6:17 PM 4/30/11
This is the time of year when he goes traveling a lot. He won't be writing as much on any of his blogs or anything, so it's all just sitting there and nothing changes. I have now gone back into the situation of wanting to write to someone, and knowing that my emails are being ignored. I'm not sure what method he is using to ignore them. He could be directing them into a separate folder so that he doesn't even have to glance at them, although he will still see the numbers on that folder increasing every time I send a message, which could still make him feel tempted to look at it.
Right now I am doing a 'purely symbolic' respect for his ignoring me in email, as I could always send a question or comment from another email address, and pretend to be just a normal person instead of a person who's been desperately trying to reach him. But I haven't done that yet. I am still letting it be a relatively easy thing for him to just direct all emails from a particular address into a particular folder so that you don't see them. Whenever he wants to change a habit, he wants to find ways that require the least willpower, so that means, make it easier not to be tempted to glance at my emails, and make it easier not to even see the titles of the emails. I'm not sure what to do to make it totally invisible so that you don't even see the numbers increasing on the filtered emails folder, as I've never actually USED any kind of email filter and so I don't know what it looks like. He's probably got it set up well enough that he doesn't have to look at it.
They keep urging me to send him emails anyway. I have actually commented on his blog several times successfully, and I will do that a few more times.
Today they were suggesting that I ask him about designing an intentional religion. At this point he won't answer anything no matter what the particular content of the email. He probably won't ever speak to me again, as he views me as a dangerous, mentally ill, mentally unstable person who is trying to hurt him. But they were saying today, wouldn't it be great to get his help designing the religion because he would be able to imagine a long term view. His help is exactly what I need.
In order to do that, he would have to use his imagination to picture an extremely dystopian view of the modern world. It would be so dystopian that it might be harmful to his peace of mind, unless he was able to separate 'fantasy' from 'reality' and keep his own beliefs separate from mine. So I would ask him to imagine that several things were true. I would ask him to imagine what if it were true that mind control is real; and also, I would need to ask him to do the same thing with drug residues. Those things are both part of the religion and they need to be worked into it without causing harmful things to happen in the future (such as an 'untouchable caste' that you're born into and can't get out of, which might result from talking about drug residues - that's one of the things I DON'T want to have happen). It is actually a religion, not just a community, because it is intended to be in many different places, not just one geographic location.
He will probably never speak to me again and will not be able to work with me on imagining and designing the religion. And after reading his blogs again and again recently, I really am appreciating his long-term, large-scale view of society. It is very well developed. I'd like to use it for something, as his blogs are not appreciated or understood as well as I think they deserve to be.
'They' were paying attention to what happens when I'm reading him and I disagree with something. There are times when I actually do disagree. I disagreed about peak oil, and when I was going through the manic phase, I made that into a huge attack, instead of a peaceful discussion as it ought to have been. I hate it that just ONE incident of hurting someone during an uncontrolled mood can make that person think that you are crazy and dangerous forever.
Anyway, what happens when I disagree with something - I get a sort of 'critical' feeling. And it bothers me when I get that feeling, because I know from past experience that NOBODY EVER wants to hear my criticisms and my disagreements. I am supposed to just let everyone believe whatever they want to believe, and if I say differently, then I get TOTALLY REJECTED AS A HUMAN BEING. It doesn't even matter how small the disagreement is. I know from past experience that I am simply not allowed to disagree with anyone. So I suppress all of my disagreements and my differences of opinion, with everybody, all of the time, unless there is a life-or-death immediate emergency.
I did have something recently which I perceived as an emergency. At McDonald's, we have this machine that filters the oil out of the fryers. It pumps it through a hose. A couple weeks ago, I saw the overnight lady filtering the oil, and I started shouting loudly and having a huge tantrum because there was a big leak in the side of the oil hose and the extremely hot oil was spraying out the side of it. If anybody's leg or hand moved in front of that leak, or if somebody had tried to grab the hose right at the spot where it was leaking, then their skin would be totally, completely destroyed by oil spraying out that was hundreds of degrees hot, like 375 degrees or something, I forget. I've burned my hand in oil when I used to work at Kentucky Fried Chicken, and I'm lucky my hand doesn't have a visible scar - I'm amazed that it healed as well as it did. I actually stuck several of my fingers and part of my hand directly down into the burning hot oil, and cooked the skin off. It was an instant third degree burn. So I *know* that burning hot oil is *wrong* and I knew it had to be fixed IMMEDIATELY.
Several people heard me shouting and yelling. I was totally, completely FURIOUS. I couldn't believe that they had just LEFT it like that. How many days had it been like that? How many weeks? Nam, the overnight lady was saying that yeah, whatever, nobody listens when we complain. By this time we were surrounded by several more people, and I shouted at them, too, including the manager. And I shouted that if they were too cheap to buy us a new hose, then, you know what's cheap? A LAWSUIT. And if *I* of all people am talking about lawsuits, when I am opposed to the 'lawsuit society' that we live in, when I disapprove of people suing everybody every time they stub their toe or get a hangnail, just to get rich - when *I* of all people am shouting the word 'LAWSUIT!' then you KNOW that the situation has to be bad.
I am accustomed to not being taken seriously. I'm accustomed to complaining about things and people not caring or not believing me. I'm accustomed to people refusing to take my advice because I'm a woman, and because I'm a low-status inferior person instead of an upper-level manager or whatever.
I even remember an incident when I went to a church camp with my friend in eighth grade, and we were given a group challenge, to build a little dam across a creek, and we were given a diagram of a dam shaped like the letter K. I remember looking at the diagram and explaining to everybody that the 'legs' of the letter K were on the downstream side of the dam, because they were there to provide support, but several people were still confused and ignoring me and thinking that the legs of the K were supposed to be on the upstream side. It was clear immediately that they did not want to take the advice of a girl, and an inferior. And then, when we actually built the dam, people were trying to figure out how to make it actually hold water, because we were given the logs to use, but just logs by themselves weren't enough to hold the water.
Somebody went wandering around in the woods nearby, and, lo and behold, they found a bunch of chicken wire that happened to be nearby (this was an arbitrary challenge set up by the church camp, so it was no accident that a bunch of chicken wire happened to be nearby). They were trying to figure out what to do with it, and they thought maybe they should collect mud and rocks from the stream and put it into the chicken wire to help block the water. But I suggested that we should gather piles and piles of fallen leaves from the ground, because leaves are waterproof and they will dam a stream naturally all by themselves, but the water would just wash away the mud and rocks. But again, they were all annoyed and reluctant to listen to me when I suggested we should use fallen leaves. And so some people obeyed the 'authorities' in the group (these were all teenage kids, some of whom were more 'popular' than others, and obviously, I was 'unpopular'). They obeyed the popular kids instead of obeying me. So they spent several minutes struggling to dam the stream using this mud and rocks that just kept inevitably rinsing away. I had dammed up little creeks for fun with my brother and other kids before, so I knew that would happen.
Finally somebody changed their mind - but it wasn't attributed to me. Instead, SOMEBODY ELSE 'got the idea' to use fallen leaves. They couldn't DARE admit that I, an inferior girl, had the idea first. So it was 'somebody else's idea' to use fallen leaves. The leaves worked perfectly right away without any struggle. As soon as they started putting leaves against the chicken wire, it started blocking the water exactly like it was supposed to. (*Edit: I was vindicated later on. The church group leaders, the adults, gave our group a score for how well we did, and when they talked to us about it, they said that we had done well at the task, but they said it was important for the leaders of the group to listen to people giving advice and expressing opinions, instead of ignoring them.*)
That was one very memorable incident from my childhood. I know there were actually lots and lots of incidents exactly like that, but less memorable. I was *always* treated as though I didn't know anything and could not give advice to anyone or tell them they were wrong.
So believe me, I know what to expect.
Apparently Rick's wife doesn't go around reading his blogs and reading lots of books and websites and getting her own opinions about things and having her own personal experiences and observations, and disagreeing with him. She just goes along with everything in a mellow, friendly, easygoing, agreeable way, and doesn't ever criticize him. The only people disagreeing in the forum were MALES, it looked like. It looked as though the females were all just passively agreeing with everything and never criticizing.
I've tried to be a 'submissive wife' in my relationships before, many, many, many times. It happens EVERY time actually, not just in one or two relationships, but in ALL relationships - the men can never admit that I might possibly know something, and I might possibly know when they're wrong about something.
Well... about the burning hot oil and the filter machine.
A couple of days after I was shouting so loudly that everybody in the store heard me, the filter machine had a brand new hose and was no longer leaking.
So every once in a while, I see a situation so obviously terrible and so obviously WRONG that I have to shout loudly about it and make a huge fuss. And someone actually listened to me. Apparently, they must have gone to the store manager and told him, later on, that Nicole was screaming and shouting her head off when she saw the hot oil leaking out the side of the hose. I am not used to anyone actually listening to me when I complain about something.
So I know what to expect when I get that 'critical feeling' while reading Rick's blog. When I get the critical feeling, when I disagree about something, I know that I have to SHUT UP and not say anything at all, because if I express my disagreements, I will be totally rejected as a human being, forever and ever. Men have to be right, and women have to be quiet.
There are only a few things that I disagree with. PO was one of them. But I also started to get that critical feeling while reading, several times, about how it's healthier to be physically active, and that physical activity helps prevent obesity. This is actually a huge issue for me personally, and I have been reading about obesity since my late teens. I remember reading a book, and I forget the name of the book, but the book's thesis or concept was: Does obesity directly CAUSE the health problems that people think it causes? Or does something else cause both obesity, and health problems, at the same time? The book took the position that many of the health problems that were supposedly 'caused by' obesity were in fact caused by other things that were happening at the same time as obesity. I really learned a lot from that book and I learned to be skeptical about everything that people say about obesity.
So, for years and years and years, I have been paying very close attention to any 'information streams' (as socionics would say) having to do with *what causes obesity*, and also, about health problems associated with, or caused by, obesity. These information streams came from books, news articles, and also, from my own personal observations and experiences of gaining weight, as I have, in fact, gained weight several times in my life, and lost it again, and tried to understand what caused that to happen. I usually weigh somewhere between 120 - 130 pounds, but sometimes I go a little over 130. I don't have a scale right now in the house so I don't know where I'm at right now. But when I went to college, I gained a lot of weight very quickly, and I was up at around 145 pounds. I think 148 was the highest weight that I observed during that time.
I decided to stop drinking the whole milk in the cafeteria. I also changed a couple of other relatively small things in my diet, but it was mostly the whole milk. When I stopped drinking that, the weight just fell off very quickly by itself without my making any effort, and I got back down to the usual range of just over 120 to 130.
Later on I learned that factory farmed milk contains recombinant bovine growth hormone, rBGH. That didn't make sense, though, because rBGH wasn't around during the years when I was in college in the mid 1990s. But even though I don't know exactly which chemical caused the problem, I knew it was milk.
And now that I know about the Amish raw milk - this particular seller says that the cows are hormone-free and grass-fed - when I was drinking the Amish raw milk, *I DID NOT GAIN WEIGHT.*
So something is in the factory farmed milk that you get at the grocery store, and it causes obesity. It's also in factory farm butter and cheese and all dairy products, and it directly causes obesity, and the amount of obesity that it causes is very severe. When I drink it, I notice within a 24 hour period that I have more fat on my thighs, and I can feel the fat there that wasn't there before. Within 24 hours of eating factory farm butter, I notice right away that my thighs are rubbing together when I walk. I get 'jiggly fat' on my butt at the same time. It happens quickly and instantly and you can directly observe it. When people say 'it goes straight to my thighs,' this statement is the literal truth and it is not an exaggeration. You wouldn't believe how quickly and how instantly you can directly observe the fat appearing on your body as a result of eating some particular food.
I haven't been able to test butter made from non-factory-farm sources. Raw butter is something I would have to order online. And I hesitate to try it, because I reacted badly to cheese, even though it was the supposedly 'good' cheese made from the Amish milk at the same place. It was hormone-free, grass-fed milk made into cheese, and it caused me to have a pounding heart sensation. I have had heart problems for the past few years, ever since the drug residue exposure, which severely affected my heart, and also from the burning candles in my apartment, which I was doing during the same time period when I started handling the herbs - I get heart problems whenever I breathe smoke now. Not everybody would notice heart problems as badly as I do, but I am now keenly aware of the heart sensations, and my heart is probably damaged from the exposure to tobacco and ephedra and candle smoke and everything else I was handling. So people with 'preexisting heart conditions' might notice a pounding heart sensation even if they eat cheese made from milk which is supposedly 'good' milk without any hormones, from grass-fed cows.
This is part of my process of troubleshooting the Weston Price diet. I want to know how it affects people who have preexisting conditions that might make them unable to use the diet.
Also, plastic dental fillings leach out BPA which supposedly affects the heart, and all kinds of plastic might affect it, for instance, the plastic you get inside your veins as a result of donating plasma (I was talking about this with someone in a comment just today). So anything that affects the heart might make you become sensitive to, and might make heart problems triggered by, foods that supposedly were safe for the healthy primitive tribes to eat when Weston Price was observing them. Saturated fat might be more dangerous for modern people whose hearts are already damaged by other factors. But it is those other factors, and not so much the fat itself, that has caused the damage.
Well, all of this came from talking about how factory farm milk and cheese products directly cause you to get fat instantly, and you can observe the fat within 24 hours of eating the food. This is a very specific cause, and it's not the same as a general idea of a 'sedentary lifestyle' in the modern life. You can be as sedentary as you want, but you will never, ever, ever get fat, if you avoid the specific things that cause obesity.
There are several other things that cause obesity besides bovine growth hormone and unknown other factors in factory farmed dairy products. I have not personally tested all of these things, but have simply paid attention to news stories and other things that I have read. Some things which might cause it are: pesticides and chemicals, heavy metal poisoning, prescription drugs, over-the-counter drugs, and herbs. It is also caused by bottle feeding infant formula, which is the worst possible thing you can do to your baby. Breastfeeding will prevent obesity and it will also prevent a huge number of other health problems and digestive problems. It is absolutely necessary and it cannot be something that you give up and quit trying just because it's painful to breastfeed (note: plastic dental fillings cause breast pain! thereby discouraging mothers from breastfeeding, thereby causing them to use bottle feeding instead, thereby causing obesity... plastic dental fillings have a long chain of consequences). You have to get a 'wet nurse' and give your baby to somebody else to breastfeed if you aren't able to breastfeed it yourself.
Invisible transdermal drug residues at microdosages will also cause obesity, but you will not be able to read any scholarly research about this anywhere, because it is my own personal observation, and nobody else is talking about it. And if you see anybody else talking about this, then put a link here because I want to know about it. (Got some interesting links in a comment the other day, I forget which post, thanks Laura, the ones about chemotherapy drugs and the other stuff).
Anyway the drug residues can be firsthand (you used the drug yourself) or secondhand (you are with somebody else who has used drugs). Secondhand drug residue exposure will cause obesity, so if you have any friends that use psychiatric drugs that cause obesity, it is very likely that you yourself will also become obese by hanging around them, touching them, touching their clothing, sitting on the seats they sit on, touching the furniture that they touch, and so on. When you use drugs, the residues get all over every belonging that you own, and I experienced this with Chris, the guy who I met a few weeks ago, who gave me a book, and I have reactions when I touch the book, and I had a reaction to him after being hugged. Again, there aren't very many internet sources talking about the phenomenon of people getting fat from being near other people who use prescription drugs.
I also suspect that heavy metals, contained in the water supply, might cause obesity, along with other chemicals in the water supply, including pharmaceuticals and fluoride. Some of these chemicals will be inhaled into your lungs or go through your skin when you take a shower, so it isn't good enough to just buy bottled water and drink nothing but bottled water and avoid all tap water - you'd have to avoid drinking anything made with tap water, too, such as the carbonated water dispensed at soda machines - but, as I said, it isn't enough to just avoid drinking it - you would have to avoid taking a shower in it, too. This is only a theory, and it's a very hard to test theory. However, to make the theory as general as possible, I would phrase it this way: Chemicals contained in the public water supply, which got there from a variety of sources, can go through the skin or be inhaled during bathing and showering, and they can cause a variety of symptoms and health problems.
Cosmetics might cause problems too, as they go through the skin. Do not use sunscreen. Skin lotions might cause problems.
I've been having a new problem recently because I tried using hair conditioner to work with one of my huge monster dreadlocks, the one on the right side by my ear. Part of the monster lock tangled up in a way that I don't like, and I think it's because of the way that I've been doing my ponytail recently. This is one of those things that happens as your dreadlocks gradually grow and change, and right now, the part of the lock that got tangled is the part that is right around the area where the ponytail band would be holding it in place. So it's rubbing against the ponytail band when I put my hair back to go to work every day. The part that got tangled is the part of the hair that is still loose, the part that is below the actual 'real' mature dreadlock mat.
Anyway I have tried several times to work on the unwanted tangle in that lock, and I used conditioner on it while combing the little pieces and working my way up to the messed up part of it. Right away I started having skin problems from getting the hair conditioner on my skin. I got a huge pimple on my earlobe, and it was one of those disgusting pimples where a huge blob of thick hard grease comes out of it when you scratch it. I haven't had any pimples like that in YEARS. It was directly and quickly caused by my ear touching against the hair conditioner. The word 'non-comedogenic' comes to mind.
Skin lotions cause pimples, and so does hair conditioner, but I have wondered if they might also cause obesity. It's just another theory that I haven't tested.
So, so far, I listed a bunch of chemicals, some of which are in foods, and others of which come from drugs or from the environment around you. Air pollution probably causes obesity too, as there is a correlation between 'breast density' and air pollution in the cities. That is something you can actually read news articles about. So if air pollution causes obesity, it has little or nothing to do with a 'sedentary lifestyle.'
I forgot to mention that various sources, such as my nutrition teacher in college, and several books I have read, say that it is normal, and not unhealthy, for people to gain some weight when they get older, like, over 40.
I also mentioned bottle feeding as a cause of obesity. Bottle feeding can permanently mess up your whole body, but it doesn't seem to do this to every single person, and I don't know what causes one person to react very badly to bottle feeding, while others do okay, and it depends on what type of infant formula you use - but don't worry about 'what type' of infant formula to use - just follow the general rule of never, ever use any kind of infant formula at all, and assume that this rule is so strict, that even if you are physically unable to breastfeed, even if you have a double mastectomy, even if you are a man (and if you're not willing to experiment with male lactation), then you must find a wet nurse to breastfeed your baby, instead of bottle feeding it.
There are several other causes of obesity. I suspect vaccines might also cause it. Then there are the hormone disorders, which are the reason why some people are hugely, morbidly obese from early on in childhood. Those hormone disorders did not happen in the primitive tribes that Weston Price studied - he saw that the hugely obese people only existed in the towns. It isn't because of a sedentary lifestyle. Exercise can make you lose a couple of pounds, and you have a very small, limited amount of control over that range of your weight, but if you are morbidly obese, then it is caused by something you have no control over, through no fault of your own, and it has little or nothing to do with a sedentary lifestyle (Rick never said anything to suggest that he believed SEVERE MORBID obesity was caused by a sedentary lifestyle, just to be fair). However, it is associated with living in towns, so it might be one of the Weston Price deformities - if it's possible for your entire skull, neck, and jaw to be deformed, then theoretically, the glands in your neck, such as the thyroid gland, could also be deformed as well - so the Weston Price deformities might explain the reason why some people have thyroid problems their entire life. I know that the deformities cause some people to have large tonsils. So if a gland was unusually large or unusually small, if the gland didn't grow properly, then the gland might produce improperly formed hormones, or inadequate hormones, for your entire life. Again, this has nothing to do with a sedentary lifestyle.
I could write more about this, and I probably will later. I am very interested in the causes of obesity, and I strongly, strongly believe that it is almost entirely NOT YOUR FAULT, that almost all obesity is caused by forces beyond your control, although some of the factors causing it are in your control, but it is more specific than just 'eating too much' just out of sheer gluttony. Prescription drugs, which are given to everybody for everything, are a very major cause of obesity.
I think I might be hungry. When I go on and on about something for hours, it usually means that I'm starving and I need to go eat something instead of writing. I'm going to see Atlas Shrugged tonight at 9:50 PM. I will go eat before then.
Anyway, the idea was: Sometimes I disagree with Rick, and I am afraid to express my disagreement - even though it wouldn't always be like the horrible disaster I had when I interacted with him in the forum during a severe attack of mania, still, even the slightest disagreement could cause a conflict with him, mostly because I am a woman, not a man. So I get anxious when I get the 'critical' feeling while reading his blog.
And usually, when I read his blog, I am flowing with the hypnotic symphony of words. Every now and then there is a wrong note, an off-key instrument in the symphony, and I would fix it if I could. But the rest of the symphony is flowing and I am amazed by his well developed writing and thinking style. If I disliked him, I wouldn't spend such a huge amount of time reading everything he has written and all of his websites and obsessing over him and getting mad at his wife because she has already given him everything he needs and I am just a superfluous person in a faraway country, and he will probably never talk to me again because he has to protect himself against getting hurt or going insane or whatever he thinks will happen if he talks to me.
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