Last time I searched for my username, there were zero results on his site.

Now, today, when I searched for my own username (eagledove9) on google, I happened to see one comment which did get through on his site.  Last time I searched, there were zero of them.  I really don't care that much if my comments actually post on his site or not, I'm just wondering what's going on.  The one that posted said it was from my iPod, which makes it seem like it's a browser problem preventing them from posting - however, that wasn't there at all last time.  In other words, it only recently appeared.  He said that he thought I deleted the comments myself.  He got the emails saying that I had left a comment, but then the comments were deleted, and I was thinking he deleted them, and he thought I deleted them.  Now, one of them isn't deleted....

Today is a flaming hate day.  He hasn't gone to the forum, I have no way to communicate with him, and I already know there will be no answer to my emails.  I never know whether the emails are being ignored, or whether they're being intercepted, and so, I go through all the feelings and emotions that I would feel for both scenarios.  I feel the anger and the hate and the rejection and everything that comes from being ignored.

Then, during other moments, I go through the feeling of distant, faraway camaraderie, as I imagine that some real, living human out there wants to talk to me, but can't get through the email because of the interception.  Someone somewhere does understand and believe me.   I need the camaraderie, the connection with people who believe me, people who believe that my emails and phone calls really are being intercepted, people who believe that electronic mind control, surveillance, and stalking really are happening, and that it matters that they are happening, and that this is one of the most important things that people need to be worrying about in the world today, one of the biggest problems we have to solve, the biggest war we have to fight, the battle for our free will - I want someone who feels this way about it.

So I go through phases of hate, and rejection, as I'm sure I'm just being ignored and disrespected.  And in other moments I go back to assuming that all my emails are being blocked, and I just can't verify or troubleshoot because I'm talking to someone who lives in a distant country and I can't go up to them in person to ask them about whether we got each other's emails.

About being respected:  I don't know if I will actually end up getting hired by this lawnmower guy or not.  I hope so.  But even if he doesn't hire me, this tells me that at least somebody, somewhere saw my ad and needed my help.  If it's not him, then maybe it will be the next person.  There will be people who respect my competence as a bookkeeper.  So I might possibly feel respected in one small way, even though I need a lot more support in many other ways.

But I want the camaraderie of knowing that something matters, my freedom matters, my life matters.  It matters that I am a targeted individual and that I do not get a single second of a single day to use my brain the way I want to.   I want to feel that someone else out there feels this along with me, at the same time, that we both know.

I am not in a good mood today.