throwing clothes in the garbage; translations and whispers

6:36 AM 4/14/11

So I woke up this morning and there were whispers. First, yes, I am aware of the SLE's sexual orientation. That is not a problem for me and my lack of phobia about this is one of the reasons why I somehow get along with this person better than some people do. And apparently, I have never complained about her before, until last night, because of suddenly discovering how angry I was that she had borrowed my sweatshirt and I have been having attacks of mania for many days because of that, and suddenly I let out everything that made me angry about her.

I have been throwing my clothes in the garbage since 2007 when this began.

When I wash contaminated clothing, it spreads the drug residues over all of the clothing in the batch. If the spot of residue had been only a small patch on the outside of one piece of clothing, it suddenly becomes a thin layer of residue over the insides and outsides of the entire surfaces of every piece of laundry in the washing machine. My reactions to washed laundry are often worse than my reactions to the clothing before it was washed. I can avoid the spots of residue if they are only on the outside of the clothing, but when they are spread everywhere inside and out, there is no way to avoid it. Because of this, I started throwing clothes in the garbage. I found that even if I washed something six or seven times in a row, it would not get out all the residues. It takes hours and hours, and lots of money, to wash something six or seven times in a row.

(I don't like to say the phrase 'six or seven,' because I feel like it is a puppet phrase that I am being forced to say, and it has to do with the enneagram. I feel as though 'they' are trying to guess someone's enneagram type and saying it's a six or seven. I don't want to use the enneagram, as I feel it's so messed up that it only causes more confusion if you try to use it to understand people. If it's possible to have, for instance, 'tritypes,' as one of the recent add-ons to the enneagram, and if people feel there is a need for such a thing, because they've noticed that people's enneagram types seem to change, and if there are also the 'directions of integration and disintegration,' and if there are also 'wings,' then all of that tells me that it's very hard to know what exactly someone's enneagram type is, and all of those extra add-ons were created to explain why someone seems to be one type at one moment, and a different type at another moment. Socionics on the other hand doesn't feel that way to me.)

He translates English - they were whispering a long stream of words in my mind. Scholarly articles. My blog was a scholarly article.

They wonder how I use pronouns, how one day he is 'you,' another day he is 'he,' another day he is 'Rick' or 'Richard.'

But 'they' always refers to the voices I am hearing - 'They' in quotes. Sometimes I use they without quotes. That is a different they. Sometimes I use 'they' with a tone of hate, as I see them as murderers destroying my life. I have sometimes used they with a tone of love, but it doesn't refer to the people I am usually referring to.

Clothing: I have a reply to the whispers I was hearing this morning: 'That's all I ask is that you (she?) put on a clean shirt.' My reply to that is: Wouldn't... I.... LOVE.... to. I don't have a washer in my apartment. During the wintertime, I spend most of my time in pain and barely able to get out of bed. I cannot make myself go outside when it is cold. I usually have a contaminated coat which I would rather not put on, as I will have to take a shower after wearing the coat. I cannot get out to go across the parking lot to the laundromat. During the summertime, I am not in pain as much, but it is still not easy to go do the laundry. When I DO wash the laundry, I often spread drug residues over all of the clothing, as I said above. So I separately wash all of my clothes, usually with one single piece of clothing by itself in one washer. This is the safest way, as it prevents the spread of the residues which are usually on the bottom of the pants legs. If I wash shirts with pants, the shirts are usually ruined by the pants. If residues are on the outside surface of the clothing, then the washer spreads them thoroughly to every surface inside and out, and sometimes, I react so badly to them afterwards that I throw them in the garbage. I have been buying my own work uniforms at my own expense from Wal-Mart so that I can throw them in the garbage when I need to, and buy new ones.

Chronic fatigue has been the most important reason why I have not done the laundry much in the past few years. The residue contamination made that many times worse. If I can barely get myself to move out of the house to go out to the laundromat, and then, once I do wash the laundry, something terrible happens, this makes me less and less likely to actually do the laundry.

Retmeishka was glossolalia, but my glossolalia would often have the feel of the language I had been hearing recently.

The twitter joke (during my mania) was this: My new goal in life is to get mired down in tiny details while being oblivious to the big picture (or something like that). I was thinking about socionics and how when you are working together with your dual, supposedly you begin to feel as though you no longer need to struggle to do all those other functions that you were never very good at anyway. So I would 'go back to being an SLI.' I would be purely SLI instead of struggling to be everything all by myself. The SLI stereotype is: someone blind to the long-term consequences and big picture, etc.

They want me to describe Martin. I assume they want me to describe his physical body. About his personality - after learning about the EIE, I decided that's what he was. He could be an ESE too. But I won't worry about that. He seems to be an ethical, rational type, so it's something beginning with E, and could be EIE, ESE, EII, or ESI. He seems to use extraverted ethics, but I'm not sure, and I could be totally wrong and would have to go look at the couple of emails I actually have. The jokes that he makes and the movies that he watches involve ethical judgments. (The whispers I was hearing just dissipated right now.) At the time when I knew him, he was several years younger. He has grown up and I've seen his picture and it looks like he's somewhat bigger than he was when I knew him. He was in his early twenties and in college when I knew but I can't remember the exact age. He was very skinny and had brown hair and brown eyes. In the beginning he had hair that was several inches long and it hung down over his eyes, and I couldn't see his eyes. He later cut his hair short. I had extremely severe conflicts with the people who attacked and controlled me during the time period when they were trying to force me to get together with Martin. Yes, I thought he was very attractive. They tried to force me to say things to him, but every single word that they forced me to say was completely wrong in every possible way, so I said nothing, and fought against them constantly. One of the things that they kept constantly trying to force me to do was to tell him not to cut his hair - they tried to force me to tell him all about how much better I think guys look when they don't cut their hair. I knew him in 2008, which is when this blog began.

I need to get up and do something right now because some people are coming to visit the apartment complex sometime today.

As for whether I love Rick, which is what they are asking me about now, I usually try not to say that I love someone. It's unusual for me to actually SAY that phrase. I haven't met him in the real world, and I haven't had a phone conversation with him either. So I don't know how well I would get along with him in person. I do know that I love his way of writing. All that I know about him is what I have read online. I haven't watched the videos, as I only watched a few minutes of them on dialup, and couldn't hear the flow of his words, as it was downloading a couple seconds and playing it, then stopping, then playing a couple more seconds, etc. I have to watch the videos on wi-fi so that I can see them without interruption. Mostly, it depends on whether or not he likes ME in person.

I get annoyed when I'm being asked something - they are asking me how I would feel if he came back to the USA. He doesn't want to be here. He wants to be someplace where he can go to the mountains. He - they just now said they were referring to Martin? As in, coming back to State College? I can't hear what they're saying. I usually don't try to directly write down question-and-answer sessions with the voices because most of the time, the whispers disintegrate into random phrases and noise instead of coherent and meaningful sentences. If Martin were in State College, I would not do anything at all. I would just let him live his life separately from mine. I never wanted to pursue him as it was obvious to me that the relationship was unnatural and unsustainable. I was being forced against my will to keep trying to contact him.

When they were forcing me to try to contact Curtis, it was easier, because he seemed to be an identity type that I got along with much better. Still, he was unable and unwilling to communicate in writing, or communicate about anything at all, because he had fetal alcohol syndrome which gave him learning disabilities, and he did not enjoy writing.

Rick has been the next person after Curtis. Curtis is getting married. We had an incident a few months ago which caused me to finally become able to leave him alone.

So when they forced me to google the word 'socionics,' on impulse, after I had been in the typologycentral forum a few times, and when I discovered that I liked the author who wrote the socionics.us website better than I liked the writing styles of the other sites, and that I liked him personally, and I liked everything on all of his other websites too - then they decided to start making me try to contact him. 'I got a reply!' was my reaction when he answered an email with a brief couple of polite sentences, where he said something like 'Thanks, I posted your comment,' or something like that. It's very unusual for me to actually have a conversation with a guy that I have a crush on, where the conversation actually goes two ways, where one person speaks and the other replies. Usually, I am being forced against my will to send dozens of emails to someone who isn't answering, for YEARS at a time (that was someone else before both Curtis and Martin).

I have been ignored by one guy after another, guys who are unable or unwilling to converse with me AT ALL. They cannot even bring themselves to say something like 'If there is an unbalanced level of self-disclosure between you and the other person, then the one person will pull away' or something like that, to explain why he himself was not going to be talking openly with me at that moment - Merely to even SAY such a thing is something that I am hugely grateful for, because I have spent years being forced to go chasing after people who cannot communicate to me about anything at all (although I'm sure there are other people who they can talk to more easily). Merely even being able to say 'I can't talk to you at the moment' is more than any of the other people were able to do. I am accustomed to being forced to write to people who reply with absolute silence and total avoidance.

I don't think I finished any of my previous stories, as I started writing down what the whispers were saying, and most of the time, that leads to random noise, which is why I usually don't do it. But I have to go get ready for the people who will be in the apartment complex sometime today.