactly the way he has already, and keep on believing exactly what he already believes, and, as I said, not even the slightest, tiniest change will be made, not even something as simple and ordinary as making his facebook page private, because he cannot concede or give in at all to the particular person who is 'attacking' and 'threatening' him.