the devoted stalker

10:46 AM 4/19/11

Well, I haven't been blogging as much because I've been writing in the forum more often. I'm still a clueless newbie, so I'm able to think the unthinkable, but eventually, I will get used to everything, and will settle into a pattern. However, 'they' are often the ones who urge me or remind me about the unthinkable. It was their idea for me to notice that I don't like the letters E and I being used more than once in the type descriptions.

I am having a bad brain day. It's been like this the past couple days. I've been sort of sick or something and my head feels like a big, stiff block that isn't able to do anything. I don't have a stuffy nose. It's my head itself. 'They' pointed out that I felt this same way after sitting right next to my netbook while it was radiating wi-fi for hours, and I seem to have become hypersensitive to radio after that incident, at least temporarily, because I had the same feeling after using the headset at McDonald's last night, and that's the first time I've used the headset in a while. It's so frustrating to know that my brain is able to function much better than it is now, but I can't force it to do anything, and it just has that stubborn blockhead feeling. I've been having extremely severe chronic fatigue and other reactions for the past few weeks. Troubleshooting is a slow process when I can barely even get myself out of bed.

Rick wrote something which I can only describe as a symphony, a gigantic paragraph of ideas, in the forum. It was this long and complex thought process of imagining what will happen as society changes and the economy gets worse. However, he is still saying 'peak oil,' and I'm not sure what to do about that whenever I'm having a 'bad brain' attack, because arguing about peak oil requires full use of my brain. Chances are that the more I argue with him, the more he will believe in peak oil. I could start taking it symbolically instead of literally. Peak oil means something other than peak oil. However, I am going to have to argue against peak oil itself. But anyway, that's picking the one tiny disagreement out of the entire symphony. He could just as easily write a different symphony about a different hypothetical situation. It's the symphony-writing phenomenon as such that I was noticing.

Not that this has any connection to peak anything, but there was something interesting that Weston Price found. A lot of the primitive tribes were eating fish eggs. They said that it prolonged women's fertility. I myself bought a tiny jar of caviar (during the same incident when I also bought marrow bones) and tried it. It turns out that most of these weird foods will make you throw up. And I've already written about the bone marrow disaster lots of times before, and it's one of my big google searches that lead people to this blog, but I'll talk about the caviar instead.

I only ate a couple eggs. Of course, they almost made me throw up. However, they had an intense hormonal effect which I hadn't expected, even though I only swallowed two or three eggs. This was extremely, unbelievably intense. It made me behave as though I was ovulating. I went to work and all of the guys were... I don't know how to describe it. I was acting like I was desperate for sex. There was this one particular guy who was attracted to me, and for various reasons, I didn't really like him, but all of a sudden, when I had eaten the caviar, I tolerated this guy, and he noticed that I was tolerating him, and so he started touching me and hugging me and he even tried to kiss me. (I didn't let him.) The caviar drastically changed my sexual behavior and my attractiveness, and it lowered my inhibitions against physical touch, and caused me to behave seductively in a lot of subtle ways, and since this was some time ago that this happened, I don't recall the exact details.

Caviar is like a hormone pill. Each individual egg contains a huge amount of hormones, and you only need to eat a couple of them. It's actually kind of scary, because synthetic hormone pills are bad for you. However, the primitive tribes eating the fish eggs did not have problems with them.

Weston Price... The diet requires *SO MUCH TROUBLESHOOTING*. There are grains of truth in all of it. But if people just jump in and try to start using the diet, they will find out that almost all of the strange foods, almost all of the animal organs that we don't usually eat, are extremely sickening, or have unexpected 'medicinal' effects, like the caviar hormone pills. None of this is detailed in the book, and it isn't mentioned in the ... what's her name? Sally Fallon. It's not in her book either. She talks about things that are 'nutritional' in nature, but doesn't talk about the 'medicinal' aspect of it, the fact that these foods contain hormones and other drug-like substances.

All of these Weston Price devotees online - it's true, I haven't done thorough research or read all of the pages of all of the devotees - there might be some people who have noticed the same things I've noticed. I used to do a lot more internet research back when I was on St. John's Wort - that's one thing that I regret about quitting the drug - it made me much more intelligent and persistent at studying and learning. Anyway, all of these Weston Price devotees online aren't talking about the medicinal side effects of all the various foods.

I even tried things which weren't as gross as animal organs - I tried eating lacto-fermented cabbage - kimchi. It was very good. However, several minutes after it had been sitting in my stomach, it started to trigger the vomit reflex. It was a flush of fear and terror, the adrenaline rush that you get before you vomit. So even the lacto-fermented vegetables that they keep advocating aren't safe.

To sum it up: All of the things that we aren't eating anymore, in the United States, are things which make you vomit. Weston Price found people eating these vomit-inducing things in all the primitive cultures, and they were aware of the medicinal effects of these things, and ate them consciously and deliberately as medicine. They knew exactly what symptoms to expect after eating them.

I am a Weston Price devotee, except I feel the need to totally rip the entire diet to shreds and analyze every little bit of it in thorough detail. I also want to put more emphasis on the other factors that cause deformities, such as environmental poisons, pesticides, air pollution, fluoridated water, heavy metals (including metals that go through the skin instead of being ingested orally), and anything else. His observations really were true - the primitive people did not have the deformities, except in places where they lived on poor soil with inadequate minerals. They still had small percentages of the deformities in some cultures, but nowhere near as much as in modern culture, and less severe.

I'm also a Rick devotee, and I still need to rip apart the peak oil belief. (I'm not writing his full name. I don't want to make tons of google search results that will go to my blog. I think I might have written his full name once or twice in the past. 'Harming his reputation,' I say bitterly - that's something that would happen if lots of people looked for him and found me blogging about him.) Everything that I say to him and about him is being said publicly, since it's on my blog and in the forum.

Yeah, I'm definitely sick or having some kind of reaction to a chemical because my emotions are not flowing the way they should. They feel blocked. I know this because I looked at my little stalker shrine and wasn't able to process the feelings I was feeling. I just looked at it blankly. (I have a collection of things from some of his web pages.) I'm supposed to be able to feel the flow of emotions, of grief and disconnecting, the pain of not being part of his life, that movement of feelings that leads towards letting go of someone, being realistic, and moving on, instead of clinging to someone I cannot be with. The feelings are supposed to flow like that as I process grief; however, it was just a blank wall of numbness. I look at his wife, compare her to myself, see how very healthy she is in every possible way, and see how unhealthy I am, and how far behind I am in all of my learning and my skills and my achievements. I see how badly my own life has gone wrong, in comparison to how her life has gone. Usually when I make these comparisons, I feel an emotion. But today it's just that horrible blockhead sensation. I'll need to do more chemical sensitivity troubleshooting so that I can feel emotions freely again.

I'd talk about polyamory, except that polyamory in real life is harder to do than you might think it is. I've read about it. It's associated with intentional communities. Diana Leafe Christian observed that communities were frequently more accepting of alternative lifestyles and social norms, and polyamory was one of the common things people were doing. (I'm having trouble talking, so if my sentences seem grammatically strange, it's a bad brain day thing.) I myself have tended to be monogamously attracted to married men. In other words, I almost always go towards men who already have one wife, and I am the extramarital affair. This has happened quite a few times in my dating history. But I myself don't usually go looking outside the relationship much. So technically, I am polygamous, I am one wife out of several wives.

Some of the socionics websites - and I'm assuming I read it on Rick's pages, but it could have been any of them - talk about how there should theoretically be relatively equal numbers of all the types in society. I think that in reality, the distribution of types varies greatly, over time, and over geographic areas. It also varies greatly in local job environments (I'm REALLY having a hard time communicating here - this damn brain is so frustrating). Each individual person experiences a tiny little world that they live in, and in that tiny little world, that tiny little social circle, there will be a distribution of particular types which is different from the 'average' distribution. So individual people will experience a severe shortage of particular types and will respond very strongly when they finally find one they like (for 'non-socionic reasons' such as physical appearance, IQ, etc).

There could be a million other people out there who are exact duplicates of Rick, but I happened to find him because he's written some web pages and I liked his writing style. In the tiny world that I live in, there is a shortage of his type. The internet is the only place where I connect to any other part of the outside world. Anyone who isn't writing on the internet will be invisible to me. And in the crowds of people on the street, the only men who are visible to me are the long-haired men who I find physically attractive. I can only see that. I can't see inside their brains to know how smart they are or what personality type they are. All of the men look alike to me, and none of them are attractive. I can only know a man by his writing.

I was actually told by 'them' to google the word 'socionics.' Before that, I was also urged by 'them' to get on the typologycentral forum and learn about the Jungian functions. I saw on that forum that there was a section about socionics, but I never paid attention to it. The word 'socionics' sounded like something disreputable, sort of like astrology, or scientology, or something. In fact it almost sounds like an exercise routine. I picture people doing jumping jacks or something. hahaha. It sounded like one of those 'bad belief systems' that I should avoid. So I never clicked on that forum to learn about what socionics was, and if I had, I probably wouldn't have found it interesting. It only became interesting when I was told to google the word, and then found several web pages, and noticed that I loved the writing style at socionics.us. 'They' found a high-potential situation, where googling one single word could lead me to somebody who I would be strongly attracted to.

But now, it's gotten into my mind that ONLY this person exists, because I'm not encountering large numbers of people like him in my daily life, in my social circle. I could probably find lots of duplicates of him if I went into the right social circle. Why bond with some faraway person who I will never meet? Why that particular person, and why not one of the hundreds of other duplicates that I could potentially find?

He still has an open door on letting people talk directly to him. He lets large numbers of people email him and he is overwhelmed by the volume of email. I wonder what his social life would be like if he did not allow large numbers of emails? Most authors make themselves inaccessible to the public at some point, but he is still accessible as of right now. But it leads people like me, and like Maritsa33 (or Marissa33 or whatever), to feel connected to him and to become devoted stalkers. (She interacted with him during the time period when he was doing the service of typing people by watching their videos.) He should get paid money for interacting with people - he should not be answering large numbers of emails for free. Talking to him is therapeutic, like talking to a psychologist, even though he is not explicitly offering therapy. This is not a free service. This is a highly valued, expensive service. Regardless of what anyone says about all the types being distributed equally - I don't care - his particular type is scarce. He should not be giving away his time for free.