The Life Activation Command

This could also be called the awakening command.

I'm still not able to sleep, but there are reasons for that. It's a reaction again.

I will not be able to receive the life activation command at this time. That would be taken as having a sexual double meaning, but when I created that phrase, I meant it as something spiritual, where somebody awakens you and makes you feel like you exist, and you care about your life, and everything matters to you, in the real world, not just in fantasy.

So then we said, pretend if you were able to receive the life activation command at this time - what would you use it for?

Well, imagine if somebody actually believed my story about the drug residue contamination. This is something that I am almost physically unable to talk about if I try to explain it out loud to anyone in the real world. Several times, I have talked to people about it, for instance, co-workers or my parents, and it is almost impossible to speak, because of the intensity of feeling that I have about this, the intensity of pain and suffering and isolation, the long years in which it has been going on, and the frustration of not being understood or believed by anyone.

Someone would have to try very hard to convince me that yes, they really did believe me about this. I would be in denial. If I accepted their belief, I might start crying uncontrollably, screaming, or sobbing, although if I were in some other mood, I might respond calmly, and it would depend on what mood I was in. If nobody believes you about something terrible for a really, really long time, and then suddenly one person does believe you, then you are going to react very strongly whenever they insist that they do believe you. It would be like someone who was being abused as a child, and kept it a secret for years and years, and finally told someone about it.

This isn't just about telling the secret to JUST ANYONE. I have already written back and forth to various people who believe at least some parts of what I say. This is only if I were believed by someone who I had an intense connection with. I don't really care if JUST ANYONE believes what I say. But I do react strongly if I am believed by someone who I am strongly attracted to. If that particular person believes me, then I might react with the crying and sobbing as I said above - although, again, those feelings have been made much more intense lately by the particular reaction I am having to the residues, and it won't always be like that. That is a temporary hypersensitivity to particular emotions.

But anyway, this is what happens when you are believed and accepted by the one person who you really care about. It doesn't do much if you are believed by lots of people who you don't really care about.

This one particular reaction is worse than usual because it's on part of my work uniform. I can't easily get replacements for my work uniform - this is on my hat, which I think I might have dropped on the floor, and I also dropped my hairnet on the floor at one point too - I started wearing a hairnet not too long ago, voluntarily without being told to do it, because my dreadlocks are getting harder to keep in place as they are getting longer and thicker (and when I use particular words, I'm worrying about whether I have a sexual double meaning in them, of course, but oh well - it's some of my adjectives in that sentence). So I would have to get a new hairnet and also either get a new hat or wash the hat repeatedly, as it isn't effective to wash it only once. I have tried washing it several times but it isn't getting clean enough, and I'm having a reaction.

And the goal is to reduce all the reactions and also quit using caffeine. I'm going to get rid of a lot of my belongings in order to get rid of the contamination and also to make it easier to relocate, because I have wanted to move somewhere, even if I only just move to another apartment - I didn't really want to live in Bellefonte, and it's too long of a drive to work.

Well, so anyway, what would I use someone else's help for? This is only pretend, because in reality, it isn't easy to make this kind of connection. I am being attacked, and when I focus my mind, I get zapped. But it can still happen a little bit, it can happen enough to motivate me, if I am having a very intense reaction to someone who is committed to thoroughly understanding what my situation is and what needs to be done about it. They have to SINCERELY BELIEVE that my observations are CORRECT, instead of just 'humoring me.' If they merely 'humor me' or 'play along,' that doesn't work. They have to sincerely believe me and show emotional reactions that signal their belief.

But it's no good if I am 'sincerely believed' by *JUST ANYBODY*. I have to be sincerely believed by someone who is very intelligent - someone who doesn't just go around randomly believing things without any proof or any questions. That is why I am reacting so intensely to Rick, because he is very intelligent, and he also doesn't believe in things like astrology - he has enough of a scientific mind to see cause and effect clearly. There is a particular 'belief cluster' that I want to avoid, and I haven't found all the names for all the parts of it yet, but it includes astrology. People who believe in astrology have a tendency to believe in a bunch of other things, and if they believe in one of them, they are likely to believe in all or some of the others. I want to avoid that entire group. I prefer the 'atheist cluster' instead, and that describes Rick.

Spiritual activation: It's like the 'reaching out of the book' phenomenon. When I was in college, I tried (and failed, and changed to a different topic) to write my American Literature essay about the poem 'Song Of Myself.' I was writing the essay about how, several times in that poem, what's-his-name the poet (darn it... I am offline) somehow 'reaches out' of the poem, steps out of character, and focuses upon you the reader as though he is talking directly to you. It would be like if I said you're sitting in front of your computer right now, looking at this screen, reading these words that I've written - except that's rather boring, and you can say things that are more meaningful and important than that. Like you might start asking, Why are you here sitting in front of the computer instead of going outside in the sun? You might make the readers feel ashamed of themselves, or excited, or whatever it takes to make them get up and leave the computer. You could always come back in a few minutes later. I'll still be here.

The same thing happens in several movies, such as The Neverending Story, which has several incidents where they are aware of the observers watching the movie, and talk about them, and request their participation in the events. It also happens in Harvey Putter, but of course it is portrayed as funny instead of spiritually activating and beautiful. If it happens in the right way, it makes you want to get up and do something real instead of living a stagnant life. It makes you remember that you exist, right now, and that everything matters.

(Why did I mess up the essay about Song of Myself? It was because my mind went into a messy, chaotic mania as I wrote down millions of ideas, and I wasn't able to bring it all together into something coherent. Instead I changed my topic, and I ended up writing about something more boring and much easier, one of the stories about slavery in the southern USA, a story that I actually didn't care about all that much. The literature teacher (who I had a slight crush on) complimented me on having done a 'close read.' He explained that a 'close read' meant that I had thoroughly looked into each sentence in detail and found evidence for the thesis statement, instead of just vaguely talking about stuff without finding any specific evidence in the story.)

Several times I have confused duals with activators (in socionics). It has happened several times where I say, This person feels like an activator! Wow! - only to find out shortly afterwards that they are actually a dual. The word 'activation' describes what I feel when I am with a dual. But being a dual is more than that - a dual means that you are 'half of a whole.' It means that you stop worrying about all that stuff you never wanted to do anyway. It means you are no longer a one-man-band trying to do everything yourself. It means division and specialization of labor.

So I would get someone to make me aggressively work hard on cleaning up the house and sorting through my belongings, because this is an enormous, exhausting project which I always give up on, unless I am using St. John's Wort, and I really, really want to avoid using any drugs. Every time I use the drug, 'they' start forcing me to do other things that I don't want to do, and I cannot protect myself, because the SJW makes me more suggestible.

Let me give an example. I will have to say this without getting angry. 'They' decided that it would be helpful to force me to purchase a brand new expensive sewing machine, a serger, because I am supposedly a 'crafter' personality type and so supposedly I should enjoy doing craft work and making money on that.

However, I actually drifted away from arts and crafts years ago and decided that if I did any kind of craft work, it would be songwriting, because songwriting means more to me than anything else on earth, any other form of self-expression. I don't want to waste time sewing when I would rather be songwriting, because I care so much more about songwriting. Songs give me much more powerful emotions than clothing. I don't look at a piece of clothing that somebody is wearing, and get goosebumps or burst into tears or start dancing or singing, or breathing faster, or laughing with delight. I couldn't care less about clothing. I wear it because it is required by law, or because it's cold outside.

It is necessary for somebody to write good music, because I am not finding any good music anywhere. If I spent large amounts of time hunting for good music on the internet, on a broadband internet connection, or if I shared music that my brother was finding, since he has an automated computer program that hunts for music online, then I might be able to get more music. But that would still require a large investment of time and searching and sorting even if I had a bunch of recommended songs that were suspected to be better than average.

Finding good music is almost exactly like falling in love. You find 9,999 songs that give you ho-hum feelings, and 1/10,000 songs gives you extremely intense feelings that you desperately need and cannot find anywhere else. That's an exaggeration of the numbers, but still. I have different levels of feelings for different songs. I have something better than ho-hum feelings for a lot of songs, but still feel frustrated by a whole bunch of things wrong with them. They are NEVER, EVER EXACTLY WHAT I WANT. That is why I want to write it myself. A song unlocks you in almost the same way that a dual does, by saying exactly the right thing, in the right melody, at the right speed, at the right moment, in the right context.

In fact, I can even see the difference between 'rational types' and 'irrational types' in music. There are some songs that resolve too quickly, over and over again, and it's annoying. The prosody of human speech is literally a song being sung, and it's like they take the short, brief, emotional expressions out of that prosody and put it into music. You can actually write down what pitches and intervals are being sung in a song, and match them to the real pitches and intervals of human prosody. Some songs are doing 'extraverted ethics' repeatedly, describing small and simple structures - while other songs are flowing along without 'making judgments,' and describing a large, complex, multilayered structure, whose emotional reactions depend upon the relationship between the various parts of the song, whether some part of the song repeated itself from earlier, but repeated itself in a slightly different form, this time happier or sadder than before, or just different but recognizable, or perhaps simpler this time, or more complex and elaborate than before.

....I was rereading and adding lots of new paragraphs... so anyway... But they forced me to suddenly get the irresistible urge, when I was on drugs, to go to Wal-Mart and spend hundreds of dollars to buy a brand new serger that I didn't want. This happened during one of the times when I had two jobs and I was making a lot of money, and the only thing I wanted to do with my money was to *SAVE IT!!!* but no, they would not allow me to save the money, and they forced me against my will to spend every extra dollar that I made, by forcing me to suddenly get urges to go out and waste money on huge purchases that I didn't want.

When I get angry at them I call them the 'murdering morons,' and yes, I know that sounds funny, but they really are relentlessly, persistently, constantly, destructively STUPID, which wouldn't matter if only they were staying away from ME and living somewhere else in their own little world, but no, they have to reach into MY WORLD and control MY LIFE even though I want nothing to do with them.

So that is one reason why I don't want to use sjw to do my projects - the sjw makes me more vulnerable to being forced to do things I don't want to do. It would be more helpful to actually have human beings supporting me as I worked. I don't want to just hire someone to help - I already tried that, and he was 'just humoring me' instead of really believing in any of it, and his 'I'm just humoring the crazy lady' attitude was clearly visible in everything he said and did.

That's enough, I'll just post this now. I skipped the peak oil debate tonight. I'll do it later when I'm in the mood. Or I'll choose a random topic in the forum. But actually I was there to talk to Rick, not just to talk to everyone. I'll be disconnecting from the net, and hopefully also patching up the things that are causing me to continue to have the residue reaction and the intense mood swings, so that hopefully I will be able to not obsess about him anymore.